Daily Archives: January 20, 2014

Sick

My kid came home with the flu Friday. She gave it to me. We had a lethargic weekend of fevers and stomach upset, chills and fatigue induced naps. When I felt better today and it didn’t dissipate…I thought I was golden. Which proves if you think, you stink.

If anything the dark depressive cloud is hovering with the weight of a 747 coming down on me. And my anxiety and paranoia have reignited, making me fear phones and mail boxes again. Mostly, I just feel sick in every way. I was physically sick. I am constantly mentally sick. And I am just sick of life, of existence, of every miserable part of this whole thing. I try to tell myself it’s the depression talking…

But I wonder, is it? Because I have been feeling like this for so long now, everything so joyless and so pointless and so frustrating…Is this just what I have become? This pathetic miserable excuse for a human being?

And to some extent, I fear that I have. Because I have been doing some hardcore thinking about my life, about my behavior and my actions and how I haven been a large contributor to my own misery. But what it goes back to is, I was never given a level playing field anyway. I didnt choose mental illness. I don’t ask that my thinking be distorted, that my moods course through like an infection driven fever. i didn’t ask for any of this. And while I have little doubt I’m not a great person and I am difficult beyond words…I look at all my failed relationships and still think, not entirely my fault because I can’t be the one thing everyone needs me to be. And that is, not mentally ill.

Or am I making excuses for myself and I am really just so putrid I should kill myself now?

Fuck you, depression, and fuck you, society. I am become anti social because I do have immense contempt for a society as a whole that demands individuality be stripped away to fit the mold. And when you can’t do that, then your life becomes pointless and you become a joke to society, who in all their infinite wisdom think mental illness is a choice or some sort of joke to be laughed up. I’m never gonna be cool with that no matter what stage of my illness I am in. I think depression just amps it all up and makes me realize I am less lonely when by myself because at least I have the intelligence to know mental illness isn’t a goddamn character weakness.

My head hurts. I am just sick. Sick of it all.

Let’s hope things improve as I enter week two in Viibryd. Frankly, I’m not sure how they can get worse when my own brain is telling to do the world a favor and die.

The rebellious streak I’ve always been chastised for…is probably the only thing that’s kept me going all this time. I rebel even against my own brain. Hell will freeze over before I give it the satisfaction of driving me off the deep end.


Inside a Hypo-Manic Episode

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“No I’m not just upset. I’m way beyond that. I’m truly enraged. I can’t stop my heart from racing and my pulse is pounding. I feel like I want to kill someone, anyone, but especially myself. I want to blow the whole world away. I feel way too much energy in me right now and I can’t sit still.

My brain is boiling and my eyes burn. My head feels like it’s about to explode and the energetic spasms in my body are thru the roof. I have to do something really quickly to stop this or I’ll do something I’ll regret later I’m sure and I don’t want to do that. But I feel so lost and disoriented and out of control. I Hate this shit.”

That was me yesterday when things were really bad. I couldn’t even write about it because I was too irrational. I wasn’t making any sense and I knew it and I had to take action, as I describe below, to keep myself from doing harm to myself or others, or just plain trash my belongings. And I still feel it today too, damnit. Why do I feel this way? It really doesn’t matter. What matters to me is How I feel.

If there are ever any times I doubt the manic part of my bipolar diagnosis it’s when I stay depressed for so long I think that part of me has gone away. It takes times like this to realign myself with my full nature to recognize that the manic part of me is still alive and well, unfortunately.

I usually stay well below the midline with my moods. I’m usually depressed or on the verge of it. It’s my default state of being. But now and then something happens to me that makes me so angry, irritable and enraged that I explode and lose it entirely. That’s when I recognize the mania that I embody as well as the depression.

Now is when I feel the Manic-depressive aspects of this damn illness. I can stop these feelings better than I can the depression because I have drugs to help me with mania and I don’t with depression. Still, I got so angry and enraged yesterday that I thought I was going to do something really bad to myself or something else. I really felt like destroying everything.

So I took a dose of my anti-psychotic and a dose of an anti-anxiety medicine and in time they calmed me down to the point of being almost comatose. I could barely move after awhile and had to lie down on the couch to decompress and just rest I was so wiped out from the drugs. But that’s a better place to be than destruction.

Technically I’m only supposed to feel Hypo-mania, not True mania, because I was originally diagnosed as Bipolar II, which doesn’t include getting truly manic, just a bit below that, which is called Hypo-mania. That’s mostly true for me in my life. But hypo-mania is just as dangerous as mania if you don’t control it. It can still kill you or make you do things you’d rather not do.

It may not last too long but it lasts long enough to totally degrade my thinking and make my life a living hell. And it’s not so easy on my partner either. He tries to help me but I get so shut down that I refuse all offers of help or suggestions of assistance. I get totally locked up in myself and I can’t move or act constructively.

This is very different from depression. When I’m depressed I feel like I deserve to just die and that’s it. I feel hopeless, discouraged, in despair, and all the rest of the stories any of you who suffer from depression know all too well. But I can see how I’m being and ask for help and receive it. I can change my moods.

Mania is very different for me. I generally lose most of my self awareness. I was barely able to hold on long enough to take drugs yesterday and if I hadn’t done that I’d have been lost for sure. I can see how when I have true mania I totally lose myself in it and can’t begin to act even as well as I did yesterday. You can’t tell you’re messed up is the thing. You think you’re normal. But you’re not…

I’d love to have a handle on these extreme mood swings I have. I guess I do have many of them if I look back at my earlier posts and see that I’ve talked about how to change your moods and thoughts many times. But right now it’s all bullshit to me and none of it is real. I’m just a mess and I feel like I’ll always be one so why bother living.

Shit, I guess I’m starting to slip back into depression even as I write this. Wow. How can I go from being so high to so low in just a few minutes?!! This is called Rapid Cycling and it’s common for a small percentage of those of us who have Bipolar disorder. It’s when we flip from one state to the other several times in a year, or in my case, in a month, a week or a day even. It happens Fast.

I also suffer from having Mixed States where I’m both too high and too low at the same time. I guess that’s what’s going on now because I feel both in my system. It’s like my whole body is flooded with chemicals that make me feel weird and out of it. Slow and draggy but hyper and antsy all at once. It’s not the drugs, it’s the Manic-Depression at work in me. It’s bio-chemical after all so why shouldn’t’ I feel it that way?

So now I’m totally screwed. I feel too hyper to sit and rest and too depressed to do anything about it. A classic state of mind for a mixed state and one I’m all too familiar with. But the fact that I’m shifting does mean that sometime soon I’ll be back to myself and be able to change this mood of mine. I’ve learned that when I feel too powerless with it all I just have to wait it out, like a bad drug trip, and it’ll change in time.

I just hope that I make it thru that time and don’t do something really stupid in the interim. I can tell I’m still on the edge with it all. I’ve even thought of deleting this whole blog because I feel so isolated in it so often. Why do I bother I wonder? No one cares… sigh. Wait! This is depressive thinking I can tell and I have to stop it. Now!

It’s amazing to me how much writing out this stuff can help me. It may not be interesting to you but it’s Real and it’s a glimpse of what I go thru on a daily or weekly basis. I do this dance a lot and it’s a hard one for all of us who have this Disorder. If you have it I suspect you’ll recognize my journey here. If not maybe you’ll understand more about what it’s like to go thru it.

In any event I hope it’s useful to someone out there. It’s been good for me to talk about it and I’m grateful for this forum to speak the things that we live with and how we are in the world. I’m Bipolar and I accept that. It’s an OK way to be much of the time, even tho it’s hell other times. In fact sometimes it really rocks so remember that too. I’ll write about that part when I’m really OK sometime, maybe. We’ll see, eh?

No longer enraged but still Hypo-manic…

Steve


Filed under: Bipolar, Depression, Emotions, Hypo-Mania, Medications, Mental Health, Rapid Cycling Tagged: Bipolar, Invisible Illness, Medications, mental-health, recurrent depression

I Can’t Drive 55

……but I’m gonna rock it, that’s for sure!

It certainly started out happily enough. Will took me to Macy’s after Mass and bought me a bottle of my favorite perfume—my one indulgence in the cosmetics department. This stuff is wildly expensive compared with my usual Bath and Body Works scents, but it smells heavenly and stays on all day long, and I love smelling like a woman instead of a fifteen-year-old girl. Then we walked through the mall holding hands, which drew more than our share of smiles from passersby.

God, I am so thankful to still have him here by my side…..It’s funny how our “wish lists” get shorter as we grow older, because what we want is basically more of what we already have: more precious moments with those we love, more laughter, more family, more friends. And yesterday, all those wishes were fulfilled.

Friends and relatives blew up my Facebook page with birthday posts. Several of my frequently-visited websites also sent me greetings along with individual members, some of whom I didn’t even know were following my posts. I was also recognized in church and made Father laugh when I told him I was 39 again—just practicing until I got it right. Then it was off to spend a fun-filled afternoon and evening with my son and daughter and their respective spouses and kids, who threw me a birthday party fit for a queen.

The house was filled with people, and there was food and drink and gifts—one from a lovely woman I’d never even met. (Uh-oh, you can tell that I’m getting old by the use of the word ‘lovely’, but it’s the only fitting description I could come up with.) She and her husband are friends of my son and son-in-law, and they’re going to invite us for dinner at their house soon because they liked us immediately. How cool is that—I got a present and new friends too, all in the same day!

Then they all sang the Happy Birthday song, which made me blush a little because I haven’t had this big a deal made of my birthday since my 40th. Dinner was wonderful, and we had cheesecake (my favorite) for dessert. I even got to watch my football game on their 50-inch flat screen TV. In other words…..I got spoiled rotten.

Today there’s an afterglow, and the memories of this birthday will make me smile for the rest of my life. You see, material things are good and useful, but it’s the intangibles that make life worth living. Like holding hands with my husband as we stroll through a busy shopping mall. Like seeing the love flow between my children and their spouses, and knowing that they are happy. Like hearing 17 people sing the birthday song and feeling the energy in the room wrap me in its warm embrace.

I am truly and wonderfully blessed. And if the price I pay for it is silver in my hair and aching joints, so be it……I’ll take being 55 any day. :-)


This is not cute..

What the crap is this?!

This is what I found at my local mall, in a retail store.

How rude! Is it cool to wear something that brings so much pain and death??

Next, they will be making hoodies that says ‘RAPED’

…too far!!??


Better Luck Tomorrow

Mondays are intimidating and frustrating, but maybe this will bring some cheer 🙂  

23 Ways to Instantly Make Your Day Better

Bipolar Disorder And Maintaining a Routine

“Regular sleep and consistent daily routines can help ease the symptoms of bipolar disorder.” I gathered this gem of information from “Monitor of Psychology,” a publication of the American Psychological

The post Bipolar Disorder And Maintaining a Routine appeared first on Depression and Bipolar Disorder:.

YOUR RIGHT! MEDS SUCK!!

After listening to your comments on the last post I’ve made…and feeling how I am feeling..

Meds sucks.

I feel super hype at night before bed. My heart is pounding, my mouth is dry and I’m always so thirsty! I feel uncontrollable happy, and my head is ringing with a slight headache ever night. The worst is the energy that I can’t seem to burn off.

The good side is I’ve really stopped smoking. I don’t have a craving for anything, and I THINK I have lost weight. I’m not eating as much anymore.

UGH! I want to stop taking it, but my doctor told me this medicine is one that you can not just stop taking, you have to slowly come down off of it.

Today though, you can be proud of me, well I’m PROUD OF MYSELF. I was feeling really depressed/angry today, and my husband was trying to cheer me up, but I was just snapping on him and being a bitch. I felt really down about a few other things and it built up. Well, he left the house to leave me alone, and I called him just before he left the parking space because I REFUSE TO SIT IN THE HOUSE BY MYSELF, AND BE DEPRESSED OR SAD ANYMORE! I REFUSE! I will not give up on myself, and give into my shitty feeling mode. So, I left the house, got into the car, and went out with him. I kind of a had a semi-breakdown in the car, but never mind that I GOT OUT and changed the way I was feeling. I had a really good night after all, and now know that it might not be ME that makes me feel depressed, but its ME that stays depressed…

Please, if your feeling depressed or sad, GET OUT, move around, go outside, and join life. You will see that even though you hate it, its better than sitting alone…dying.

Lesson learned. Now, if I can only do something quicker about these meds….


A question for Monday


Filed under: Wellness Warriors Tagged: anxiety, bipolar, depression, lithium, medication, Mental Health, mental illness