So, it’s here. What’s next? Get out of bed? No. Take a shower? No. Get something done? No.
Honestly, that is exactly how I feel. The guilt hovers over me and takes control over all of my thoughts.
It’s too much, I can’t do that today. I just need to stay in this bed right now. I promise, I’ll do it tomorrow. I am bargaining with my guilt.
As a person who has gone through this for more than 20 years, I find it more and more difficult to reach out and say, today is a bad day, please help. I ought to be a pro, but I find that people begin to develop their own opinions and stereotypes as to why I am acting this way. “She is so selfish, she is just trying to get attention.” Or my favorite, “She’s just lazy”. Yes, please direct all of your attention this way. Let’s tell everyone how I haven’t left the house in weeks, and I can barely take a shower every 4 days. That’s not humiliating at all.
We’ve all been taught coping mechanisms for situations such as this, but do they actually work? In my experience, there is a 50/50 shot that watching a funny movie, or lighting my favorite candle are going to be the solution to all of my problems. I’ve heard it all before, but people just need to understand that there will be days in a depressed person’s life that they cannot just snap out of it, or lighten up.
When the darkness does find its way into your life, brace yourself for what is to come, but try something new. Try to be optimistic. Don’t obsess over how bad you are feeling. Whatever you do, don’t try to make yourself an 8 page to do list hoping that accomplishing it will make you feel better.
If I leave you with nothing else this time around, let me leave you with this. It’s going to be OK. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, or what anyone has to say about you. It will be OK. One step at a time.