Daily Archives: March 26, 2014

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Feeling Megadeth-y

Yeah, Megadeth’s song  “Angry Again” was written for the way I felt upon waking today. Oh, it’s subsiding now that I have plied myself with a double dose of Xanax but I’m still pissed off about every tiny thing. Like having to take xanax at all, let alone doubling up.Why do I have to deal with a plethora of displaced emotions? Whose Cheerios did I pee in? Suckage.

Last night was awful. I don’t even know what to call the episodes other than “sleep paralysis.” I laid awake an hour and then from nowhere I’d be like awake…then suddenly, I’d be asleep but aware and I wouldn’t be able to move a muscle and panic would set in which would bring on smothering sensations. I’d manage to claw my way out, sweating and panting…And WAM. It’d happen again. I counted TEN times it happened. Once, I was in some unfamiliar (but posh house I wouldn’t mind living in) and the front door was wide open and all I could think was, my kid, gotta get to my kid..But I was paralyzed and I couldn’t move and I was fighting with everything I had and soooo terrified and it was so vivid and real…

I resisted medicating though, just kept fighting my way out of it and trying to calm down. I was honestly so terrified, I came close to waking my kid and putting her in bed with me because mommy was that scared. It’s been a long time since the sleep paralysis thing happened. It was awful.

Today the anxiety is in full swing. My skin feels like its crawling.I am sweating buckets in spite of being cold. Spook is home again but she’s going to my mom’s so I can see a man about some anti crazy pills. But I’m so angry and confrontational I’;m half afraid he’s going to say something to set me off and watch me burn bridges like the emotional arsonist I am. Shit.

I’m wondering if all this is tied in to going off Viibryd. I can’t see how one missed dose could do all of this, though. Not to mention they are 40 mg tabs so it’s not like weaning off is going to be all that easy without chopping them up and hoping the dosing is correct. I’d rather rip the band aid off.

I forgot I was supposed to have my lithium levels done today. Fasting test. Genius that I am took my dose last night then…ate. I can’t get i right, I just fuck up everything I touch. I have no focus, no clarity.

My give-a-damn is busted.

My mind is just overactive with thought, my central nervous system firing wily nily. I don’[t feel well. I feel paranoid and suspicious and actually…scared. Fight or flight response is in the wings and it wants to send me into the stratosphere.

Maybe I need to listen to some Megadeth or Black Label Society. Aggressive angry music cheers me up.

Tonight, though. I drink. Screw this good girl thing. It’s been six solid days of stress and mood anarchy. Bottoms fucking up.

I’ll berate my own poor coping mechanisms later.


Panic Disorder: When Fear Overwhelms

Do you sometimes have sudden attacks of fear that last for several minutes? Do you feel like you are having a heart attack or can’t breathe? Do these attacks occur at unpredictable times causing you to worry about the possibility of having another one at any time?
If so, you may have a type of anxiety disorder called panic disorder.

What is panic disorder?

People with panic disorder have sudden and repeated attacks of fear that last for several minutes or longer. These are called panic attacks. Panic attacks are characterized by a fear of disaster or of losing control even when there is no real danger. A person may also have a strong physical reaction during a panic attack. It may feel like having a heart attack. Panic attacks can occur at any time, and many people with panic disorder worry about and dread the possibility of having another attack.
A person with panic disorder may become discouraged and feel ashamed because he or she cannot carry out normal routines like going to the grocery store or driving. Having panic disorder can also interfere with school or work.
Panic disorder often begins in the late teens or early adulthood. More women than men have panic disorder. But not everyone who experiences panic attacks will develop panic disorder.

What causes panic disorder?

Panic disorder sometimes runs in families, but no one knows for sure why some people have it, while others don’t. Researchers have found that several parts of the brain are involved in fear and anxiety. Some researchers think that people with panic disorder misinterpret harmless bodily sensations as threats. Researchers are also looking for ways in which stress and environmental factors may play a role.

What are the signs and symptoms of panic disorder?

People with panic disorder may have:
  • -Sudden and repeated attacks of fear
  • -A feeling of being out of control during a panic attack
  • -An intense worry about when the next attack will happen
  • -A fear or avoidance of places where panic attacks have occurred in the past
  • -Physical symptoms during an attack, such as a pounding or racing heart, sweating, breathing problems, weakness or dizziness, feeling hot or a cold chill, tingly or numb hands, chest pain, or stomach pain.

How is panic disorder treated?

First, talk to your doctor about your symptoms. Your doctor should do an exam to make sure that another physical problem isn’t causing the symptoms. The doctor may refer you to a mental health specialist.
Panic disorder is generally treated with psychotherapy, medication, or both.
Psychotherapy. A type of psychotherapy called cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is especially useful for treating panic disorder. Your doctor should do an exam to make sure that an unrelated physical problem isn’t causing the symptoms.
Medication. Doctors also may prescribe medication to help treat panic disorder. The most commonly prescribed medications for panic disorder are anti-anxiety medications and antidepressants. Anti-anxiety medications are powerful and there are different types. Many types begin working right away, but they generally should not be taken for long periods.
Antidepressants are used to treat depression, but they also are helpful for panic disorder. They may take several weeks to start working. Some of these medications may cause side effects such as headache, nausea, or difficulty sleeping. These side effects are usually not a problem for most people, especially if the dose starts off low and is increased slowly over time. Talk to your doctor about any side effects you may have.
Another type of medication called beta-blockers can help control some of the physical symptoms of panic disorder such as excessive sweating, a pounding heart, or dizziness. Although beta blockers are not commonly prescribed, they may be helpful in certain situations that bring on a panic attack.
Some people do better with CBT, while others do better with medication. Still others do best with a combination of the two. Talk with your doctor about the best treatment for you.

What is it like to have panic disorder?

“One day, without any warning or reason, I felt terrified. I was so afraid, I thought I was going to die. My heart was pounding and my head was spinning. I would get these feelings every couple of weeks. I thought I was losing my mind.”
“The more attacks I had, the more afraid I got. I was always living in fear. I didn’t know when I might have another attack. I became so afraid that I didn’t want to leave my house.”
“My friend saw how afraid I was and told me to call my doctor for help. My doctor told me I was physically healthy but that I have panic disorder. My doctor gave me medicine that helps me feel less afraid. I’ve also been working with a counselor learning ways to cope with my fear. I had to work hard, but after a few months of medicine and therapy, I’m starting to feel like myself again.”

This NIMH publication is in the public domain and may be reproduced or copied without permission. NIMH encourages you to reproduce it and use it in your efforts to improve public health. Citation of the National Institute of Mental Health as a source is appreciated.

Being Lonely And Alone Sucks

…..enough said.Filed under: abandonment

Being Lonely And Alone Sucks

…..enough said.Filed under: abandonment

Click On The Links For More

"Le génie du mal"


"Lord, I miss you child..." plays on the bathroom radio as I pass by. It stings like hell.

I'm interrogated by my spouse after I sit down, and put the phone down. "Who was that? You going to your Dr's tomorrow?" I say no and tell him that he's got the day off. I avoid the first question. He asks, "What, is he on vacation?" Then he goes out to smoke a cigarette he bummed off me, and comes back with, "I asked if he was on vacation. Where was he going?" I said that I didn't know, that that was personal and I didn't ask. and I wouldn't want to know anyway. The last time he just came out and said he was going to Paris. Cunt. 

The spouse is acting all pissy now, and claiming there is nothing wrong when I ask him. Is that passive-aggressive, or childish, or what?  He came out of the bedroom at 5 to watch cartoons as usual, but pretended he didn't care today (again), so I changed the channel over to his station for him. 

What I'm trying to deal with is the PTSD I'm experiencing after trying to have a phone conversation with my daughter while the spouse was in the apartment, but in a different room. Sudden crushing pain in my heart. My heart feels like it's been put in a vice and all the blood's been squeezed out until it's nothing more than a bigass fucking prune.

She was at her accidental sperm donor's house in a better neighborhood, not too far away. A real house that probably had several bedrooms. A guest bedroom. She had been there for a couple of days already. I had no idea. When she finally told me, I was shocked and it fucking stung. 

She got tax info out of me, and seemed to be unhappy about something. I was afraid to ask what was going on. I thought she would tell me. Nothing. Just long periods of silence and a bit of small talk, which is near impossible for me to make. I felt like she was slipping away forever, and fuck, did it hurt. 

I found out that she's not graduating this year but next spring. The spouse is going to fucking freak and be so fucking pissed at me because he wants to move into a bigger place this summer. I told him she was graduating this summer. I really thought she was. I don't want to move to somewhere further from my shrinks and bus routes. I have to eventually get out ALONE to these fucking places! I don't want to pay more rent! I do not want to be forced to be the one that has to do the house hunting like last time. I explained all this to my daughter, and she asked me if I explained it to the spouse. On several occasions, I've told him that I don't want to move until my daughter graduates, so I can keep sending her money. The spouse is going to be so fucking angry that he will threaten to leave, I'll bet. And he might just do it, and then I'll be forced to move anyway. I have no one to help me. I don't know if I will want to bother to go on if I'm forced to move. I don't want to be forced to do anything. I can't stand this shit.

I'm trying not to blow my fucking brains out. I'm really trying.

I don't know when I'll have to deliver the news to the spouse about moving, or rather not moving. It's going to be too fucking soon. He will go - fuck - I don't know what... but it's not going to be pretty. I'll get yelled at and accused of being selfish or some other horrible shit. 

Getting yelled at flips a switch in me. It can go two ways: rage or fear leading to feeling suicidal. I got yelled at enough as a minor. It mostly struck fear in me - fear that I was going to get the beat down. I don't need that shit in my adult life.

After the call, the interrogation, and the music, I just said to myself that I cannot take another year of this. I don't think I can make it through to my daughter's graduation. I can't see life that far ahead. I can't see 6 months from now. It's day to day, or hour to hour, if it has to be. If I have to drug myself to a zombie state just to get through to see my daughter graduate, then I guess that is what I must do.

I guess. 

I cannot stand to fucking live this way. I'm not crying, nor have I been. I feel hurt, disgusted, damaged to all fuck, exhausted, and done, as if the path for me is coming to an end, and they say that there is light at the end of that tunnel. A bright white light. I'll bring my darkest sunglasses.

I’m Wet. I’m Tired. I’m Pissed. Deal With It.

I think I understand now why people commit suicide over financial issues.

No, I don’t have any ideas along that line, but after being hounded for money so much recently—and knowing that we will NEVER escape this mountain of debt—I am in complete sympathy with those who feel that only death will solve their problems. Today, one bill collector called my workplace and told the dude who answered the phone it was about a potential garnishment. Can you believe that shit?!?

I may be massively in debt thanks to medical and other bills, but that doesn’t give a collection agency the right to disclose that information to ANYONE, let alone a representative of my employer. To say that I protested this vigorously would be the understatement of the week……I spoke with the caller’s supervisor and for once was glad all calls are monitored and recorded. I didn’t use a single swear word, nor did I even raise my voice (thank you, Zyprexa), but I did let the man know in no uncertain terms that I was furious and would be making a complaint about that agency to the proper authorities.

Besides, I can’t commit to anything right now because I honestly don’t know how much longer I’m going to be at this job. Try as I might, I can NOT put it all together…..I’m doing better with what little of the computer software I’ve been taught and only need minor cueing, but I’m having a hell of a time running up and down the halls (curse this fucking toe!!) and then trying to remember to make detailed observations of the nursing home residents and their surroundings.

Now when I was a working nurse, I could do a hundred assessments just by  looking, listening, and talking with someone for five minutes. But I’m so nervous, and so awkward with the laptop (‘scuse, me, “tablet” as they like to call it—it certainly is as heavy as a laptop) that you could belt me upside the head with a MacBook and it wouldn’t change the deer-in-the-headlights look on my face. I know. I’ve seen myself in the mirror a couple of times.

So after an exhausting day of trying futilely to keep up with my trainer and feeling like a complete doofus, I got caught in a squall crossing the parking lot to my car, and nearly drowned before I could even unlock the door. The wind was blowing so hard that the rain was literally coming in sideways, and not only did I get drenched but so did the inside of my car, which had the effect of instantaneously fogging up the windows. I drove home wet, cold, discouraged, and fuming.

But ever the optimist, I have to say that I’m a lot better than I was a week or so ago, when I was ready to pack up and flee the country. I’ve been on the Zyprexa for eight days now and it’s had the desired effects. I STILL don’t like feeling so flattened, but flattened means I’m also not  a) having suicidal ideation over the sad state of my financial affairs; b) in a blind rage over the collection agency’s misconduct; and c) giving up on myself just because this job makes me feel utterly incompetent.

Whatever happens from here on out, I’ll never regret having tried it. It takes a lot of good stuff to be hired by a government agency for something like this, so I really can never again put myself down as a loser. I just don’t happen to be suited for the position, nor is it suited to someone with the kind of physical and psychological baggage I carry around.

That’s what my mind says. I just wish somebody could explain it to my creditors!


An old pal…

So I feel like I MAYbe heading into chaos again. I took a wrong turn on my path of turning my life around. Now. I’m have faced some consequences already.

Today I did not go to work. I faked sick so I could go to my med appointment and also because…

…I’ve started back smoking. I have only done this for a week and a day, which was yesterday. I feel like its sucking me back in to the old me. The me that didn’t do anything but smoke, lay around, be forgetful, but felt okay. Weed was my commander and I’m just the vessel. I don’t want to do that anymore.

Also, I have been eating everything in sight, without any care. I think I may have gained 5 pounds this week alone. I woke up with really bad heartburn. My mind and body are not one.

I need more control.
How do you self control??


Filed under: depressed, Drugs, Ranting

Disturbed As Fuck

I’ve done shit today but some dishes, take out trash, and deal with technical problems on multiple computers. Everything I touch has been shit. I hate everything. HATE IT. I am so fucking hostile and angry I can barely stand it. This is what demonic possession must be like.

My scalp is crawling with anxiety, which is making me pissed off.

I am watching a show and it keeps fucking buffering every ten seconds, and that is pissing me off.

I am worried about what to do with the cats and my dad called to bitch at me and tell me to rake up the leaves, my yard looks like shit. Which is the one thing the landlord hasn’t mentioned because it’s still cold and we just had snow so I think he GETS that it’s not yard cleaning weather just yet.

Not to mention I’ve been cleaning up puke for three motherfucking days so excuse me if leaves in the yard are low on my priority list.

Tomorrow, I get to see the ass trash fill in shrink who may be a good guy or a complete douche and most likely he will say, stay on your current meds until you see your regular doctor…NEWSFLASH. I didn’t take the Viibryd today and I’m not taking any more of that shit. I’m semi suicidal and homicidal which I wasn’t prior to being on it so I’m gonna make an educated guess even though I lack all the fancy letters after my name…it’s making me worse.

That is pissing me off. Positive thinking can bite me,too. I got out of bed the other day thinking all was normal and since then, it has been one chunk after another reality has been biting off my ass. That too is pissing me off.

To keep it simple everything is pissing me off.

God, last time I was this violently angry I was pregnant.Since that requires human contact though it’s not the explanation this time. This is all me and my fucking depression that has become a goddamn psychosis.

GRRRRRRRRRRR.

My kingdom for some fucking alcohol. That’d get me piped down fast. No cure, but calmer would be better.

Least my kid is asleep for this portion of the day. She kept fish sticks down tonight and her fever is gone so I am hoping she will feel school ready come morning. Though will I feel like bothering getting her to the bus…It all feels like trudging uphill in molasses with giant shards of glass protruding.

I just want to be in a different mental space, ffs. I can’t cope when I am feeling like a big green rage monster. And why am I feeling like a big green rage monster?

WHY is the sixty four thousand dollar question. Why am I stuck dealing with any of this. To be denied simple sanity seems a pretty crappy hand to be dealt. But I am supposed to put on a smile and pretend to like it and be a good little girl because life is hard and no whining allow.

Fuck that.

I’m hosting whine-a-palooza. Bring on the glow sticks.

Kill me now. Please.

Meh.