The Noise


Oh me.  Me and my rapid thoughts.  I feel like there is a blender going full force inside my head.  I have so much I want to get done, so many ideas zooming in and out…mainly focused around getting organized and resetting my schedule and making things just so in life. But when everything is coming at me so fast all at once, I just want to break down and cry from the stress.  As it is, I am trying (trying!) to relax.  For one thing, I am on the verge of a migraine.  That’s nothing new, since I have a migraine nearly every day, but I do try to prevent them if at all possible, because I don’t have an endless supply of Relpax.  I’ve resorted to stress eating again, which is something I must nip in the bud before I gain all my weight back.  

I realize it probably sounds like I am manic, and in a way I am, but there’s an underlying depression, a frustration with all I can’t seem to get a hold on, so I guess this qualifies as one of my mixed episodes.  Truly, the mixed episodes tend to be the most uncomfortable.  Imagine having a very annoying itch that you just can’t scratch…it’s right in the center of your skull and there are a million flies swarming around it.  Part of you wants to claw it out – blood, guts, whatever – but part of you just, sigh, doesn’t have the strength to try.  So you sit there, itching, craving peace, craving silence.  But all that swarming is loud and relentless…

Is it any wonder why there are so many suicide attempts (and successes) during mixed episodes?

Not that I am suicidal.  But the noise can drive one to do unruly things.  I don’t blame anyone for trying to drink this mess away.  Or dope it away.  Or to even try to kill it away.  Not that substance abuse or suicide is the answer; of course not!  But it’s understandable.  Sometimes when the noise is so loud, it’s hard to believe there will ever, ever be quiet calm again.  

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