Between the recent time change and Douglas’s day off getting changed from Wednesday to Thursday, I’m a little loopy these days. To elaborate, the time change really messed up my son’s sleep schedule. He started sleeping later, not taking a nap, and not sleeping for most of the night. As much as I tried to get him up earlier and earlier to get us back on track, it seemed to only make it worse. He still wouldn’t take a nap and would end up so extremely cranky by the end of the day that we were both in tears. I tried putting him to bed earlier but this resulted in him sleeping two hours and being up the rest of the night.
Amazing what the change of one small hour can do to a toddler’s circadian rhythm.
Likewise, to the bipolar brain it’s a wild ride with no sense of direction in sight. It usually takes me at least a month to adjust, but by then the lack of sleep has triggered a manic episode and off I go, knowing I will eventually crash, just not knowing when. Not to complain, but Daylight Savings kind of sucks.
I’ve danced in and around mixed episodes and manias this past week. On the plus side, Jacen actually took a nap today so maybe, just maybe, he will be back to his regular sleep schedule soon, in which case I can try to resume mine. Only time will tell!
In the meantime, I’ve been working on changing up my schedule, because – I hate to use the misused phrase I’m so OCD, but since I actually do have OCD, I think I am allowed to do so – I am so OCD about schedules! I am constantly writing schedules for myself and the rest of my family. Not that we ever use them, but I guess it’s sort of like a hobby of mine. An intrusive, obsessive, compulsive hobby of mine. My schedules have to be perfect, only they can never truly be perfect. I want everything to go according to plan, no detours, but family life is nothing but detours. So I write another schedule. And another. Instead of writing a book about my life or a fictional character, I should just bundle up all my schedules and sell them as examples of what could but most likely won’t work for every other mom out there. There are plenty of self-help books out there about just this particular thing. I know, because I’ve read a few. There are sites galore about organizing time and setting priorities. I know, because I’ve read most of those too. And yes, it occurs to me on a daily basis that if I would just give up on the scheduling and actually enjoy my life, I would have a lot more time to get the things I’m scheduling done. But does OCD ever make sense? I think not. And these lists represent the fine strings I am trying to pull to make sure everything is safe, solid and secure for all the people I love. Between making lists and schedules, and praying The Prayer perfectly every few seconds throughout the day, I almost calm the anxiety. Not really, but I’m convinced everything and everyone I love would spontaneously combust if I stopped any of it. So. I write lists and schedules. And I pray. And I do a whole slew of other things like washing my hands and organizing things in a certain manner (that may or may not seem logical to others), but we will delve into those some other day. For now, I am going to leave you with a few feel-goods that I sincerely try to keep in mind myself, despite what my OCD tendencies tell me, and despite how time changes and bipolar disorder try to derail my efforts: