I was born a female but have never felt female.. or male to be exact. I consider myself genderfluid, or androgynous, or just plain agendered. This really has nothing to do with mental illness, actually. But it can be frustrating at times. What does it all mean?
I’m a cis-female, meaning I was born a female and I generally identify as female, using female pronouns (she, her) and even though I don’t identify as female all the time, I keep it simple, and use the female pronouns as to avoid confusion.
However, genderfluid can throw things around. I never used to think that females changed their sex. For most of my life I’ve known about male cross dressers that dressed like females, and got sex changes to be females. When I was older I learned after F2M (female to male), genderfluid, genderqueer, drag kings and so on. Call me sheltered. My first step was permanent birth control: Getting my tubes tied, which I did in 2011.
Am I transitioning to a male?
Not right now.
I don’t know.
It’s confusing when you’re stuck in the middle of the gender spectrum because a lot of people don’t believe in a gender spectrum, and think you’re either A or B. My therapist fortunately said right away that there IS a spectrum and that I don’t have to fit on A or B, ever, in my life, I can be anywhere on it, as long as I’m happy, that I’m me and I feel comfortable. Do I want testosterone (T)? Maybe. If it won’t upset my moods too much and I can stop my periods? Hell yes. I have horrible periods.
I’d have to take to my doctor about this. Gulp. I’d talk to my tdoc first. He’s pretty understanding about the gender spectrum thing. He asked which pronouns I preferred, even, without me bringing it up! I said just use female, it’s easier than the neutral (them, they, which are so impersonal, or made up by other genderqueer and fluids: ze, zan, zis, etc, which are so damn confusing, even I screw them up!)
I mean, my GP is really awesome, but its a touchy subject. My tdoc stands behind me on it, I could get him to write out a note. I think I may. Next session is Wednesday the 12th and I see my GP on the 14th for my Piportil shot. I could casually bring it up. I also have a physical on the 25th. Yearly, routine. I’ve lost 36 pounds since last years physical.
My GP and tdoc think that since I feel healthy, no light headedness, no bad blood pressure (its normal), no bad blood work (normal) the weight loss is no problem, especially since I’m admitting to it (weight loss) and not hiding it, like I would be if I were ED’d, and actually kinda frustrated I’m losing weight, and asking how to gain some back, and not getting into any eating disordered behaviour (I am not, I do not want to live that way EVER again) that I’m healthy, and there’s no need to intervene. They think its the Topamax (well, GP does, as tdoc isn’t a MD and can’t really say) and it’ll stop.
People constantly comment on the weight loss, though. Its annoying. When I was 150lbs, I was kinda miserable, because none of my old clothes fit, bra’s were super uncomfortable, I felt fat. I was overweight at 150 (I’m 5’3, barely) and the meds did that. My rubber riding boots were nearly impossible to get into, I couldn’t get into my old breeches (which are cursed, since every time I’ve ridden in them I’ve fallen off, I refuse to ride in them now!) and other whiney crap. I felt fat all the time (even though fat is not a feeling) and now people bug me about how much weight I’ve lost, when really, I’m about at my set weight. I’m actually 10lbs below it.
Nobody has really brought up an eating disorder. They saw how much I ate at all you can eat sushi last week. That hit the spot. Goddamn it was so good. I didn’t chow down as much as I wanted, but I ate a LOT. And I had dessert, too. We had a blast. I went out dressed as a boy, too.
So what do I want?
Drag King <3
I want a more non-gendered body. I don’t want periods. I don’t want breasts. I don’t want people to recognize me as female. I’ve got short hair, I chopped off my faux hawk last week. Because of the weight loss I’ve gone down to a C cup, but on my size, that’s pretty noticeable. I ordered some breast binders. I dress fairly androgynous. Some of my tattoos are girly, some aren’t. I do look young for 29, I look more like an 18 or 19 year old. My ex says “From behind, in the street, you’d think she was a 16 year old boy” but I guess I have a girlish face.. and big boobs for my size. I like my clitoris though, it brings lots of pleasure. TMI? Ah well, fuckit. 🙂 Mix clitoris with hitachi magic wand…. yea… now I’m getting TMI.
My mom knows I get called sir once in a while, that I dress like a boy every so often, but she doesn’t know how off I feel as a “young woman”. My dad would think I’m some “fucking queer” (which I am, sorry dad) and he’s all homophobic and all that jazz. He’s almost 70, so I’ll give him the generational difference. He’d never understand. My mom doesn’t care if I date a man or woman, or both at the same time. She’s supportive. I’m sure she still wants her daughter though. I don’t think I’d ever fully transition, but she is open to me having my uterus removed (I’d keep the ovaries as not to go into early menopause) and she doesn’t care how I dress, and I think she’s glad I don’t walk around dressed like a skank in tiny outfits.
She doesn’t care what I do to my hair, either. She’s seen it every length and style and colour. She said “Cool” the first time I got bored and shaved it bald. She was more angry the first time I dyed it blue when I was 15, because she told me NOT to. Then she eased up. It’s just hair. But change my gender? That’d take some getting used to.
I’m glad to have a supportive mom.
But I don’t think I’d ever go completely male. I do enjoy dressing up, being girly, once in a while. I can continue to play on the spectrum. Slowly come out to people. Go out as a boy more often. People already mix me up as a boy! dating wise, I’m queer, which means I’ll date anyone, and I’d be honest: I am female genetically.
Drag King at Pride
We have a supportive LGTBQ&everything else community in my area, which I am thankful for. I’ve met some amazing people through it. I also know an amazing M2F femme boi and an amazing genderqueer young man as well. We help each other.
There. After years, I’ve come out. Coming out as queer is much easier than coming out as genderfluid, or as some call it: genderfuck. Trust me, this isn’t something that “just came on”. It’s been going on for a long time. I never had a name for it, or support for it until a couple years ago. Then I had to sort it in my head.
I think I’m at 7 or 8. It changes.