Daily Archives: February 27, 2014

Clozaril Is Turning Me Into A Fat Pig

This damn medicine!  It is turning me into a fat pig, but it’s also doing a little thing called “Keeping Me Alive“.   I saw Dr. Drugs yesterday and he was so happy with my progress, he’s switched me from every-other-week to monthly appointments!!  Yeah!  I think I have lost some impulse control by stopping the Topamax, I really never experienced impulse control (especially when it comes to money) until I took Topamax.  If I ever stop ECT, (Jesus it has to end sometime, right?) I may ask to go back on the Topamax.  The other thing that Topamax really helped with was my urge to abuse substances.  It really cut it down.  Now I am really craving the marijuana.  Dammit they just legalized it in this state!!  I want to go to the mary store and see what they got.  Resisting.   Just for today, I will eat Butterfingers like a pig, and not abuse alcohol or marijuana.  Just for today.

So friends…how are you?


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar Depressed, Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar ECT, Bipolar Fat, Bipolar Pothead, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Hope, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

Biology of Bipolar Disorder

While many of us know in our hearts, and minds, that bipolar disorder is the result of a chemical imbalance or some other dysfunction in the brain, each day I

The post Biology of Bipolar Disorder appeared first on Depression and Bipolar Disorder:.

Bee-ing Busy (Ha, like what I did there…you know, with the BEE..okay..)

Hello WordPress FAMILY!

I am feeling much better thanks to YOU! All the comments I have received have been a godsend. I love getting such encouraging words from you. Thank you Thank you!

I have been keeping myself pretty submerged in this new job. I worked 9 hours today, and all I did was move shirts around and make the store look good. Who knew it was going to be such hard work. I’m kind of liking it more and more each day and I think I may have a knack for it.

So… I also went to see my therapist on Monday, which I KNOW helps me out MUCHO. She such a nice person and seems to genuinely care about my well-being. She is also around my age, so I think she can relate to me more on a level that I like. I have pushed back my apportionment dates with her to every two weeks, because I’m poor. That’s still the same..

In other mental health news,….actually I haven’t been keeping up with ANY mental health news. I’m sorry. I need to get back into the battleground of our fight and expose the insurgents! (Wow, that was really COMMANDO!). Sometimes I just need to escape from writing and focus on…well myself, I guess.

I hope everyone is doing well and not much BAD has happened!

I still need people who would love to share their stories with me on Fridays! If your interested or KNOW SOMEONE who is interested please email me at [email protected]!!

Well, this isn’t the last of me, I promise. I will be more active and better the coming months. I just hope that I was continue to help and get help from such awesome people.


Filed under: Ranting

In Dreams

                                                               I used to wear blue velvet...

Wow. Get some beer, some time away from me, a chat with someone else, and you've got a changed man.

My spouse came back from his lunch date a little buzzed, but seemed happy to see me. He also apologized for treating me so mean the past couple of days, and that money is just money. And that there will never be another me. He said he didn't care about all that tax crap. He hugged me for a long time. It all made me cry and apologize again for fucking up. We exchanged the "I love you"s, of course. We stood there in the kitchen, locked together for a long time. Later on he went and had a nap.

I went back to my computer and tea.

Now in the sober light of day, I find it hard to trust what he said, of course.

1. I have MH issues
2. He hasn't always been truthful for too long (he's been flakey)
3. He had been drinking a bit
4. He has diagnosed and (IMO) undiagnosed MH issues: Depression is his diagnosis at present

So I'm left with the prepared tax forms just sitting on the coffee table in plain sight. They just need his signature. My signature is on the form. I already have a stamped and addressed envelope ready for it. Now how do I get him to actually sign the forms? I need to make copies or scan the crap at least. That would bring attention to the forms. I'm worried as to whether that would be a bad or "good" move.

I just want to get the shit out of here and not think about it anymore! I don't know if I can deal with it tonight, but the sooner, the better, as he seems to be in a better mood in the daylight, and he just got back from the unemployment office. Not a good time. He's already changed into his PJs and it's not even 3pm.

Oh, looks like he's going for another nap. Oh. Oh well.

Let's get some shit straight here. I wake up a bunch of times during the night, sometimes sweating, sometimes freezing from sweating, but mostly for no reason, then I get up at the time I set my alarm for which is 6am now. My spouse gets up maybe an hour after that, lately a little bit longer. He takes forever to "wake up" after he's up. He says an hour. Me, I'm wide awake each time I wake. Anyway, he takes naps. Sometimes two during the day. One after the coffee is finished, and then another in the late afternoon. It kind of disgusts me, but that's because I wasn't raised to do that, and it stuck.

Back again...

The spouse is up. Fuck. He's up again and just set down a glass of water next to the forms that are waiting for his signature, with a pen just above them on the coffee table... Clearly, he's ignoring them. Now he's off washing dishes in a very noisy way, suggesting that he's irritated by "having to do it". I said I would do it, I just didn't give an exact time of day/eve. I didn't want to put pressure on myself. Riding the bus alone to the shrink's and surviving an hour of that was stressful and emotionally exhausting enough today. Give me a fuckin' break.

Yeah, I mentioned to the shrink that he likes to play passive-aggressive games if he feels like he's not in control of the world, and he probably doesn't since he's not working right now. I don't like to participate. He's pretty much just stuck here with me, and doesn't seem to want to do anything. Not even going for a walk. That fucking sucks.

I'll have to try try try to venture out alone tomorrow, if it's now raining too badly. I'm going to have to get up earlier as the sun is coming out earlier and ruining my moonlit mornings. I'll try for 5am tomorrow, and spend a little time alone away from home. Either in the coffee shop or outside, smoking. Yeah, early to bed and early to rise and get the fuck out of here and get coffee and a cigarette. I can't possibly go out in the morning light.

I was fucking livid when I got home from my shrink appointment today and found all the blinds pulled open. He knows I hate outdoor light coming indoors. I still had my sunglasses left on, so I kept them on for quite a while, until I sensed that the spouse wouldn't have a cow if I shut half of them, and he was out of the room.

5-8pm nothing but tired cartoons here.

I'm tired and writing on "Notepad" while "The Devil's Waltz" plays online in the background. A re-run, I know. I need to be carried away from the reality of this place and this tired situation.

I just want to go to sleep, a heavy sleep, with heavy, vivid dreams that take me far away from here to another time and place. I travel alone in my dreams. Rarely do I ever have known persons in my dreams. I do have known places. Not real places, but real dream places that I've been back to several times. I never dream about my spouse. In my dreams, I am able to drive, but not in real life. PTSD. Motorcycles too, which I enjoy riding on (passenger only) in real life. I miss that. I miss having more of a life.