Daily Archives: January 22, 2014
If there’s one thing that bipolar has taught me, it’s to NEVER make predictions…
When are you going to wake up world, and realize, the enemy is in our minds.
Want to ensure you don’t miss any articles? Sign up for our email notifications. Just type in your email address in the box labeled “Subscribe via Email,” which is located
To Kiss the Rain.Filed under: Bipolar Disorder
I will start with the words of the founder of this project: “I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to […]
Yeah, that’s the deepest thought I can come up with at the moment.
I went to bed at a decent time last night, even took a Trazadone. The brain decided to go hyper and dredge up every anxiety inducing thought possible so I was awake til almost two. So when the alarm went off…I slept through six snoozes and it shut itself off. I leapt up at nine, not with joy, but because I was late calling my sick kid into school, plus I had to get her in with her doctor and oh yeah, the trash truck is outside so lemme go out in jammies freezing my ass off to do that real quick because my loser ass can’t drag itself out of bed.
That was how my day started.
But automaton mommy got it all done. My kid has a dual ear infection. Explains a lot, except for why she complained about everything hurting including her pancreas but never said a word about the ears.
There is this misconception that up and functional is the same as not being depressed. That level of ignorance cracks me up. Yeah, I functioned, but it was automated. Built into the operating system. And while at the dr office I started getting nauseous and some lady was talking to my kid and my paranoid kicked in and told me the woman was too friendly and probably a kidnapping loony fish. Logically, I know I am being ridiculous. I hope. But the reality is, shit does happen and being a little wary isn’t unwise.
I functioned, but I was just…ill at ease. I love my kid and I want her to be healthy, but there was just no more feeling to the whole outing other than “do the mom thing”, And it’s like that with everything, even things I enjoy, not just things that cause me anxiety or whatever. I’m functioning and yet, the whole time, it;’s akin to a damn treadmill. Going nowhere. No real joy. Just…automated.
And I want it to end NOW. I hate feeling this way. And it’s honestly been a long time since I;ve had such a bad depression and ne that lasted this long. When you can’t come up with one thing to look forward to because nothing makes you nfeel happy…it’s not a great place to exist in.
I want to be happy. I want to have hope and joy. I want to think of the future with anticipation.
Famous last words of a depressive. Just like I told my shrink when she asked if I’m suicidal. I don’t have the energy to kill myself. That’;d require caring.,
No video today. Sore throat, sore back, and lukewarm tea is all I have going on here.
I don't really have much to say apart from the fact that it saddens me when I am reminded how other people are suffering too, from depression, crippling anxiety, suicidal ideation...
I spent most of the afternoon sleeping, as I was knocked out by some Seroquel.
I think what's kept me alive for the past week or so is a "game" called SuperBetter. Here is a bit more about it. It was created by a woman that was suicidal, to save her own life. It got me back on the treadmill, feeling better about little things that are a big job to me like getting dressed, exercising, taking a shower, etc, though I'm still a shut-in. I recommend it, to at least try it. I was suicidal when I started, and now I'm not. I'm not thrilled about life, but I feel like I have accomplished some little things towards my goal of "not wanting to shoot myself in the head and live and be happy".
Tomorrow I have to go to the psychologist, which I'm not looking forward to, but I'm almost looking forward to leaving his office and going home alone on the bus with my ipod and sunglasses, my head empty of the emotional dump I will have taken on the guy. Emotional dump and run, and the green tea is free. Well, included in the price that Medicare Part B doesn't pay. I will feel alone, but alone and free. My husband will be sitting around at home. He's been laid off from work.
I already miss being alone during the day, no matter how isolated I feel sometimes, at least I can do it privately. That means, of course, that I feel alone when my husband is around. Yeah, shitty marriage. Don't want to go there now. "Supenatural" is on.
My sleep sucks ass, but at least for the first few hours, I'm good. I spray perfume in my hair before I go to bed for my own kind of "aromatherapy". I get to sleep even faster with that, though I do take 600mgs of Seroquel. Whatever works, right?