I. Am Terrified


It’s been a long time coming, but I finally had one of my major panic attacks.  It’s been a while, I am proud of that fact, but it doesn’t take away the pain and fear of this last one.  I know what sparked it; we are leaving for our trip tomorrow.  

I have been doing a lot better getting out of the house.  As long as my fiance is with me and I don’t look at the people I pass by in the stores, I have even enjoyed myself.  Last week when we had to stay at the hotel during the snow storm, I managed my OCD germ phobies without freaking out.  But now…now we must drive through ATLANTA!  We are leaving early enough to miss rush hour, but come on, it’s still ATLANTA.  Yes, that city must be in all capitals because, in my mind, it is a scary place that wants me dead.  It wants my children dead.  It will go out of its way to make us be in a horrible wreck or some other catastrophe.  Because, well, it’s ATLANTA.  

I know the odds of being in a wreck are just as common close to home or whatnot, but I am terrified of riding in more than two lanes of traffic.  It just seems to me there are too many lanes going on in Atlanta, too many drivers smushed together at one time, for there not to be a few deaths along the way.  Take into account my fiance’s road rage, travelling with two children, and the way my hyperventilating tends to piss him off even more in a situation like that, and…I really don’t want to go through it.

But my oldest daughter is counting on me to be there at her livestock show, so I have to go through this.  If I die, I will die trying.  What really worries me is my children’s lives…

But, I must try to push these thoughts out of my head.  There is packing to do.  A lot of it.  If all goes well, we should be home sometime Saturday.  I really, really hope all goes well.  I want to enjoy this trip.  It’s the closest thing to a vacation that happens for us.  We even bought swimsuits for the indoor pool…and public pools are another one of my terror-sites, but at the moment it is a distant second to the drive to get there.  

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