Filed under: Uncategorized
Yeah, Megadeth’s song “Angry Again” was written for the way I felt upon waking today. Oh, it’s subsiding now that I have plied myself with a double dose of Xanax but I’m still pissed off about every tiny thing. Like having to take xanax at all, let alone doubling up.Why do I have to deal with a plethora of displaced emotions? Whose Cheerios did I pee in? Suckage.
Last night was awful. I don’t even know what to call the episodes other than “sleep paralysis.” I laid awake an hour and then from nowhere I’d be like awake…then suddenly, I’d be asleep but aware and I wouldn’t be able to move a muscle and panic would set in which would bring on smothering sensations. I’d manage to claw my way out, sweating and panting…And WAM. It’d happen again. I counted TEN times it happened. Once, I was in some unfamiliar (but posh house I wouldn’t mind living in) and the front door was wide open and all I could think was, my kid, gotta get to my kid..But I was paralyzed and I couldn’t move and I was fighting with everything I had and soooo terrified and it was so vivid and real…
I resisted medicating though, just kept fighting my way out of it and trying to calm down. I was honestly so terrified, I came close to waking my kid and putting her in bed with me because mommy was that scared. It’s been a long time since the sleep paralysis thing happened. It was awful.
Today the anxiety is in full swing. My skin feels like its crawling.I am sweating buckets in spite of being cold. Spook is home again but she’s going to my mom’s so I can see a man about some anti crazy pills. But I’m so angry and confrontational I’;m half afraid he’s going to say something to set me off and watch me burn bridges like the emotional arsonist I am. Shit.
I’m wondering if all this is tied in to going off Viibryd. I can’t see how one missed dose could do all of this, though. Not to mention they are 40 mg tabs so it’s not like weaning off is going to be all that easy without chopping them up and hoping the dosing is correct. I’d rather rip the band aid off.
I forgot I was supposed to have my lithium levels done today. Fasting test. Genius that I am took my dose last night then…ate. I can’t get i right, I just fuck up everything I touch. I have no focus, no clarity.
My give-a-damn is busted.
My mind is just overactive with thought, my central nervous system firing wily nily. I don’[t feel well. I feel paranoid and suspicious and actually…scared. Fight or flight response is in the wings and it wants to send me into the stratosphere.
Maybe I need to listen to some Megadeth or Black Label Society. Aggressive angry music cheers me up.
Tonight, though. I drink. Screw this good girl thing. It’s been six solid days of stress and mood anarchy. Bottoms fucking up.
I’ll berate my own poor coping mechanisms later.
…..enough said.Filed under: abandonment
…..enough said.Filed under: abandonment
I think I understand now why people commit suicide over financial issues.
No, I don’t have any ideas along that line, but after being hounded for money so much recently—and knowing that we will NEVER escape this mountain of debt—I am in complete sympathy with those who feel that only death will solve their problems. Today, one bill collector called my workplace and told the dude who answered the phone it was about a potential garnishment. Can you believe that shit?!?
I may be massively in debt thanks to medical and other bills, but that doesn’t give a collection agency the right to disclose that information to ANYONE, let alone a representative of my employer. To say that I protested this vigorously would be the understatement of the week……I spoke with the caller’s supervisor and for once was glad all calls are monitored and recorded. I didn’t use a single swear word, nor did I even raise my voice (thank you, Zyprexa), but I did let the man know in no uncertain terms that I was furious and would be making a complaint about that agency to the proper authorities.
Besides, I can’t commit to anything right now because I honestly don’t know how much longer I’m going to be at this job. Try as I might, I can NOT put it all together…..I’m doing better with what little of the computer software I’ve been taught and only need minor cueing, but I’m having a hell of a time running up and down the halls (curse this fucking toe!!) and then trying to remember to make detailed observations of the nursing home residents and their surroundings.
Now when I was a working nurse, I could do a hundred assessments just by looking, listening, and talking with someone for five minutes. But I’m so nervous, and so awkward with the laptop (‘scuse, me, “tablet” as they like to call it—it certainly is as heavy as a laptop) that you could belt me upside the head with a MacBook and it wouldn’t change the deer-in-the-headlights look on my face. I know. I’ve seen myself in the mirror a couple of times.
So after an exhausting day of trying futilely to keep up with my trainer and feeling like a complete doofus, I got caught in a squall crossing the parking lot to my car, and nearly drowned before I could even unlock the door. The wind was blowing so hard that the rain was literally coming in sideways, and not only did I get drenched but so did the inside of my car, which had the effect of instantaneously fogging up the windows. I drove home wet, cold, discouraged, and fuming.
But ever the optimist, I have to say that I’m a lot better than I was a week or so ago, when I was ready to pack up and flee the country. I’ve been on the Zyprexa for eight days now and it’s had the desired effects. I STILL don’t like feeling so flattened, but flattened means I’m also not a) having suicidal ideation over the sad state of my financial affairs; b) in a blind rage over the collection agency’s misconduct; and c) giving up on myself just because this job makes me feel utterly incompetent.
Whatever happens from here on out, I’ll never regret having tried it. It takes a lot of good stuff to be hired by a government agency for something like this, so I really can never again put myself down as a loser. I just don’t happen to be suited for the position, nor is it suited to someone with the kind of physical and psychological baggage I carry around.
That’s what my mind says. I just wish somebody could explain it to my creditors!
So I feel like I MAYbe heading into chaos again. I took a wrong turn on my path of turning my life around. Now. I’m have faced some consequences already.
Today I did not go to work. I faked sick so I could go to my med appointment and also because…
…I’ve started back smoking. I have only done this for a week and a day, which was yesterday. I feel like its sucking me back in to the old me. The me that didn’t do anything but smoke, lay around, be forgetful, but felt okay. Weed was my commander and I’m just the vessel. I don’t want to do that anymore.
Also, I have been eating everything in sight, without any care. I think I may have gained 5 pounds this week alone. I woke up with really bad heartburn. My mind and body are not one.
I need more control.
How do you self control??
I’ve done shit today but some dishes, take out trash, and deal with technical problems on multiple computers. Everything I touch has been shit. I hate everything. HATE IT. I am so fucking hostile and angry I can barely stand it. This is what demonic possession must be like.
My scalp is crawling with anxiety, which is making me pissed off.
I am watching a show and it keeps fucking buffering every ten seconds, and that is pissing me off.
I am worried about what to do with the cats and my dad called to bitch at me and tell me to rake up the leaves, my yard looks like shit. Which is the one thing the landlord hasn’t mentioned because it’s still cold and we just had snow so I think he GETS that it’s not yard cleaning weather just yet.
Not to mention I’ve been cleaning up puke for three motherfucking days so excuse me if leaves in the yard are low on my priority list.
Tomorrow, I get to see the ass trash fill in shrink who may be a good guy or a complete douche and most likely he will say, stay on your current meds until you see your regular doctor…NEWSFLASH. I didn’t take the Viibryd today and I’m not taking any more of that shit. I’m semi suicidal and homicidal which I wasn’t prior to being on it so I’m gonna make an educated guess even though I lack all the fancy letters after my name…it’s making me worse.
That is pissing me off. Positive thinking can bite me,too. I got out of bed the other day thinking all was normal and since then, it has been one chunk after another reality has been biting off my ass. That too is pissing me off.
To keep it simple everything is pissing me off.
God, last time I was this violently angry I was pregnant.Since that requires human contact though it’s not the explanation this time. This is all me and my fucking depression that has become a goddamn psychosis.
My kingdom for some fucking alcohol. That’d get me piped down fast. No cure, but calmer would be better.
Least my kid is asleep for this portion of the day. She kept fish sticks down tonight and her fever is gone so I am hoping she will feel school ready come morning. Though will I feel like bothering getting her to the bus…It all feels like trudging uphill in molasses with giant shards of glass protruding.
I just want to be in a different mental space, ffs. I can’t cope when I am feeling like a big green rage monster. And why am I feeling like a big green rage monster?
WHY is the sixty four thousand dollar question. Why am I stuck dealing with any of this. To be denied simple sanity seems a pretty crappy hand to be dealt. But I am supposed to put on a smile and pretend to like it and be a good little girl because life is hard and no whining allow.
I’m hosting whine-a-palooza. Bring on the glow sticks.
Kill me now. Please.