One of the worst things about the holiday season is being bombarded by all the “give me, give me, give me” in the world. All day long I read or hear people complaining about not having enough, about how “poor” they are, and yet most of them have significantly more than I do. But I’m not the one complaining about it, so that makes me feel pretty rich inside.
But secretly, yes, I am depressed about not having much financially speaking. I don’t like not knowing if we will be able to buy our kids anything for Christmas, and I don’t like feeling too prideful to ask for help (after all, there are many families that need it more than we do). I don’t like not being able to work; I feel like all the financial hardship is my fault. While I am thankful that my daughters will have a good Christmas spread under the tree via their dad and stepmom, I am ashamed that I can’t do the same for them. I am thankful that my son is still too young to really care, but I worry whether our finances will improve before he gets older. I sure hope so. Not just for silly things like Christmas presents, but for everything. I’d like for us to have a home of our own and enough food to eat. But yeah, gifts would be nice too.
I miss my Daddy. I miss my Nana. They were always the ones who made Christmas the most special. Now my mom and I don’t even bother to put up a tree. It’s just too painful.
I miss the magic of Christmas that my childhood was filled with. I miss the days when Christians enjoyed the “true meaning” of Christmas without spending so much time worrying about some phantom war on “their” holiday. I’m not really sure why spending a month (or longer) running up credit cards and getting irritable with store clerks is acceptable Christ-like behavior, but saying “Happy Holidays” is such a downright travesty.
I don’t mean to come across as a Scrooge or Grinch or any other “anti-Christmas” character, but I am finding it harder than ever to fight the cynicism this year. And truly, I just needed to get all of this off my chest. I’ve been holding in the resentment and worry and grief for fear that people would just think I’m being a whiny little bitch. But sometimes it’s okay to vent. It clears up some space in the head so that more positive thoughts can flow through. I know things could be much worse for us; I guess I just get annoyed when I see others take for granted things that a lot of less fortunate ones would be grateful for. That’s why I try to keep quiet about how I’m feeling this month. I don’t want to be one of those ungrateful people. But sometimes, I guess it’s okay to admit that life is not exactly a bowl full of cherries all the time.