Daily Archives: November 6, 2013

Depression Inside

Sitting here looking at the computer sticker that says “intel inside” and it’s like…ooh i am depression inside.

Depressed again today. But then, that is the nature of the disorder. I guess I naively hope each day it will be different or there will be some respite thanks to the bipolar…It’s not happening today.

My soul is blackened.

I am functioning but without much joy or will. It’s auto pilot at its finest. No hope is on the horizon. I feel inept, worthless, pointless.

I try so damned hard and it doesn’t matter.

The people around me are starting to take it personally. I mean never mind I spent a month not going to sleep before midnight. No, last night I just bottomed out and took a trazadone and zonked before 9pm…so someone calls both numbers and texts toward ten and I am accused of ignoring them when in fact i was asleep.

It’s like I can’t even fucking sleep on my own time. Which only adds to my feeling smothered, which brings on the panic.

At this point I am prepared to swallow pride and ego and admit..I am mentally ill and I am not doing so well.

But who do I have to listen? The counselor wanted me to call her for a reschedule so I did and left a message…she had the office call to schedule me a week away even though I stressed how not well i am…

I have no one.

And I hate all this drama, I just need to be left alone to let it run its course. If anyone would listen the biggest help I could get would be a break from my kid, I am exhausted. I need a night to wallow in my depression. Let me recharge. Oh and money donations would take care of a lot of problems.

But unless someone can make me not bipolar, then it is what it is. Every fucking fall and winter for 20 years. Why people aren’t smart enough to figure this out is beyond me.

I sound sad. I sound pathetic.

I am sad and pathetic. This too shall pass,

Or I will drink bleach.

Whatever.

Viva le apathy. If only the lithium could numb the panic and paranoia so well.

 


What I Have Learned from Playing Candy Crush


I am having serious withdrawals from Candy Crush Saga. I want it.  I NEED IT! But, I am determined to keep it blocked.  At least for now.  I have to do this from time to time, when I realize I am getting too obsessive about the stupid game.  Sometimes it just stays blocked a day or two.  Sometimes it’s longer.  I think two months is the longest block I’ve ever managed.  I just know when I start seeing pieces of candy in my dreams and can’t stop thinking about it throughout the day, it’s time to take a break.  

Incidentally, I have also chosen to work on the elimination of sodas from my diet.  And when I say “chosen” I really mean we are broke and it’s an expense I need to learn to do without.  But even if we weren’t having trouble putting food on the table, I know the sodas are unhealthy.  They certainly aren’t helping me lose these ever-accumulating pounds, nor are they good for my teeth.  And the caffeine doesn’t even do that much for me anymore.  So.  No more purchases of soda.  It’s settled, whether I like it or not.  

Oh, and another change:  I officially discontinued my Bipolarly Facebook page.  It’s not that I don’t care about people anymore.  But I just can’t keep doing this to myself.  The distractions from my family and home have to go.  I will continue blogging, but even that is going to be more for my own benefit than anyone else’s.  That may sound selfish, but hear me out on it.  I am a homemaker.  That’s my “job”.  Sure, I occasionally proofread or sell an article or story, but my main function in this family is taking care of everyone and providing a sanitary living space with adequately prepared meals.  That doesn’t necessarily mean I have to put all my writing dreams on hold or that I can’t pursue other interests, like mental health advocacy.  But, like Candy Crush, my Facebook page had become something I obsessed over.  When I wasn’t working on its content or answering comments and private messages, I was still thinking about it – nonstop.  I would check it every few minutes to see how many “likes” something got or if anyone had commented, and then I would over-analyze what their comments meant, whether they were being funny or rude.  And then I would try to figure out how to respond to them, depending on how I interpreted their intent.  And then when I received negative messages I would get upset and hate myself because someone misinterpreted my good intentions for something offensive.  It was maddening!  During my own mental battles, I was caving under the pressure of trying to help others and seemingly failing so, so badly.  I was blessed to have Pepper Vintage help me out as a guest administrator so I could take a much needed break, and during that reprieve I realized just how much of a toll something as simple as a Facebook page was having on me.  As I began to ease my way back into working with the page, I felt the shift in my attitude about it.  It just wasn’t something I wanted to do anymore.  It’s not because I have suddenly stopped caring about trying to offer encouragement and inspiration to others. It’s just that it’s not worth losing my own health over.  I thought about keeping the page published and simply not posting anything else, but I have tried that before and it didn’t work out.  I always continued to check it for likes and comments whether there were any new ones or not.  I was still carrying the burden of it.  So last night, I let go of that burden, and I don’t intend on picking it back up.  At least not any time soon.  

Sometimes you have to let go of some things so that you can really grasp what is important.  I feel good about the new changes I have made.  I feel mentally sound and healthy.  I am ready to focus on my priorities, as a homemaker and mother, and on maintaining a healthy mental status.  My youngest child is two years old, and this precious (albeit stressful) era will pass swiftly.  I want to be fully present for it.  Not caught up in a silly game or obsessing over whether people like me or not.  

Innocent

Innocent Wild as the wind on a winter’s day Sweet as the flowers blooming in May Looking at life through eyes filled with wonder. Child, she was grown Innocent woman […]

Stop Finishing My Sentences

Have you ever typed something into Google, only to have the auto-complete feature fill in the blank by finishing your sentence with absurdities?  Check this out.

google 1 google 2 google 3

Ouch.

I feel so attacked, so betrayed.

Each sentence shows a “reflection of the search activity of all web users” says Google’s Help page.  And just so you know, this is not an attack on Google whatsoever.  Google’s just stuck in the middle.

What I’m saying is each sentence reflects a majority of people who hold that belief.  Yikes.

So basically, Google’s auto-complete algorithm bases these sentence completions off of popular searches, so with that in mind…what the hell, people?

I’m pretty hurt (well, except for the “bipolar people are smarter” one).  I’m apparently taking this personally.  Bipolar people are not categorically mean or selfish… and annoying?

To the masses of people who think things like this…

Do those whiny-assed Cancer patients annoy you as well?  My God, people with diabetes shouldn’t be allowed to have children.  Oh! You’re physically sick with something you have absolutely no control over?  A new kidney you say? You’re isolated from the community.  Done.  If I don’t understand your illness, YOU’RE OUT!

supportjarsstigma

Does anyone else see how absurd this all is?  Stupid.

And to be clear, and to NOT be taken out of context…I don’t think that way about Cancer and Diabetes.  OBVIOUSLY.  Bipolar isn’t my fault, no more than Cancer is the fault of a person struggling to survive that.  I’m not comparing the two in the sense of competing for which is worse (because that’s irrelevant).  What I’m saying is this.  It doesn’t make me less of a person. For people to be blamed for something they can’t control is ludicrous.

I feel like this type of thing is a huge step backwards in fighting stigma, and a huge step backwards in the acceptance and understanding of mental illness.  However, being the kind of person that I am…the knowledge of this just makes me want to fight stigma harder!  Join me, won’t you?!

Not Surprised,

Still Offended,

Mrs Bipolarity

Wednesday’s Quote: Jane Pauley

I think I’ve posted this before, however, I think it applies to so many of us bloggers that it bears repeating:

A diagnosis is burden enough without being burdened by secrecy and shame.
– Jane Pauley

Psychiatrists know best?

So I decided to come home. A huge part was the fact that I missed my best friend. Talking to her made me realise how important friends are and how ridiculous it is for me to think I can do it all alone. I don't really feel any better for trying to run away but I suppose I have more of a plan of what I need to do to try and get my life back on track. I wrote a list of everything I think I need to do. There's nothing new on there. It's all stuff I've been talking about doing for months anyway. It's all stuff that should be routine. Eat properly, sleep in my bed, exercise, sort out my finances, the list goes on. It's easy to write a list. Not so easy to actually do any of it. Definitely not so easy while my mood is all over the place.
My first priority was to see or contact everyone who means anything to me. I visited my parents . They were blissfully unaware of my meltdown. When I arrived I was shocked to see my son. He was out in their garden cutting all the bushes. He seemed ok. He's been staying with a girlfriend . He showed me a bit of paper from the police station saying he'd had a drugs test and he was opiate free. I didn't ask why he was being drugs tested, I was just relieved at the result. He insists that he hasn't used heroin and I think I believe him.
I've seen my two sisters and my two closest friends.
I've seen most of my "other" family (my best friends family) and I messaged a couple of other friends. So that's everyone taken care of. I don't think I've upset anyone beyond repair. Now I need to sort myself out.
Last night I slept for 12hours solid. I still feel tired.
I'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow . It feels like tomorrow is D-Day for me. I have to try and make him see that I'm not right. I can't carry on the way I am. I need him to do something.

Well, that was a waste of time. I saw my psychiatrist. As soon as I arrived I knew it would be a disaster. My care-coordinator couldn't make it and the first thing he said to me was that we needed to get started quickly because he had a lot of people to see....great. He asked me a million and one questions. The usual stuff...... Was I spending lots of money? Did I ever feel superior to other people? Did I get road rage? How many hours do I sleep? Am I taking my medication? Do I ever feel like harming myself?  blah,blah,blah. He told me he wanted to leave my Lithium as it was and up my Quetiapine dose. He then told me that I needed to make sure I occupy my mind! That was it. No explanation as to why he wanted to up my medication, no explanation as to why he thinks I've been feeling and acting the way I have, nothing. I didn't even get the chance to ask him any questions but I made damn sure I called him an idiot as I walked out the door! Probably very rude but made me feel slightly better. I find it hard to put my trust in someone that I actually can't stand. I guess I either have to stuff a few more tablets down and hope for the best or stay as I am and I really don't think I can do that. I don't really know what to do. I probably should go and talk to my GP. I do actually trust him.

Two Years of Hell

Is what I’m in the middle of.

For most people, they can’t wait to get out of college and school. They can’t wait to graduate and get into the “real world” and get a job…get out and be done with school. I really don’t want to be out in that “real world”. I hate the real world. It isn’t what I like, or what I’m comfortable with.

I enjoy school. I love learning and being in college. I would love to keep being in that academic environment for the rest of my life. That wouldn’t be possible for quite a long time, but it is my dream.

The problem was my mental health rapidly deteriorated over my last year of university. I was falling apart my senior year. Two dissertations for degrees in one year, the stress of my whole last year of school, and just the whole weight of everything that had to be done in my final year of college was enough to fully stress me out. Add into that my mental health rapidly falling apart, and I was one step from losing it. I needed a break from school, desperately. So I didn’t opt to go directly to grad school for an MA like I had originally planned.

It actually worked out okay. I needed time to figure out which of my interests I wanted to go for first. I had to figure out my game plan towards the end-game for what I see my eventual career path. So some time off was absolutely necessary.

Also, I was burned out. Stress from mental health concerns, my family issues, and just the strain of completing 5.5 years of college in 4 years (2 degrees), inclusive in that was 1 year abroad in an intensive program where I was a fully matriculated student at a German university…it was enough to nearly wipe me out. I needed a break to recharge my batteries per say. I also had to learn exactly what was wrong with me, mentally. I could have completely lost it, if I wasn’t careful to take care of myself.

Now though, I know what I’m going to do, what I want to do for my plan. However, I have monetary problems. My student loans are too extensive for me to plan on going back to university next fall. I’ll have to take another year and plan on going back to school in Fall 2015, not Fall 2014, like I had originally wanted. If I’m lucky, I may be able to start in Spring 2015, but that’s not likely. I need to find a university that has the program I want…and isn’t in the middle of nowhere. I need to be somewhere close to where I’m working, and where I can hopefully work, after I finish my first Masters degree.

So my one year break from college has now become an almost certain 2-year break. Or, my 2 years of hell. I hate not being in an academic setting. I thrive in academics. In the real world I do far worse. Academics I do far better in. I know what to do as a student.

But now, with my mental health more stable…and with a better knowledge of what I’m dealing with, I am more comfortable to go back, once I’ve got a better handle on the colleges I’m looking at. Now all I need to do, with mental health under tighter rein, is look into which college I’m going to attend.

This Post Brought to You By Coffee and Mania

I’m still swirling around hypomania, looking for outlets for the excess energy. I’ve done all the housework I had around the urban farmstead, and I had several crafts started, but not finished. So I made a pot of coffee (Montana Coffee Traders Montana Blend-yumm!) and got to work on two crafts. The first was a painting of sorts. I had a blank burlap canvas that measured 12×12. We all know I love coffee and I have a blank wall in my kitchen that needed a little decoration. So I decided to make a coffee-themed art project.

I found a stencil of a coffee cup and it also featured coffee beans. So, using paint named “Espresso Bean” (appropriate) I got to work. I started with the main picture, then using another stencil I added in some lettering. The lettering is a teensy bit off center from the coffee cup, but I still think it turned out pretty cute and it was quick, too.

Image

I’m excited to hang it in the kitchen (right by the coffee maker!) once it’s dry. The second craft I finished this evening was a repeat performance of this project. I now have a matching set of pillows to give my love seat a new look!  I’m also going to tweak a couple of recipes so they’re gluten free, I hope to share those with you soon.

I’ll end the post with a picture of my adorable, cuddly cat, just because.

IMG_20131105_185611

Filed under: Crafty Tagged: coffee, craft, DIY, Montana Coffee Traders, paint