Daily Archives: March 15, 2014

Inside The Whirlwind

I felt the difference when I woke up this morning. I was restless and couldn’t wait to get outside. The good weather helps. But all I seem to be able to do is go around in circles: I’ve started several projects, gotten distracted and then gone off and done something else.  At least I got one plant repotted and the soil in the front yard planter turned over so I can grow something in there when it’s actually warm enough.

Thoughts are racing. I don’t like it because it means that things aren’t quite right. Just in the space of a few seconds I thought about how pissed I am that my busted-ass toe still hurts and why it hasn’t healed after over a month in this stupid ortho shoe. I guess I expect too much from my late-middle-aged body, but DAMN I hate still limping around five weeks after the accident. Can you believe that the people in the car I bumped actually filed a “bodily injury” claim against my insurance? Neither car had a scratch, I hurt my toe only because I jammed on the brakes so hard and the impact bent my toe back way too far. Yet THEY’RE claiming injury, so now MY insurance rates are going to go up. I think it’s because I have insurance and they don’t. I should have turned them in when I saw their insurance was expired, but of course I always expect not to get screwed so I didn’t. Stupid me.

I thought about how bad I still want to get rid of all my extraneous crap, but I’m afraid to get started throwing stuff because I won’t stop, and then Will would be upset with me. He thinks I push myself too hard when I have a day like this when I feel so good physically that I want to do everything at once. But I couldn’t get myself organized, so I went out to the back yard and found the bark coming off the rounds of firewood we have back there and played with that for a little bit. Who knew that trees peel like onions?

Then I sat down on the porch with my iPod and rocked out for awhile. Had a great discussion with a ladybug that was crawling around on the porch and then realized that I was talking to a fucking LADYBUG. I’m glad they live in my garden, but chatting with one was kinda over the top and I made myself shut up. I thought about how much I wish I could go back to the nursing home where I worked before, because they have a care manager position open and I at least know THAT job. But I can’t imagine any cirucmstances which would make that happen, so I had to fuhgeddaboudit and move on to the next thought, which was studying my wrists and wondering how people can stand to cut themselves there. Or anywhere else. I understand wanting to end pain, but causing oneself pain in the process of doing so just doesn’t make any sense to me. Not that I want to end anything now, anyway…..it was just a stray thought that comes up once in a while, unbidden.

So now I’m here at the computer, trying to capture the thoughts and only being able to hang onto a few because I have more piling on top of them that seem to think they need to be thought all at once. I don’t know how people can think so much and accomplish so little. Even this post is nothing more than a batch of brain-farts hooked together in no meaningful way. And I suppose somebody’s bound to worry, but there’s really nothing to worry about—my mind’s just doing one of its little whirlwind things is all, and I know how to make it stop that shit. I just wonder where I put the damn Zyprexa after the last time I used it…..?


Fragile

I’ve been lagging on posting. The last week at work was tumultuous at best. A co worker had a massive stroke and is now on a ventilator in the Intensive Care Unit and it definitely shook me. Working in emergency medicine is exciting and exhausting at once. It’s easy for me to be kind and in control when it’s a stranger, but it’s a different ball game when the patient is someone I care about.

My good buddy Doc had to go in for emergency surgery this week and now he’s always on my mind. There was a day in emergency last week when we basically got our butts kicked from every imaginable direction. Full arrest, strokes, heart attacks, car accidents, you name it, we saw it. This is standard in emergency medicine, but some days are certainly harder to get through than others. Decompressing is an absolute necessity on days like that and the last few days have found me being very kind to myself and eating a lot of chocolate.

In addition to all this is the roller coaster that is my relationship with The Paramour. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again that two broken people cannot have a healthy relationship. I am aware I truly need to walk away from him, but I find that so hard to do.  Every time I resolve to forget him and leave him behind, he finds a way back into my head.  It’s always a bit stunning to realize that this time around, I’m the more emotionally secure one. My medication, routine schedule and efforts to take better care of myself are paying off, but I definitely need to make a change in the aspect of this relationship.

Normally all this tumult would have me swinging into mania, but I’ve been able to stay pretty level. Obviously with things like my coworker having a stroke and Doc needing surgery, I felt sad and distressed but taking the time to recognize these feelings and doing things to counter them really helped. I’m happy to say Doc’s surgery went well and he’s in his usual good spirits but I sure do miss having him at work to help me out.

Times like this past week always cause me to have some deep conversations with God, garnering strength to keep going. I try to get some sense of understanding of why things happen and just trust that God has put me where I need to be.  Sometimes on hectic days, just taking the time to be still and hear God’s voice is enough.

Filed under: Self Discovery, Wellness Warriors Tagged: bipolar, stress, wellness

Confessions of a depressed comic

Originally posted on Illicit By Nature:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYs05qPycYQ

A brilliant TED TALKS video on depression. – A very easy blog to relate to if you are also a sufferer.

‘real depression is being sad when everything in your life is going right’

‘every 30 seconds someone in the world takes their life because of depression.’

Check out others on my resources page: http://illicitbynature.com/resources/

View original


Filed under: Ranting

Being a Light in the World Award

being-a-light-in-the-world1

I’m happy to say that Naked Nerves has been nominated for a “Being a Light in the World” award by Dr Rex. She has one of the most prolific and eclectic blogs I’ve seen on here and I’m simply amazed at all her energy and how she follows so many diverse areas of experience. She posts several times a day and always has something good to say or to put out something good someone else has said. She re-blogs a lot of wonderful posts as well as telling her own in her forthright style that pulls no punches and tells it like it is. That makes it an incredible blog called “It Is What It Is”, and you can find her here: http://hrexach.wordpress.com/. I highly encourage you to visit her site and learn something new. You’ll find it here I’m sure. She stays up on all the current stories in our vastly changing world and she does it with such ease and grace it seems like it must be easy. But I know she does a lot of work to put all of the things on her site she does. I’m glad to call her a friend on WordPress and to have been nominated for this award by her. Thanks a lot Horty! ;)

This is a new award that was just founded on March 4th so I guess I’m one of the first to receive it. It’s for those who write their blogs in order to make the world a better place to be with their work and I hope I live up to that in my blog here. I try to, that’s for sure. Here are the words of Barbara, the founder of this award, describing its purpose:

“I’m creating this Award to celebrate all those wonderful people in the World who spread Light, and Love and Hope and Peace in the name of All. 

These bloggers should consistently promote these qualities and work to be a force for peace and light in the world.”

I’m very honored to receive this award and I do try my best to bring light into the world however I can. I do it by writing about illness and the struggles those of us who have them face in dealing with the world and life. I hope my posts help others to recognize what it’s like to live their ways and to learn more and educate them about these conditions I face and that so may others face. I may write about hard subjects but I always try to put a good face on them when I can and stay positive as the award states. It’s a wonderful thing to receive and I’m very grateful. As Dr Rex says “We’re all in this together”. We surely are…

~~The Rules~~

“Thank the person who gives you the award

Spread this award around to the people who you know who are doing this work, so that the work continues and the light is spread

Let your nominees know 

Never give up on your fellow human beings”

I’ll do my best to honor those people who I believe are following the tenets of this award. I honor so many people I really don’t know how to choose just a few and I’m leery of doing too many. So just take it that You are receiving this award just by reading about it. That’s what it means to have carried it forward in your own way and if you want to put the award logo on your blog please do so. I did and it’s in my sidebar now. I know it’s not the same as nominating specific people but it’s the best I can do and I think it’ll go a long way to honor all the wonderful folks who do read what I write about. I hope that follows the spirit of the award if not the letter of the award. I tend to do things a bit differently anyway. So consider yourself nominated and keep putting the ideas of this award into practice as you already do. I’ll never give up on my fellow human beings to do the right things and be a light in the darkness and be a joy to the world with their work, art and all the things they do in their blogs. I have so many people who appreciate me, in my view anyway, and I’m grateful to all of you who do and who read my stories and like my words. I’m very grateful to my community here on WordPress and hope it contiues for a long time. Awards like this encourage me to keep going on. They help change the world with their energy. Thank you Dr Rex, and thank you Barbara, for creating this great new award.

For Peace and Love and Light!

Steve


Filed under: Awards, Illness, Social Change Tagged: Awards, Invisible Illness

Being a Light in the World Award

being-a-light-in-the-world1

I’m happy to say that Naked Nerves has been nominated for a “Being a Light in the World” award by Dr Rex. She has one of the most prolific and eclectic blogs I’ve seen on here and I’m simply amazed at all her energy and how she follows so many diverse areas of experience. She posts several times a day and always has something good to say or to put out something good someone else has said. She re-blogs a lot of wonderful posts as well as telling her own in her forthright style that pulls no punches and tells it like it is. That makes it an incredible blog called “It Is What It Is”, and you can find her here: http://hrexach.wordpress.com/. I highly encourage you to visit her site and learn something new. You’ll find it here I’m sure. She stays up on all the current stories in our vastly changing world and she does it with such ease and grace it seems like it must be easy. But I know she does a lot of work to put all of the things on her site she does. I’m glad to call her a friend on WordPress and to have been nominated for this award by her. Thanks a lot Horty! ;)

This is a new award that was just founded on March 4th so I guess I’m one of the first to receive it. It’s for those who write their blogs in order to make the world a better place to be with their work and I hope I live up to that in my blog here. I try to, that’s for sure. Here are the words of Barbara, the founder of this award, describing its purpose:

“I’m creating this Award to celebrate all those wonderful people in the World who spread Light, and Love and Hope and Peace in the name of All. 

These bloggers should consistently promote these qualities and work to be a force for peace and light in the world.”

I’m very honored to receive this award and I do try my best to bring light into the world however I can. I do it by writing about illness and the struggles those of us who have them face in dealing with the world and life. I hope my posts help others to recognize what it’s like to live their ways and to learn more and educate them about these conditions I face and that so may others face. I may write about hard subjects but I always try to put a good face on them when I can and stay positive as the award states. It’s a wonderful thing to receive and I’m very grateful. As Dr Rex says “We’re all in this together”. We surely are…

~~The Rules~~

“Thank the person who gives you the award

Spread this award around to the people who you know who are doing this work, so that the work continues and the light is spread

Let your nominees know 

Never give up on your fellow human beings”

I’ll do my best to honor those people who I believe are following the tenets of this award. I honor so many people I really don’t know how to choose just a few and I’m leery of doing too many. So just take it that You are receiving this award just by reading about it. That’s what it means to have carried it forward in your own way and if you want to put the award logo on your blog please do so. I did and it’s in my sidebar now. I know it’s not the same as nominating specific people but it’s the best I can do and I think it’ll go a long way to honor all the wonderful folks who do read what I write about. I hope that follows the spirit of the award if not the letter of the award. I tend to do things a bit differently anyway. So consider yourself nominated and keep putting the ideas of this award into practice as you already do. I’ll never give up on my fellow human beings to do the right things and be a light in the darkness and be a joy to the world with their work, art and all the things they do in their blogs. I have so many people who appreciate me, in my view anyway, and I’m grateful to all of you who do and who read my stories and like my words. I’m very grateful to my community here on WordPress and hope it contiues for a long time. Awards like this encourage me to keep going on. They help change the world with their energy. Thank you Dr Rex, and thank you Barbara, for creating this great new award.

For Peace and Love and Light!

Steve


Filed under: Awards, Illness, Social Change Tagged: Awards, Invisible Illness

For the Yogi In All Of Us – Relax your Brain

For the Yogi In All Of Us

For your Brain to relax on Brain Awareness Week. If your into yoga or thinking about it, here is a little photo to peak interest.

Also, LIKE my Facebook for the B.U.L Blog :)


Filed under: Images, Mindfulness, Uplifting

Some Are Born To The Endless Night

The Doors - End of the Night

Take the highway to the end of the night 
End of the night, end of the night 
Take a journey to the bright midnight 
End of the night, end of the night 

Realms of bliss, realms of light 
Some are born to sweet delight 
Some are born to sweet delight 
Some are born to the endless night 
End of the night, end of the night 
End of the night, end of the night 

Realms of bliss, realms of light 
Some are born to sweet delight 
Some are born to sweet delight 
Some are born to the endless night 
End of the night, end of the night 
End of the night, end of the night


It's Saturday, which means that doing the treadmill should not be an option. It should be done. I feel too sick to even move too much at this point, so I can't see that it's going to happen. Another fail?

My alarm woke me up, but also the spouse this time, and he actually got up. I was instantly irritated. Fucking PMS.I could not stand to be in his presence or hear him. I felt a little guilty about it, but stopped myself because I was going out into the dark to the Starschmucks around the corner. Had to get away from here. 

I tried to watch a tv show on my phone, but I guess my connection wasn't cooperating. I don't know anything about that stuff. So that was out. All I had was music, but it just wasn't enough of a distraction to be able to stay after finishing my coffee. 

Outside, it was dry, dark, and not too cold. Again, I couldn't find my friend, the moon, but I found I was enjoying my smoke before I went back in the building. Walking down the hall to my door, the hallway seemed never ending and crazy. Maybe vertigo. Maybe I didn't want to go back, so my brain started fucking with me.

Mostly I just feel...nausea...with a dose of anxiety coming on. I can feel my cheeks starting to burn up. I don't know if that's from anxiety or not getting enough clonopin in time. Very addictive stuff, they say. 

I doubt that I'm going to get anything done, like the taxes. I tried to start doing that yesterday eve, but the spouse was being too noisy and distracting that I couldn't concentrate for shit. No matter how many times I read bits and pieces of instructions and rules, I just couldn't get it. I'm trying not to let it become overwhelming, but it's really feeling almost impossible with the presence of the spouse - his comings and goings, his seemingly happy little mood that I'm doing the taxes. He probably has big dollar signs in his eyes and a big smirk on his face, but I won't look at him.

I'm tired. Tired of this fucking anxiety, taxes, bullshit, pms, irritability, physical symptoms... I just want to push all the papers off the couch and curl up in a ball. 

I feel so weak, like someone has taken the vacuum hose to me and sucked out any energy that I had, and kicked me in the uterus.

I just feel wrong. All wrong and unable to deal with figures over and over. I wish I wasn't that slow and cognitively impaired to deal with paperwork and shit, but I NEED it OUT of my life. No one's going to help me either. I wonder if I should request and extension, but I don't want to drag it on, and I can't. I am obligated to give my daughter my info, and don't ever want to let her down again.

Current status: Fail




Writings from the Mother of Bipolar Bandit Part 5: The next Manic Episode and some things I learned

pic for bb There have been so many episodes for Michelle as she would cycle 4-6 times a year if not properly medicated.

The second memorable time she became manic was when she and her sisters were home for a few hours and her sisters had to call their grandmother to come as Michelle was throwing furniture into the swimming pool. They were afraid and I felt awful.

This was before cell phones and the golf course had to come out to find us. My husband had begged me to go play 9 holes and everything seemed ok when we left. The course was only 5 minutes from our house. I was not really into golf at that time but wanted to spend a few hours alone with my husband.

We had a membership and I had not been to play there even once. 

All of this lead to another hospitalization. I am not sure when we came to the realization that this was not going to be a matter of a medication stabilizing life for our family. I worked extra hours trying to make sure the younger girls could get away to camps,church camp, week long basketball , and gymnastics camp.

I wanted them to have some normalcy in their lives. Looking back, I should have been the one to get away. We,mothers, tend to be an unselfish lot.. putting everyone else and their needs ahead of our own. 

My advice here is to do something for yourself. If you don’t have money then see if friends will take your kids for a weekend and just do something for yourself. Even if it is watching movies or going to local lake and watching the waves roll in, or reading a book, it’s important to do things for yourself.

I was lucky that Michelle’s sisters were around 11 and 13 , that we had good insurance and my husband made good money. I was so overwhelmed at times and disappointed in so called friends and relatives. They thought they had all the answers and were not supportive.

However, God blessed me with good  people I knew already and who became wonderful friends. Find yourself some compassionate people to get you through the ups and downs. 

Because I was a nurse , I always asked nurses that were working on psychiatric unit questions like. if this was your daughter would you take her to this doctor ?

They can answer a direct question but can,t voluntarily tell you to get another doctor ( even if they would really like to )

Michelle would always feel so bad when she would get better because of her bizarre behavior.

Many days when I had a day off I would just read psalms or proverbs, cry and pray. The Lord always seemed to listen and give me strength to endure and not feel so alone in all of it.

Do not be afraid to share your crisis because you never know who will be able to guide you, lift you up, suggest a different doctor or something else to try. They also may suggest something you hadn’t thought of.  

I was desperate to find help for my mentally ill child. I would do anything for any of my kids. I read , studied, inquired of anyone I felt might have an answer. Some suggestions were so simple. Some worked , others didn’t but it was always nice when others cared. Many times I would get strength and just know that I was being prayed for. 

I do not know how anyone could endure trials in life without a belief in God. I am so thankful for His presence in my life.

Until next time. God bless.

Bipolar Bandit’ s Mom Michelle has bipolar disorder and is willing to share her struggles in hopes that others will be helped by them. Follow her on Facebook Twitter Pinterest


Writings from the Mother of Bipolar Bandit Part 5: The next Manic Episode and some things I learned

pic for bb There have been so many episodes for Michelle as she would cycle 4-6 times a year if not properly medicated.

The second memorable time she became manic was when she and her sisters were home for a few hours and her sisters had to call their grandmother to come as Michelle was throwing furniture into the swimming pool. They were afraid and I felt awful.

This was before cell phones and the golf course had to come out to find us. My husband had begged me to go play 9 holes and everything seemed ok when we left. The course was only 5 minutes from our house. I was not really into golf at that time but wanted to spend a few hours alone with my husband.

We had a membership and I had not been to play there even once. 

All of this lead to another hospitalization. I am not sure when we came to the realization that this was not going to be a matter of a medication stabilizing life for our family. I worked extra hours trying to make sure the younger girls could get away to camps,church camp, week long basketball , and gymnastics camp.

I wanted them to have some normalcy in their lives. Looking back, I should have been the one to get away. We,mothers, tend to be an unselfish lot.. putting everyone else and their needs ahead of our own. 

My advice here is to do something for yourself. If you don’t have money then see if friends will take your kids for a weekend and just do something for yourself. Even if it is watching movies or going to local lake and watching the waves roll in, or reading a book, it’s important to do things for yourself.

I was lucky that Michelle’s sisters were around 11 and 13 , that we had good insurance and my husband made good money. I was so overwhelmed at times and disappointed in so called friends and relatives. They thought they had all the answers and were not supportive.

However, God blessed me with good  people I knew already and who became wonderful friends. Find yourself some compassionate people to get you through the ups and downs. 

Because I was a nurse , I always asked nurses that were working on psychiatric unit questions like. if this was your daughter would you take her to this doctor ?

They can answer a direct question but can,t voluntarily tell you to get another doctor ( even if they would really like to )

Michelle would always feel so bad when she would get better because of her bizarre behavior.

Many days when I had a day off I would just read psalms or proverbs, cry and pray. The Lord always seemed to listen and give me strength to endure and not feel so alone in all of it.

Do not be afraid to share your crisis because you never know who will be able to guide you, lift you up, suggest a different doctor or something else to try. They also may suggest something you hadn’t thought of.  

I was desperate to find help for my mentally ill child. I would do anything for any of my kids. I read , studied, inquired of anyone I felt might have an answer. Some suggestions were so simple. Some worked , others didn’t but it was always nice when others cared. Many times I would get strength and just know that I was being prayed for. 

I do not know how anyone could endure trials in life without a belief in God. I am so thankful for His presence in my life.

Until next time. God bless.

Bipolar Bandit’ s Mom Michelle has bipolar disorder and is willing to share her struggles in hopes that others will be helped by them. Follow her on Facebook Twitter Pinterest


I have a new GP

I have changed doctors...GP's, that is.  I was in a power struggle with my former doctor.  She is 12.  Well, of course she is older than 12, but she is very young and doesn't believe what I tell her.  If I do not manifest the symptom in her office, then they do not exist...symptoms like air hunger, head tremor, hesitation in my movements, burning tongue and throat.  I wanted to get a neurologist to weigh in on what was going on.  She would not refer me.  I called to get the results of my lab work.  She would not tell me what the specific numbers were, just that "everything looks fine."

The new doctor gave a talk on "Taking Charge of Your Health."  I thought, "Oh good, this is what I am looking for."  So, I scheduled an appointment with him.

I wish I could tell you he was different.  He pretty much dismissed my concerns.  What I referred to as 'air hunger,' he called a 'sigh.'  Really?  Since my head was not shaking at the time, he said it was a non-issue.  My psychiatrist takes me more seriously than that, but then I have been with him for more than 10 years.

But the new GP did bring up a valid point.  All of my weird symptoms are neurological, BUT there is nothing a neurologist could do to fix them...essentially, suck it up.  Well, actually, he said "live with it."  In all fairness, my psychiatrist had said these symptoms fall in the PITA realm...or, Pain In The Ass.

Something else the new GP said that was interesting was that my setting a goal to "Run before I die," may actually have been my own internal psyche's way of trying to heal my body of these strange symptoms...walking and running may ultimately even out the neurological noise that I am experiencing.  Okay, I can run with that.

Sorry.