Monthly Archives: December 2013

Nails on a chalkboard

My kid has been super fussy and argumentative and defiant today. The moment my mood crashed low, she amped it up considerably. She has a gift for doing that.

Now after the 500th tantrum, her voice has become like nails on a chalkboard.

She’s being wretched but I know it’s mostly me. I am nervous and irritable and I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I am smothering. It’s not logical but it is all encompassing. And it’s making me angry rather than adding to the depression.

Once again I had the dishonor of reading a shiny happy people post about about only YOU can control how YOU feel. WHAT THE FUCK? I want to feel normal. I don’t want any of this shit. And I am such a rabid control freak, it’s sure as hell not due to lack of willpower and effort to reel it all in. Nothing like trying to be normal and read someone’s post, which has nothing to do with you personally, and walk away feeling like the world’s biggest loser because you can’t manage something so simple. Taking control of your emotions is easy right?

Not when your brain sends all the wrong messages. All the therapy I’ve had has never managed to teach me to control the bad chemicals because, oh yeah, it’s not possible. Yet because it applies to the masses who don’t have dysfunctional brain chemicals, I end up putting pressure on myself to be what I’m not, bullying myself, and it just makes it all worse.

“You’re just making excuses.”

I hear that in my head. My dad, my mom, my so called friends. The supportive bunch that they are, brimming with empathy and a sympathetic ear.

I am circling the drain. Being reactive and emotional, no doubt. But the mind frame was ripe for it.

I am going through the motions. Appearing functional. Forcing smiles and laughs.

But my mind is a mine field of detonating thoughts and emotions and moods and it feels like living hell.

The nails on the chalkboard are starting up again. It’s too bad I quit drinking. It was always so helpful with the anxiety. Now…only sleep quells it.


My mind, the traitor

The roller coaster ride continues. Yesterday I was less low and super functional, at least toward house work. By mid afternoon, spontaneous panic attacks set in. No trigger. Mood went lower. Motivation vanished. Paranoia commenced. Anxiety ran rampant.

I’d had an okay day. Not great but I at least felt like I was accomplishing something and no longer wished for death. (It was almost 60 degrees out yesterday and I keep thinking if that’s what sparked the functional spurt, maybe it’s nothing to do with lack of sunlight, maybe a lack of warmth feeds my seasonal depression.)

To go from that functional to the gutter, hyperventilating every ten minutes for no good reason…It’s galling. It’s offensive. It’s angering.

My own mind, and its fucked up chemicals, is a traitor. It gives me brief glimpse of normalcy, lulls me into a false sense of security, then it changes the damned game on me when I least expect it. Words cannot convey how much I hate it.

I want a new brain.

 


The Paramour

Image

credit:inyourshoes19.tumblr.com

we would have been a kind of magic, you and I…

Filed under: Self Discovery Tagged: addiction, bipolar, heartbreak, love, music, sad

Bipolarly 2013-12-28 18:45:00

“You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.” 
-Ayn Rand

Name the Blog Contest Changes

I’ve made a small change to the rules in the Name The Blog Contest.  For those who don’t know, I am renaming my blog from “How Is Bradley” to something else.  Here are the rules: The name of the blog must contain the word “bipolar”.  I’d prefer if the name had both “bipolar” and “depression” … Continue reading »

The Countdown Begins…..

…..as bpnurse prepares to tackle her new job without the baggage she has dragged with her through two unsuccessful attempts at remaining gainfully employed.

Actually, I can’t say I was a failure at the position I’m about to leave, but I was being phased out and I knew it. I spent an awful lot of time being sick in October and November, and it couldn’t have been mere coincidence that my December schedule was severely abbreviated. Since I really don’t want to know if it was or not, I never asked why and don’t intend to. I love the place and the people who work there, and I don’t want to remember any of it in a negative light.

So it’s on to bigger and (I hope) better things, and my intention is to NOT take my diagnosis with me into my new workplace. If it wants my attention, it’s damn well gonna have to wait around for me—ain’t nobody got time for this shit now. I’m not denying its existence, but it’s going to have to stay in its little corner and behave itself because it’s not going to be on display for all the world to see, no matter how much it thinks it deserves the limelight.

I am serious. I’ve changed my ID on Facebook, and other than my blog, I’ve largely stopped discussing my illness in public forums because it’s not something I wish to share with my future supervisors and co-workers. I do hope I don’t have to produce a list of medications (as many workplaces require employees to supply nowadays) because there is no way that someone could look at my current med list and NOT know that I’m being treated for bipolar disorder.

I also have this issue of monthly appointments with Dr. Awesomesauce which I’ll have to explain somehow, as most healthy 55-year-olds don’t have conditions that require seeing a medical provider so often. But I’ll cross both of those bridges when I come to them…..there’s no use in borrowing trouble. I’ve got people to impress and many, many new things to learn!

I’ve got to admit, the intrigue is actually kind of fun, if a bit melodramatic: will I really be able to keep my BP a secret? What’s more, will I be able to work sick? Because I will get sick again—it’s as inevitable as death and taxes. Even though I’m well now and am doing the things necessary to stay that way, I cycle much too rapidly and have had too many episodes not to know that another could happen at any time. This is why I very nearly turned down the job offer…..I simply cannot guarantee that I’ll be stable for the long term.

But then, neither can I guarantee that Will won’t have any more trouble with his cancer. Or that another family member won’t have some disaster that I need to deal with. Or that I won’t hit a patch of black ice and skid into oncoming traffic on the interstate. Nothing in life is guaranteed, and I’m sick to death of not taking risks because something MIGHT go wrong. What if I were to become not only good, but great at this job—wouldn’t it be awful if I’d never even attempted it just because I was too afraid?

Someone once said that if you find yourself standing at the edge of a cliff and put your fate in God’s hands, He’ll either give you a place to land or teach you how to fly. Here’s to that next new leap into life!


I Apparently Missed My Blog’s Birthday

I was just checking out the settings function on WordPress. There was a category for “trophies”. Now, I know I have had people nominate me for blog awards, but trophies? So, I checked it out. My blog turned a year old on Halloween, 2013. That seems rather fitting somehow. Scary, but fitting. My blog is […]

2013 ~ A Year In Retrospect

Opening a blog post is akin to writing that all-important thesis statement for your next “brilliant” essay. As I look back on 2013, I realize this has been a rough year for me and the people who care about me and that I care about. I have had to come to terms with the fact […]

Pointless

Survived the hellidays. The price of half ass functionality and survival has been three days in the mood gutter. Low. Down. Sad. Slightly paranoid. Lazy. Irritable.

Suckage.

I’m in a dark place. Not the dark where you want to die. Dark where you’re miserable because the depression is so bad, you don’t see the point in life. It’s all pointless. It all sucks. No one and nothing is a comfort. There’s no hope, no ray of light, no point.

Pointless.

What more is there to say from this mindspace?


Sleeping for Clarity

How sleep seems to reprogram my brain, organize my thoughts, and bring with it it’s sweet gift of clarity…