Insomnia

Lately my insomnia has been awful.

I don’t know why it’s been so bad, but I know that I can’t get to sleep. My brain is just swirling with thoughts and constantly on high alert. I’m sure that it’s stress. After all, my sister came and visited (a major stress-inducer), then my dad and his girlfriend came over a week and a half later…which is an even bigger stress-inducer for me. So I’ve just been hugely overwhelmed. Dealing with either one of them (dad/sister) is enough to throw me completely off my normal schedule. Both are terrible, with how they try to act like everything from my middle school/high school life never happened…up through college. I can’t really accept that, so it makes it difficult. I think that helped to throw off my sleep schedule. And I just haven’t been able to get it back on schedule.

Not to mention the search for a job has not been going well. Though I did have an interview on Monday, and another one this upcoming Monday. Both are temp positions…but that’s better than nothing, so I don’t mind. A job of any sort is a job after all. That’s been adding to my stress, I think. Plus, my family is acting again like I’m just majorly depressed. It’s just a matter of me being on the lower end of the spectrum, yes…but I’m also having some troubles with my OCD as well. My family’s been having a little bit of fun with some of my “habits”, because some of them (i.e. my sister on her last 2 visits) thought it would be funny to provoke reactions out of me. She deliberately triggered a few things that she knows will make me extremely anxious, because it’s funny…which have put me back a bit in general dealing.

See…I’m getting better at a certain compulsion I have. I have to have the volume of my music/TV on a multiple of 3. So…9, 12, 15, etc etc. I had gotten to where, if I was in my mom’s car, and she had the music already on…I wouldn’t need to check it, I could just deal with whatever volume she had it on. But, we were in the car, and my sister deliberately kept switching music between 11 and 13 on the volume. Which, is admittedly a minor thing. But…to me, when I knew it wasn’t on a multiple of 3, it was seriously freaking me out. Then of course, my mom just sided with my sister and her boyfriend, who were laughing at me. So I was having trouble with it. And now…I’m backslid to where I know I have to check the volume every time I’m watching/listening to anything.

I shouldn’t let my dumbass sister affect me like that, but it’s difficult not to when people who are supposed to be “supportive” turn around and just let someone else do things that are harmful to my mental health. Plus, she manages to trigger hypomanic states in me as well. Pretty sure that siblings always can bring out the worst in each other…but with my sister, it’s worse. She’s able to trigger every detrimental aspect of my mental health, to do everything that can make me worse, to set me back. So I think that her visits always seem to make me worse. Because I was doing better on the insomnia-train until she showed up.

I’m just hoping that I can fix this soon now. I need sleep and to be well-rested if I’m going to get a job and function normally.

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