Daily Archives: March 29, 2014

What Is Normal?

When you suffer from depression, there is really no such thing as “normal” anymore.  What you may consider to be normal, some people may not even be able to fathom.  You long for a sense of normalcy.   You wish you could get up in the morning and feel ready to take on the day, and feel as if each day has been lived to the fullest.  Most people get up, go to work, take care of their kids or family, come home and have dinner and spend weekends enjoying their lives.  Right?  At this point, I am not sure I am the one to ask.  It’s been a long time since I knew how any part of that felt. 

For me, one of the worst parts about dealing with the symptoms is that I am well aware that there are people out there who just feel like I am lazy.  Sometimes that thought even crosses my own mind.  On those days when merely taking a shower is all I can muster, I beat myself up.  I worry that more people will exit stage left out of my life.  I worry my husband will finally begin to consider me a burden.  Where would I go, what would I do if I didn’t have him? 

One of the hardest lessons I am having to teach myself is that it simply doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or says.  They are not living my life or dealing with this disease.  I am constantly feeling as if I am being judged or mocked behind my back.  Perhaps I am.  I can’t let that thought live inside my head.  I just have to attempt to learn what normal is for me.  At the same time, I have to understand that living under a cloud of sadness and depression cannot become my normal. 

So, therein lies my struggle.  Do I continue to beat myself up for not taking on more, or do I respect what I have been able to accomplish despite myself.  Do I count my blessings for now?  After all, I have succeeded in starting my own business, I have a nice home, a wonderful husband.  Perhaps I just need to let that be enough.  Let ME be enough. 

There will always be an internal battle within me.  There will always be times such as this, where I can’t find the light at the end of the tunnel.  In the back of my head, I know I will come out of this but there is no telling when or how.  One day I will wake up and not feel a sense of doom.  I will have the energy and strength to begin my day, rather than roll over and cry myself back to sleep. 

As I become stronger and feel more capable of coping with life, I will look back on all of this pain and sadness.  I will be grateful to have learned from the experience.  To come out on the other side a better person.  That is my hope, and for now hope has to be enough. 
I am alive and that for me, is my normal. 

Fluffy Affection

I’ve been ridiculously sick all week, which is why I haven’t been posting too much. I came down with some sort of kidney infection that I fortunately got treated before it got too bad, but man it was rough. I finally have my appetite back and no more throwing up (Thank God) but it was a tough few days. As I sweated/threw up/cried/slept, I had someone taking care of me:

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Fluffernutter (AKA Fluff) stayed by my side, slept near me and gave me lots of kisses. I really was surprised by how attuned to my illness she was. They say animals can sense your stress and anxiety levels and I’ll say Fluff definitely knew what was going on. It warmed my heart to hear her meow and feel her snuggle up to me.

Glad to report I’m feeling about 60% better and hoping to get going on a new DIY to share with you all. Also looking forward to bringing you a guest post from a fellow mental health blogger!! Take care and enjoy your weekend!!

Filed under: Wellness Warriors Tagged: illness, love, pets, wellness

Suicide Seems the Ideal Way Out

OhTemp:

I can’t tell you how many times I have felt like this!! Please BP family reach out to our fellow friend. If we can save one person, that enough right??

Originally posted on My Online Journal:

I don’t want to live anymore. I feel like society’s burden and I doubt that will not change. I just overdosed and I’m hoping I can just fall asleep. I wish I won’t wake up. What will free me from these self-destructive path I have been stuck with for the past couple of weeks? I don’t know. How pathetic is that? All I know is that if I am going to make a true suicide attempt then now is the perfect time. I know I have made several concerned, but no one can walk in my shoes.

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Filed under: Ranting

You’re Just Like Me: JCROWE79

This week my guest blogger is Jcrowe79. Visit her AWESOME blog, and make her apart of our BP family!

Thanks JCROWE!

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So you have a mental illness.. Which one?

I’m Bipolar 1-Mixed and Eating Disorder

 When were you diagnosed & how old were you?

I was diagnosed in October of 2008 after a highly manic episode that caused me to leave my husband an turn to other vices, then one day I woke up and it was all over and I had nothing left.  It was at that point I needed help.  I was 29 at the time of this incident.

How do you cope with your mental illness?

The positive ways I cope with this illness is I take my medicines, I NEVER go without them!  I use talk therapy, I see a dietician, I read books, crochet, take walks, exercise, and I use this blog as a way to express myself.  I learn every day a new way to cope as it is a constant process.

What are 3 words that you would describe how your illness makes you feel?

Broken, Flawed, and deep

What are some ways you relax from your illness?

I love to write.  In fact my blog has made it much easier to write as I can do so much more typing than using a pen.  I love playing with my children.  They love me for being mommy, they don’t see me as any of those three things above and it is the happiest and most normal I ever feel.  I attend church and read different Christian literature and fiction literature to keep me grounded and strong in my faith, but to also keeps my creative side flowing.

What is some advice you would give to your fellow soldiers fighting this fight?

Take your medicines!  This is the first step.  I understand that side effects can be disruptive, but work with your doctor to find the right balance.  Understand that the medicines can only do so much.  So you need to work with a therapist and talk it all out.  It feels amazing!  Find something that helps you escape, that is healthy and just for you.   Get your rest, sleep is crucial.  Lastly, slowly work on finding the courage to come forward and speak your truth.  When you come out with your disorder there is a certain liberation that allows you to be freer and who you are; it un-cuffs you from the chains that can keep you down in the dark.

Tell us your blog or how we can keep in contact with you:

Follow my blog at jcrowesite.wordpress.com

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World Bipolar Day, March 30, 2014

Well, we finally got a day of our very own: Sunday, March 30th, is the inaugural observation of World Bipolar Day, sponsored by the International Bipolar Foundation. The date was chosen because it’s the birthday of artist Vincent Van Gogh, who is said to have suffered from manic depression (although how they can diagnose it posthumously is beyond my understanding). It’s a day to raise awareness and—hopefully—begin to erase the stigma that surrounds bipolar disorder, and indeed ALL mental illnesses.

I hope my readers will join with me in commemorating this first-ever World Bipolar Day and maybe even start a dialogue with others who may not know a lot about this much-misunderstood illness. And while you’re at it, why not hug a bipolar you know and love? :-)

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