Daily Archives: February 20, 2014

My Life Story

I recently joined a Write Your Life Story group that a friend of mine suggested. The way the group works is we write on our own time, and then each

The post My Life Story appeared first on Depression and Bipolar Disorder:.

No regrets, just great memories



So, after two years it really has come to an end this time and it really is ok. Having a "relationship" with someone that is nothing more than sex is not something I ever thought I'd do. Not one that lasted so long anyway. I wouldn't have thought it was possible. I'm sure people do it all the time. Ok, so there were a few times where I wondered what on earth I was doing and questioned my feelings for him but I can honestly say that I have had some of the best moments with him and I have good memories that will last forever. I doubt he realised but he helped me get through some tough times.
I was so scared when he said he needed to talk. We never really talked. It's always been just about the sex. I knew what was coming and it sent me into a panic. I guessed he'd met someone and wanted to tell me that we would have to stop meeting up. All sorts of crazy things went through my mind. I convinced myself that I must be in love with him and I'd be miserable without him. I got myself so upset that I just cried and cried. I know now that I reacted like that because of the fear of change and the fear of losing something that's been so good from my life. When he did come round and speak to me about it I realised that yes of course I care and of course I have feelings but that what we'd had never was going to go anywhere. We both knew that from the start. In real life we are worlds apart. We both needed something physical at the time and it suited us both. We knew what we were doing and it was what it was. When he told me about her it did feel strange but I couldn't help but feel happy for him. I really do wish him well. He's a genuinely lovely person. Sometimes I think if you really do care about someone you have to put your own feelings aside and be pleased for them. We didn't have sex. We decided it wouldn't be right.... not even one last time. I'm glad. Twice before we've said it was over and then just carried on. I know it's different this time and somehow I feel relieved. I have been worrying about how it would ever come to a conclusion. I'm just so pleased it ended in a good way. It's inevitable that we'll bump into each other but I know it will be ok. I'd like to think that we will remain on good terms and there's no reason why we shouldn't. I wish him nothing but happiness. I will miss having someone to call on when I'm feeling horny! :-) but at the moment I think I'm going to be celibate for a bit and just be. Maybe one day I'll meet someone to share my life with fully but I'm not going to worry about it.
So, another part of my life sorted. 
The times I spent with him were special. I have no regrets. I'm glad it happened. 

Ruby Woo and Moxie




 Einstürzende Neubauten: Sand    Live 1985


*Um, not exactly once (this is here at the top for a good reason known to me)...


I woke up and was completely clueless for once*. And that was after the coffee. At least I wasn't feeling anxious at all. Yet.

I have the usual appointment with the shrink today. I was going to try to make it by bus all alone. My spouse is home, still laid off from work. He asked me where I was going today, and I told him, the usual weekly shrink appointment. I was irritated, of course, because he already knows this. Why is he pretending not to know? Was he waiting for me to beg for a ride? It seemed like he was hiding in the bedroom. Maybe trying to avoid me? I got pissed.

I slapped on my warpaint, including my Ruby Woo MAC lipstick, which I love, missed, and haven't worn in ages, since I rarely leave the house. My husband doesn't like it so much anymore, because I think he think it brings on more attention? Fuck 'em. My lips are the only part of my body that I can live with without wanting to change. I know, it sounds weird.

So why is it harder to go to the Dr today? Why am I feeling more anxious lately?

My spouse is outside at the moment now, having a cigarette..

A few smacks on the sides of my face! Fucking snap out of it! Don't be a miserable shivering little fucking chihuahua, FFS! You've done this before! Breathe! You'll have sunglasses and an iPod! Get the fuck over it. Once the sting was gone, the anxiety was back. This is not working.

I had a good idea which should have been suggested (in my opinion) by my spouse ages ago! Or I shouldn't have been such a fucking dimwit and thought of this before.I asked him to walk me to the bus stop. He reluctantly agreed. He walked fast, and I held his hand down the street to my stop. We said our goodbyes, and he asked me if I needed a ride back. What the hell? He acts like I'm putting him out like fuck for asking him to walk me, but he doesn't mind jumping in his car? Yeah, he hates walking. I miss walking. I used to like it, to go exploring downtown, and the older parts of town by bus and walking.

I'm back. I made the bus back home on time. I was kind of glad there was another person there at the bus stop. I don't know why. Maybe so I wouldn't be thinking so much about me and my tiny, pathetic world, and trying to imagine what the other guy was doing standing at that bus stop in the middle of the day.

So I made it to the shrink's and back. I still felt shaky on the bus. I sat in the very front where the disabled and elderly sit. I'm disabled and have the discounted bus pass to prove it, so I sit there. It's a demeaning experience waiting in line, having your pic taken, filling out forms, only to get your disabled buss pass. Then you get to feel like you're officially a second-class citizen. It's a demeaning annual ritual. Anyway, I can't see very well, and need to be able to try to check the street signs as the bus goes along, so I don't miss my stop. Sometimes I ask the driver to stop at my stop, but it's embarrassing.

I had my tea, and the conversation was all over the place with the shrink. I was just too much of a mess to have a plan, and I guess he was just too lazy, or too lax to have had some sort of plan. I don''t know what the fuck I'm doing there lately. All that happened is he said some shit about driving - using it to liken it to something else, which was a trigger for me, I was still raw and feeling weak from the anxiety I'd been going through. At least he asked about what we should be doing, and plan on talking about that next week..Fuck it. Whatever. There's next week, and hope that my spouse will be out of here and working.I don't know. Maybe I'll just have to tough it out alone then.

My spouse being around 24/7 is probably the reason for the added anxiety I've been experiencing. I can think of nothing else. Mycat's fine, she's been to the vet recently and got a shot, is in good health. Acts crazy, sweet, sleeps a lot. I'm... well, y'know. Nuts. I think I should be getting out more by moonlight, but cutting down on the caffeine, and drinking more water when I get back home.

Dehydration made me think of this: I remember having an insane psychotic attack one early morning on a trip to a little snowy (very snowy) nearby vacation town. I had been drinking like crazy the night before, then drank tons of coffee the next morning, and had no water. I must have been soooo dehydrated I just lost it. I got to the point where I went outside alone in the snow with my ipod, trying to bury myself and shit. I was found eventually, then I had auditory hallucinations, and a weird sort of blindness. It was kinda scary, and dare I say kinda cool.. I said NO DRs and refused to go to a hospital. It ended about 6 hours later in the comfort of a dark hotel room.

That same person who took care of me then came to the psych ward I was on years later and told me he wanted me to moved out. Yes, while I was still at the hospital without a discharge date. I hope his house value shrinks to nothing, and burns down. I hope I destroyed all the rose bushes and a tree in the front yard. I hope he gets laid off, fucked over, dies of a heart attack, gets deported, killed while drinking and driving, struck down by lightning, shot and killed in a drive by, falls into a sinkhole, gets beaten to death and robbed, flies off a cliff, gets buried under an avalanche, dies fat, alone, wrinkly, and miserable. This is what I call therapy. I wish I wish I wish. I should have picked up some voodoo skills while I was in New Orleans.

I've got a big challenge I want to WIN. I want to go out tomorrow AM in the moonlight and start my day right. I have to deal with a crazed cat, myself, my spouse, the store, and drugstore tomorrow, so I want a good start!

Pieces of Me/Movie Time

25cdc9ba986e117d64f6f929b0937f6cMy absolute best guy friend at work is taking a new job. In other words, we won’t be able to talk all the time, quote StepBrothers or share all the goings on  of our daily non-work lives. I’m surprised by just how much this is upsetting me. My friend (I will call him Doc) and I hit it off immediately. Our friendship began by us reciting, word-for-word, the “did we just become best friends?” sequence from StepBrothers. We’ve grown closer since then, talking about everything from the military (Doc is in the Navy) to gross hospital humor to my bipolar disorder. I can’t help but smile as soon as I see Doc and there were plenty of rumors going around about our friendship. Doc is ridiculously attractive, but I can honestly say I’m not attracted to him in that sense. He is a kindred soul to me, someone I feel incredibly comfortable with. Doc can tell when I’m not feeling right, bipolar-wise and effortlessly calms me down or lifts me up, depending on what I’m feeling. He mentioned a few weeks back that he was looking into getting a different job. I can understand why he wants to go, he works long hours for less than stellar pay. As much as I want my friends to succeed in their endeavors, that selfish part of me that loves having him there stewed. Doc advised me today he got a great job he interviewed for and while I’m thrilled for him, I keep hearing Morgan Freeman in my head, saying this line from the movie The Shawshank Redemption :”Some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone. I guess I just miss my friend”. 

As I was thinking about just why Doc’s eminent departure is so upsetting to me, I keep thinking about how some people come into our lives, make an impact and leave while other people never leave. With my emotional history, I’ve made and lost many friends. I recognize that some people just aren’t meant to stay in my life. God gives us people in our lives to be a blessing or a lesson, and when someone is no longer a part of my life, I try to figure out what lesson God wants me to learn from having had that person in my life. I also wonder if they miss me as much as I miss them, if I made as much of an impact on their lives as they did mine. We are never really whole after a relationship or friendship ends, I think we leave little pieces of ourselves with them and we take pieces of them with us.  Doc is most certainly a blessing to me, encouraging me to see myself as capable, smart and strong.

I’m truly going to miss Doc and I know it will take a lot of strength to not cry on his last day at the hospital. I’ll miss feeling still and calm while sitting next to him, our ridiculous and juvenile inside jokes, the way we work together seamlessly on a trauma, his professionalism tempered with such compassion. But the thing I will miss the most is his complete acceptance of me, warts and all. There are so many more things I could say about what a great person and friend he is, but his own words speak volumes. I told him about my having bipolar (something I haven’t shared with too many people I work with) and this was what he said:” I can tell when you’re down. You don’t shine as bright then. But I will say that even when you’re down, you are a wonderful friend to me.”

Love ya, Doc.

Filed under: Self Discovery Tagged: acceptance, bipolar disorder, friendship, love, movies, Stepbrothers, The Shawshank Redemption

Taking Action

Well my new behavior that I am working on as I take this DBT intensive is taking action.  I have been so stuck lately, stuck in my Comfort Zone which equates to staying home alone and isolating.  This is really harmful to my mental health.  Although I resist it with every fiber of my being, I am forcing myself to take action, as in, going out and doing something with other people.  I have to say, I hate pushing myself.  I really love my Comfort Zone!  That doesn’t make sense I know but I am really a creature of habit.  The other thing I have historically done while sitting at home isolating is I’ve abused substances quite extensively, mostly marijuana but some alcohol too.  At some point towards the end of last year I came to the conclusion that being stoned all the time was worsening my depression and I stopped using weed.  Right now I am really missing it.  I miss the oblivion!  I have committed to staying sober throughout the nine week DBT intensive that I’m taking, so today I went to an AA meeting.  (That was my “getting out of my Comfort Zone” behavior).  It was just as it’s always been, except when I used to go twenty years ago, everyone wasn’t messing with a cell phone.  Remember when we just had home phones?  Land lines?  Yeah that brought me back.  I used to sit in the bathtub and talk on the phone for hours.  Those were the days….

I had to go to the hospital where Dr. Sweetie works today.  This Clozaril is such a pain in the ass!!  I have to have weekly blood tests so they can make sure it’s not killing me.  Today I went to the lab and signed a release so that they can fax my lab results to the pharmacy.  It’s hard-core!!  I was so worried that I would see Dr. Sweetie (I didn’t).  I am very sad about the complaint my sister filed against Dr. Sweetie.  Even though I know the complaint has merit, it just makes me sad to picture Dr. Sweetie having to deal with the consequences of the complaint.  Dammit.  Why does life have to be so difficult?

Tomorrow I have absolutely zero plans.  Well I guess that’s a bit of a lie because I will have DBT homework to do.  What am I going to do for the rest of the day?  Hopefully I will find something productive to do.

Well my nighttime medicine is kicking in and my head is full of clouds.   Please forgive me for writing the world’s most boring blog this evening, I really just wanted to check in and say “Hi”.   Soooooo……how are you?


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Stuck, Bipolar Depressed, Bipolar Isolation, Bipolar Pothead, Comfort Zone, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Hope, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

Forced silent

I did not go anywhere, technically. One of my lovely neighbors decided to steal service from the cable company so they disconnected me and hooked themselves into mine. It took almost a week to get a cable person here to check it out. He filled me on how this is the sixth time these particular people have hacked in this way but they can never catch them to prosecute. They have threatened him with a gun when he has talked to them. Guess I got lucky cos when the net crashed two hours after they fixed it and I saw my neighbor out back there…I confronted him and was met with denials aplenty. Next thing I know, his anger issue wife who won’t let her kid play with mine for reasons unknown, pounds on the door and jumps me because she doesnt like the way I spoke to her husband. But alas all she was wielding was a half eaten chicken leg. So I was wrong to ask if he was the one tapping into my service..Hmm.

Let me see..”Hey, cut my service off and steal it on my dime, thanks so much for screwing me over,have a nice day!: Wtf, am I am Canadian? (Sorry if Zoe reads that, it’s an old joke.) I saw this same guy kick their dog in the ribs the other day with a steel toed boot and while I am not fans of pit bulls that growl at me and my kid, I abhor people who are mean to animals. These people have been turned in. Few months back, they were arrested and jailed on a drug raid. I tend to let people be but not that they are fucking with me..I’m taking it personally.

It is also sending me into panic mode. I have to live here. Hell, I have to take my kid to the bus stop twice a day with this guy and his wife glaring at me the whole time and that was before I confronted. Not exactly comfortable for someone with anxiety issues. Especially if they”d threaten the cable guy with a gun. How do these people not get put in prison? I could threaten someone with a damn keychain nail file and probably serve ten years.

I suppose the saving grace is, I think the Viibryd, and the warm up in weather is easing me back to my right mind. Not totally. My kid wanted me to talk to her little friend’s mom this morning and I just couldn’t do it, the paranoid bad voices were going at it. So I am better but I am still not well by a long shot. Maybe  I can cope better with this looming threat. I fear less for my personal safety with these people and more for them trashing my shit. They have like 5 kids and last summer we did battle with those kids stealing my kid’s stuff then arguing it was theirs even tho it has her initials on it. These are not people you reason with. They are neighbors from hell.

I don’t see this helping my paranoia at all. I’m sure my shrink will label it situational and no big deal. I know the last time I explained some of my issues that stem frm living in the trailer hood, she told me to move. Yeah cos if I had the means to move, you moron, I’d live in the fucking trailer hood. And I’ve been here 5 years and I have always been fine UNTIL some raging assholes come along and turn a bad neighborhood into a worse neighborhood. It’s the principle. I’ve been here longer, I’ll be damned if they run me off. Besides, living in cardboard boxes is illegal and that’s my only other option.

Blah.

I am pondering taking my kid to school just to avoid the bus stop bit. But I can’t afford to keep doing it and it’s like, suck it up. I just don’t want the bad element starting crap in front of the kids. They would,too, probably consider it some sort of educational outing in how to socialize. Or paranoid bad voices are just overreacting.

I never knew the simple act of getting my internet fixed would turn into such a drama. I hate drama. My nerves hate drama.

I can feel my mood slipping, my anxiety rising. Maybe being disconnected from everything wasn’t a bad thing. Boring but non fatal. Did cost me a shitload in cell time though.

Everything’s a double edged sword. Life is a catch 22.

People think I am joking or being lazy when I say how exhausted I am with life.

One day they might just find out how not joking or lazy I am.

Life’s kicking my ass.