Loneliness has been bugging me lately. It’s a strange thing. I believe, in most peoples head, the word “loneliness” conjures up a picture of a person sitting alone in a room feeling sad. That’s fair. But, someone wiser than me once said, “There’s nowhere more lonely than a crowded room.” I can’t remember who said that, but it is exactly how I feel at times.
Parties are lonely for me. It doesn’t matter what is going on. I’ll be talking, laughing and having a good time except for the bubble around me that makes me feel isolated and alone. It’s like being an observer, standing just outside the crowd watching what’s going on, but not being a participant.
When Maurice and I met for the first time, we laid on the beach and talked for five hours and we haven’t stopped talking since. He’s my husband, but he’s also my best friend. Yet, there are times, such as last night, when we’re together, but I feel all alone.
Sometimes, I can look back and see how ridiculous I’ve been. In high school I felt very alone. Nobody liked me even though I had a group of great friends that I hung out with. I ran for Senior Class President against a couple of kids who were popular…part of the “in crowd.” Well, who thought that no one liked him, yet won the election. Yep, it was me. I still felt all alone.
I’m convinced that it’s my depressive side that puts me there. That’s my best hypothesis. I hope someday these feelings will go away. They make me very sad and alone. I hope someday the bubble will burst and I will no longer make me feel isolated. It’s very tiring and I hope it changes soon.
On a more positive note, I lost weight last week and am very excited. I only lost 0.8 of a pound, but the tide is turning. Now that I’m not in school, I can focus more on my health. It’s a small step, but the first step for getting back on track. I’ve sworn to myself that the loss will continue.