Daily Archives: December 8, 2013

How desperate can a drug addict be?


What do you do when your only son is on the end of the phone and begging you for money? What do you say when he tells you he'd rather be dead than have to face up to the mess he's got himself into? What do you do when you know that if you give him money he'll probably use it to buy heroin? Everyone tells me the same. Don't give him money. If I do I'm just enabling his addiction. It's not that easy when someone you love is crying and begging for help. He promised me that he'd hand himself in to the police but needed money to buy Subutex (a prescription drug used to treat opiate dependency) because he felt so ill and couldn't face doing it without. 
What do you do when he sends you a text like this? ...... 
 "I'm your son. If I had a son or daughter I'd do anything for them, drug addict or not. Why? Because I know what it's like. I'm not stupid, I know right from wrong. I know you think you're prolonging me from sorting myself out by giving me money and you're right but I'm ready to do it now. Everything bad that's happened in my life is my own fault because of drugs. Don't ever blame yourself. I just want your help one last time. I need £40. Love you x" 
I gave him the money. I don't know if I was right or wrong. I just pray that tomorrow he'll do what he said and hand himself in. 
Of course he didn't hand himself in. I'm such an idiot. It just goes on and on. I should cut all ties and let him get on with it. I can't do it. When you have a child, that child becomes your world. As a mother you would do anything to protect them. It doesn't stop when they become an adult. It's a life long commitment. The problem is I haven't really been helping him. The thousands of pounds he's had from me over the years hasn't helped him at all. I've just been enabling him to feed his addiction. I hate myself for that. I do feel guilty because I am guilty. 



I have HAD It With Stalkers!

I’ve HAD it.  HAD IT with lurkers from my past who read my blogs and either comment, knowing I will delete them (but I’ve fixed that now), or don’t comment and then private email me because they’ve figured out they’ve been blocked.  Or try to Facebook me, which results in my blocking them there too.  Don’t they GET it?  I don’t WANT certain people from my private life, whom I have already banned from my private life, stalking my blog.  I mean, didn’t I JUST write a post about that very thing???  You people from my private life (NOT my Bloggie Friends), get out of my blog and leave me alone.

One of the truly wonderfully comforting things about our welcoming and supportive community of bloggers here in this corner of the Blogosphere is that we choose each other, because we are people we want to share with.  We share deeply, honestly, openly.  It’s a world of trust that I don’t have “in real life,” so I really treasure it here.  We are “family of choice.”

I’ve considered doing a blogroll, but there are so many of you whose blogs I love that it would take much more sidebar space than is allotted to get you all in.  And that’s not even including those of you whom I read and don’t comment, usually late at night when my brain isn’t so functional anyway.  There, you see, I am a lurker too, I admit it ;-)

What I’m trying to say here is that our ever-growing Bloggie Community, and especially our Mental Health bloggers, are my trusted family.  And I don’t want to have it in the back of my mind that some creepy person that I used to date, or some other people with whom I’ve gone No Contact, are reading my words–because in this blog, I don’t hold back.  It’s straight from the gut.  Yes, sometimes I write anecdotes or amusing stories for comic relief, but then I often follow those up with exactly what’s going down for me now.

And I really love and appreciate all of you amazing friends who support me with your wonderful comments.  It’s such a comfort to know that you are there, each and every one of you.  I wish we could have a party.  Hey, wouldn’t that be fun?  A bunch of us could all get on at the same time and hop from one person’s blog to another….I’m sure that’s not an original idea but it sounds good to me right now!

I’m slowly recovering from Thursday night’s attack of mania or whatever it was.  One of my shrink-o-matics thinks that I have nocturnal seizures.  I think I agree with him, at least this time, because after making some food for myself Friday afternoon, I fell into bed at 7 pm and slept until 12:30 Saturday afternoon.  And woke up with a headache that has lasted till now, Saturday evening.  I even put my carbon monoxide monitors into service, just in case, and they said zero so it’s not that.

Even now, I don’t feel like the sharpest knife in the drawer.  It might take a while to recover from that one.

So I think I’m going to wind up this day with our usual 5 minutes of obedience training (my dog Noga and I) followed by her Tooth Cleaning Treat, my Tooth Cleaning Ritual, a dose of Cod-Acamol, which is a wonderful Israeli concoction of 10 mg codeine and 500 mg acetominophen, just enough codeine to get a run-of-the-mill headache gone, and a large dose of Bedtime.

‘Night, y’all, and thanks for listening.