Daily Archives: November 12, 2013

Insomnia Will Make You Insane

I swear that insomnia is going to make me nuts. This is like day number three where I am probably …

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A Confession (trigger warning)

This was supposed to be a light hearted post about my continued culinary efforts. Of successful family dinners and blossoming flirtations. Instead, it’s a post in which I confess to falling off the self harm wagon.

I cut myself four days ago. Six small slashes in the same spot as I always cut. If you asked me what set me off, I don’t have one specific answer. It seems to be a mixture of lots of things making me feel overwhelmed. It’s my migraines, my finances, my relationships. It’s stress at work and not sleeping well. It’s not taking proper care of myself and mean girls. It’s memories of my ex fiancee being flung at me from seemingly every direction. I’ve contacted my psychiatrist and for now, we aren’t overly concerned. As soon as I cut, I was disgusted with myself and have had no urges since then. But one thing I try to be on my blog is real. If I’m failing, you know about it. I’m hoping my blogosphere friends have some prayers and good wishes for me. I know I’ll get through this difficult time, but every relapse into depression and self harm leaves me feeling a little… less. Like there isn’t as much strength within me as I thought.

To anyone who may be in the same boat as myself: we will survive this. We’ve got to batten down the hatches and ride out the storm for a while, but we will get to smooth seas once again.

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Filed under: Self Discovery Tagged: bipolar, depression, sadness, self harm

The Sound of Settling

Settling sounds like stacks of lab reports, an Erlenmeyer flask, and a five milliliter sample of hydrochloric acid. 
Prior to my senior year, I had expressed minimal interest in science. I was an “English person.” In Honors Chemistry junior year, I always ignored my teacher’s announcements about science scholarships, internships, and summer camps. I earned an A in the class, but I was never passionate about what I was learning.
As I began the college search, I decided that I could not be an English major. I needed something with a little more STEM, a few more job offers after graduation, and the potential for a higher salary. I remembered my somewhat enjoyable experience with chemistry (and the joys of stoichiometry), and I marketed myself appropriately. I was admitted to Towson as a Chemistry major with a concentration in Secondary Education. 
Settling sounds like denying the prickles of discomfort that will eventually worsen into an aching pain.
I started college in the fall, and I began expressing doubts about my choice shortly thereafter. My green eyes stung with jealousy as I watched my classmates pursue majors they truly loved. My nights frequently ended in tears as I wrestled with calculus and standard enthalpy of formation.

I tried to rationalize my decision for studying chemistry. I need a guaranteed job so that I can have good health insurance to pay for my medications and therapy. Writing is just a hobby. I’ll be much more successful as a chemistry teacher than as a writer.

Settling sounds like fear.
What I failed to take into account was my skill, my dedication, and my willingness to work hard and make connections. The potential to be hired and successful lies within me, not a chemistry textbook. I am a strong writer, and I will only get stronger as I educate myself and practice.
This weekend, I officially changed my major to English with a concentration in Writing, and I added a minor in Psychology. I have already found relief in my decision. I am not settling. I am striving.

Starting this Wednesday, I will be discontinuing the Uplifting Links posts on the blog. I will, however, be sending out a weekly email newsletter of links for your enjoyment. If you’re interested in receiving some joy in your inbox every Wednesday, email me at [email protected] with the subject “SUBSCRIBE”