I was going to write a flowery post full of recollections of time spent with my ex boyfriend and wishing him well. Then I read this post by Sarah at yesandyes.org and it really hit home as this has been on my mind for months. I need closure and I’m not sure how to get it. I’m at a weird point of feeling guilty and relieved. I was not cruel during our breakup, but I know my bipolar made it harder than it needed to be. But most of my guilt stems from the fact that I fell in love with someone else while I was dating him. Having been betrayed by partners in the past, I knew ending our relationship was better than resentment, lies and deception.
I’ve always been very hard on myself, my own worst enemy, and I really need to give myself a break. I am only human and the heart is a tricky thing.Yet I don’t know that I would have changed how anything went. Did I know that on the day The Paramour introduced himself and shook my hand I’d feel the way I still do for him? That I was going to walk away from my boyfriend? No. But that was all it took. No cheating, no epic fighting. Just a hello and I was gone, head over heels.
I have always done my best to accept the path God has set me on and learn what I can from my travels. Hurting my ex was certainly never in my plans, but I am sorry for the hurt I did cause. I’m not proud of how things turned out, but I had to make the decision to honor this feeling in my heart…and my soul.