Monthly Archives: December 2013

The roller coaster ride continues. Yesterday I was less low and super functional, at least toward house work. By mid afternoon, spontaneous panic attacks set in. No trigger. Mood went lower. Motivation vanished. Paranoia commenced. Anxiety ran rampant.

I’d had an okay day. Not great but I at least felt like I was accomplishing something and no longer wished for death. (It was almost 60 degrees out yesterday and I keep thinking if that’s what sparked the functional spurt, maybe it’s nothing to do with lack of sunlight, maybe a lack of warmth feeds my seasonal depression.)

To go from that functional to the gutter, hyperventilating every ten minutes for no good reason…It’s galling. It’s offensive. It’s angering.

My own mind, and its fucked up chemicals, is a traitor. It gives me brief glimpse of normalcy, lulls me into a false sense of security, then it changes the damned game on me when I least expect it. Words cannot convey how much I hate it.

I want a new brain.

…..as bpnurse prepares to tackle her new job without the baggage she has dragged with her through two unsuccessful attempts at remaining gainfully employed.

Actually, I can’t say I was a failure at the position I’m about to leave, but I was being phased out and I knew it. I spent an awful lot of time being sick in October and November, and it couldn’t have been mere coincidence that my December schedule was severely abbreviated. Since I really don’t want to know if it was or not, I never asked why and don’t intend to. I love the place and the people who work there, and I don’t want to remember any of it in a negative light.

So it’s on to bigger and (I hope) better things, and my intention is to NOT take my diagnosis with me into my new workplace. If it wants my attention, it’s damn well gonna have to wait around for me—ain’t nobody got time for this shit now. I’m not denying its existence, but it’s going to have to stay in its little corner and behave itself because it’s not going to be on display for all the world to see, no matter how much it thinks it deserves the limelight.

I am serious. I’ve changed my ID on Facebook, and other than my blog, I’ve largely stopped discussing my illness in public forums because it’s not something I wish to share with my future supervisors and co-workers. I do hope I don’t have to produce a list of medications (as many workplaces require employees to supply nowadays) because there is no way that someone could look at my current med list and NOT know that I’m being treated for bipolar disorder.

I also have this issue of monthly appointments with Dr. Awesomesauce which I’ll have to explain somehow, as most healthy 55-year-olds don’t have conditions that require seeing a medical provider so often. But I’ll cross both of those bridges when I come to them…..there’s no use in borrowing trouble. I’ve got people to impress and many, many new things to learn!

I’ve got to admit, the intrigue is actually kind of fun, if a bit melodramatic: will I really be able to keep my BP a secret? What’s more, will I be able to work sick? Because I will get sick again—it’s as inevitable as death and taxes. Even though I’m well now and am doing the things necessary to stay that way, I cycle much too rapidly and have had too many episodes not to know that another could happen at any time. This is why I very nearly turned down the job offer…..I simply cannot guarantee that I’ll be stable for the long term.

But then, neither can I guarantee that Will won’t have any more trouble with his cancer. Or that another family member won’t have some disaster that I need to deal with. Or that I won’t hit a patch of black ice and skid into oncoming traffic on the interstate. Nothing in life is guaranteed, and I’m sick to death of not taking risks because something MIGHT go wrong. What if I were to become not only good, but great at this job—wouldn’t it be awful if I’d never even attempted it just because I was too afraid?

Someone once said that if you find yourself standing at the edge of a cliff and put your fate in God’s hands, He’ll either give you a place to land or teach you how to fly. Here’s to that next new leap into life!

I was just checking out the settings function on WordPress. There was a category for “trophies”. Now, I know I have had people nominate me for blog awards, but trophies? So, I checked it out. My blog turned a year old on Halloween, 2013. That seems rather fitting somehow. Scary, but fitting. My blog is […]

Opening a blog post is akin to writing that all-important thesis statement for your next “brilliant” essay. As I look back on 2013, I realize this has been a rough year for me and the people who care about me and that I care about. I have had to come to terms with the fact […]

Survived the hellidays. The price of half ass functionality and survival has been three days in the mood gutter. Low. Down. Sad. Slightly paranoid. Lazy. Irritable.

Suckage.

I’m in a dark place. Not the dark where you want to die. Dark where you’re miserable because the depression is so bad, you don’t see the point in life. It’s all pointless. It all sucks. No one and nothing is a comfort. There’s no hope, no ray of light, no point.

Pointless.

What more is there to say from this mindspace?