Daily Archives: November 1, 2013

Time to go home?



I'm just an attention seeking drama queen. Well I suppose that's quite true in a way. I write these blogs for anyone to read. I do try to be honest and I only write things as I see them but still, maybe I do go on a bit. Maybe I'm hoping someone will pay attention and come and rescue me. I don't necessarily mean a knight in shining armour. I just mean someone who can help me make sense of it all. I'm heading towards fifty and instead of being settled and happy with life all I can see is disaster. I know negativity is a symptom of bipolar. I've made myself aware of the huge array of crappy moods that someone with bipolar might have to endure. It doesn't help. Sometimes it makes it worse, knowing there's always something. I doubt I'll ever feel normal.
I am sitting in a hotel room, miles away from home. I have to leave in half an hour and I still haven't decided what to do. Of course if I'd have done this a few weeks ago when I was high as kite it would have probably been a real adventure. I guess I'm just going to get in the car and see what happens.
I didn't drive far. I've got the worst sense of direction. I drive for miles and end up back in the same place! I ended up in a lovely little seaside town. Rows of beach huts and quaint holiday cottages. I walked along the beach then sat on a rock just staring at the sea. For the first time in weeks I actually felt really calm. I sat there for a good couple of hours. In my head I planned all the things I needed to do if I went home.
When I got back to my car I realised I'd had a missed call from my son. As soon as I rang him back I wished I hadn't . He was angry and on the defensive. He didn't have anywhere to stay, he didn't have any money, his supply of methadone had been cut, he wished he was in prison again, he might as well be back on the heroin. I had to tell him there was nothing I could do. He cut me off. Not once did he ask if I was ok. There really is nothing I can do. I just sat and cried.
Once I'd composed myself I decided to start driving again. When I was watching the sea I thought maybe I should start heading home but now I wanted to get even further away. Everything I'd planned was a joke.
I've ended up in another hotel room. I'm tired and feel like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I plucked up the courage to ring my best friend. I didn't really need courage. I knew she wouldn't be cross. She was just pleased to hear from me. I still felt really guilty. We chatted for ages. We both came to the conclusion that I haven't been right for a long time now. I haven't had any length of time where I've been really "stable". My moods have been all over the place and even though I haven't hit any real extremes it's just not right. I can't go on like this. I need help. I need help before I end up doing something stupid. I agreed to go and see my doctor when I get home and she agreed to come with me. Talking to her really helped. I'm very lucky to have such a special friend.
I guess that means that tomorrow I should start heading home.

30 Days of Thankful



I have really enjoyed listing something I am thankful for each day of November the past couple of years, so I am doing it again this year. And this time I am going to add it to my blog! Even if it annoys people 😀 I found this article last night about the benefits of focusing on the good things in our lives. I know it’s hard to find anything good when we are so bogged down with problems and emotional strife. But I really do think there is always something to be grateful for, and I am more aware of this when I make an effort to record it. It’s really something I should do all year long! I tried to talk my fiance into doing it with me this year, but his response was “after I list my family I will just run out of things to write down.” I insisted this was not the case, to just try it, but eh, he still declined.  Well, that’s okay. I will try to be thankful enough for both of us 🙂  And I hope YOU, dear reader, will join me as well!

Day #1:  I am thankful for migraine medication.  

             
Day #2: I am thankful for Emily. She was the sweetest, easiest baby/toddler in the world, and she is growing into a beautiful and thoughtful young woman. She is currently cooking supper for us – fishsticks and cheese fries – because she wanted to help me out. She is wonderful with her brother, and she hasn’t killed her sister yet, so I am a very pleased Mom 🙂

Day #3: I am thankful for days with all three of my children. Today was beautiful so we went to the park where we played badminton, kickball, and watched (at a distance) the evil ducks. Then we came home and watched old movies. It has been perfect  The thing is, we don’t have money to do fancy stuff. I regret not being able to give my children the finer things in life, vacations, etc. But I think they do enjoy the things we make do with. Fun can be frugal  Art projects, trips to the park, movies, games…all of these things are priceless. The best memories I have from childhood didn’t involve a price tag, and I hope my kids will look back on the little things we do together and treasure them like I know I do. I won’t ever take for granted these moments. I have three amazing little people in my life. Two of them I don’t get to see nearly as often as I would like. But when they are here, all of the negative disappears and I am the happiest, most whole person on earth. And I wouldn’t trade those times for gold.

Day #4: I am thankful for getting the laundry room/master closet clean today. Usually Jacen wants to undo everything I put away in there, leading to clothes – dirty and clean – mixing together and hiding the floor. Today, he actually stayed in another room with his dad while I sorted everything out. There are still a few things that need to be done before I can call it a completed project, but a massive improvement has been made!

Day #5: I am thankful for Kayley. It’s hard to believe my oldest child will turn 14 in just a couple of months! She is an amazing girl. Smart, witty, beautiful, you name it. She succeeds at nearly everything she sets her mind to, not by luck, but with hard work and determination. If all adults were half as diligent as she is, what a wonderful world this would be. I pray her future is as bright as she is.

Day #6: I am thankful that snakes hibernate. That means at least part of the year I don’t worry quite as severely about them being EVERYWHERE AT ALL TIMES.

Day #7: I am thankful for Jacen. He has the cutest little smile, and even during his grumpy times (and trust me, there are a lot of those!) he’s still my sweet little boy. My heart melts with every giggle, hug and kiss. I feel so blessed to be his mom, to watch him grow and learn every day. Recently his imagination has really taken flight and it’s very entertaining to watch his mind at work. He’s starting to talk more and I love how he points to everything and either tells me what it is or asks “what dat?” It’s true, the toddler years are a lot of hard work, but they are also magical and endearing. I am thankful for every moment. 

Day #8: I am thankful for my gorgeous cousin. It’s hard to believe she is all grown up and about to get married. I love her like a sister.

Day #9: I am thankful for books. There is something sacred about the written word, the way it captures the thoughts of a writer and displays them in such a way that millions more can also know those thoughts, and more than know them, but feel them as if they were coursing through their own veins from the beginning of eternity. Some books take me to another land, another atmosphere of wonder and enchantment. Some books take me deeper within myself, to the whole parts and the broken, to an emotion I had overlooked in myself until I saw it in print. Some books are witty and help me escape the sorrows of life. Other books help me understand those sorrows, help me to contemplate and forgive. Books are honest, even in their lies. And I love the people who have written, that they would dare to give us such an intimate part of themselves. I know what it’s like to write, to feel that knife at the throat, to do or die. It is both pleasing and agonizing to write. I am thankful for the ones who have the courage to do so.

Day #10: I am thankful for Douglas. He is nothing short of brilliant, in every way, to me. I love him a little more each day, and I feel very special indeed to have him love me so much in return. It feels so good to be completely accepted by someone, to know even my self-proclaimed flaws do not scare him off. He appreciates the best of me, and he calms the worst of me with his ingenuity and understanding. And now a quote from one of our favorite characters on Dr. Who: “You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they’re as dull as a brick? Then there’s other people, when you meet them you think, “Not bad. They’re okay.” And then you get to know them and… and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality’s written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful. [Douglas is] the most beautiful man I’ve ever met.”


Day #11: I am thankful for all the brave men and women who have sacrificed their freedom to fight for ours. They gave up the comforts of home, the company of loved ones, and all the luxuries we take for granted to fight for our country. The brutality of war and all the heartache it entails leaves physical and psychological scars that will never be erased, and it is a tragedy that our veterans are so often shoved to the side and forgotten when they get back home. They deserve our utmost respect and support. For all who have served, and all who continue to serve, thank you. We owe so very, very much to you.

Day #12: I am feeling rather yucky today so I am thankful for a comfy couch, warm blankets, and a snuggly little toddler that makes me smile even when I feel like throwing up. 

Day #13: I am thankful for naps. The great thing about this most recent time change is that it has transformed Jacen back into a nap taker! I will relish this for as long as it lasts.

Day #14: I am thankful for shelter from the weather. I was a bit uncomfortable yesterday; we were finding it difficult to get the house warm. But we had warm clothes, blankets, and space heaters so it was definitely an improvement over being outside in the wind. I am blessed because I am not homeless, and a little discomfort never killed anyone. I am thankful it feels a lot warmer in here today though!

Day #15: I am thankful to be alive. I don’t know for how long (I worry about this constantly), but I figure I still have some work to do here or I would be dead.

Day #16: I am thankful for Douglas getting me a Dr. Pepper today. I know it’s not good for me, but it’s my comfort drink of choice when I am sick.

Day #17: I am thankful for babies. There is nothing as pure and as hopeful as a newborn baby. Today is Preemie Awareness Day and, while I had full term pregnancies with my three, I had a bit of a scare with Emily when she tried to come two months early. Thankfully, with the help of medicine to stop contractions and strict bed rest I was able to carry her full term. She had some breathing problems after birth so she had to stay in the NICU a couple of days, but then she was fine and she never had another problem. I am very blessed, because often mothers face a much scarier ordeal of delivering early and wondering if their very fragile child will survive; tragically, some don’t make it. I can’t even imagine the pain of losing a child after birth and I pray I never know what it feels like. Being a parent is scary. From the moment you learn you’re pregnant to the day you die you will always possess this magnificent need to protect your child. And, no matter how good of a parent you are, there are a million things that can happen beyond your control that can alter or destroy that little life you hold so dear. It’s enough to drive you mad! But, beyond the fear, the heartaches, the stress, there is a whole bunch of happiness. Becoming a mom is the best thing that ever happened to me. Sure, I have some gray hairs and a few loose marbles because of it, but I also have three beautiful treasures that are worth every moment. Thank you, God. Thank you, Universe. For choosing me out of all the people in this world to be the mother of Kayley, Emily, and Jacen. And when I look at them, every time, no matter how old they are, I still see that newborn face, the same one I saw the first time I held them in my arms.

Day #18: I am thankful for homemade fudge. Chocolate = Happiness 

Day #19: I am thankful for random things that make me smile. Like Jacen handing me a book to read him entitled “Princesses are Pretty”. Life gives us a lot of reasons to frown and cry, but there are lots of happy, giggle-worthy moments too. I am thankful I have a sense of humor (no matter how weird and misunderstood) and I can find something good in nearly every situation. And now, I shall go dance like a pretty princess with my son.

Day #20: I am thankful that I am doing the best I can. I fail daily. DAILY! But I have never claimed to be perfect. The only real crime is not to try at all. I have two priorities each day: stay alive and be a good mom. Some days I don’t feel very alive, and a lot of days I don’t feel like Mom of the Year, but my intentions are good and my efforts are greater than anyone knows . If at the end of the day I can honestly say I gave it my all, then I have succeeded. Some days I just want to give up; today is one of them. But I have to believe that I still have a spot to fill in this crazy mixed up world. I may be misunderstood. I may have enemies. I may really suck at everything I attempt in life. But I’m me, and I’m still here. That has to count for something.

Day #21:  I am thankful for my three mothers.  


Sandra raised me as her own and I think I turned out halfway alright 😉  I have fond memories of her reading to me, playing school with me (long before she became a teacher) and rocking me all night when I was sick.  We haven’t always had the smoothest relationship, but I love her and am grateful for all the times she’s been there for me.  


Debra is my birth mother and I am so thankful that I got to meet her when I was nine years old. I love her very much and enjoy the time I get to spend with her.  I see so many similarities in us, both in appearance and personality.


Stacey is the mother of the man I love, but she has always treated me like a daughter and she is a very sweet woman.  I admire her for putting up with her two crazy sons 😛  


Day #22: I am thankful for the memories I have of Daddy. Sometimes I get so scared that I will forget certain things. After all, time has a way of weakening the recollections. But there are some things I think – and I hope – I will never forget. I can still smell his Old Spice aftershave and the interior of his Nissan truck. I remember playing baseball with him in the back yard, seeing who could run and stomp the most mushrooms (my favorite game), and “helping” him cut grass with my toy lawnmower. In my mind I still see him tending to his garden, putting wood in the heater, and picking rocks with me for my collection (and later he did the same with Kayley). I still see him eating beef sticks and summer sausage with Emily. I remember all our talks and laughs over the crazy stuff posted in the Jackson Herald. I can still hear him call me “Mimi”. And of course as I write this, tears are streaming down my face, for all that I recall and all that I have lost. But I am thankful for the sorrow; it means I loved him. It means my life was affected in such a wonderful way by this man that I still miss his influence. I really don’t want to lose that ache. It’s what keeps the memories fresh in my mind at all times. I don’t find that unhealthy for me. I find it to be relevant. Perhaps I don’t grieve for my dad in the same ways that others would. I rarely visit his grave site, because he isn’t there. I sometimes talk to him, but I don’t really believe he can hear me. I feel what I think is his presence at times, but I think that’s for my own comfort. But my pain, my memories: those are real. And I’m happy to have them.

Day #23: I am thankful that it is bedtime. Soooo tired. It’s good to have a comfortable bed to sleep in.

Day #24:  There are days when I have a lot of noise in my head.  That’s the nicest, smallest way I can describe it: noise.  Some of you know what that is like, and if you do, you know how hard it is to find a way around it, to function, or at least pretend to function, and these are the days when I can’t make heads or tails of anything.  So, what does this have to do with being thankful for something?  No, I can’t say I am thankful for “the noise”.  But I am thankful for those moments when it’s gone, or at least on a low volume.  Days when I can really fit in with the world around me and not seem so cut off from reality.  In a mind where I either feel too much or not enough, it’s extraordinary when I can catch the right balance.  I am trying to find that balance today, and I know it’s there, just out of reach at the moment, but it’s there.  And I am thankful that I know this, because it keeps me fighting.  I am thankful for knowing that the worst parts pass, and the best parts can be appreciated on a deeper level because of the worst.  It is not a perfect way to live, but it is my way of living, and I am thankful that I have been strong enough thus far to do so.  

Day #25: I am thankful for crazy mornings with family. As we rush around to cook enough food for breakfast (even though it’s more like lunch time when it all gets ready); as one child says “it still isn’t done??” and another child quips “you should be happy that they love you enough to cook for you so SHUT UP!” and another child runs around like a monkey on crack…I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be.


Day #26: I am thankful for having enough. That goes for food, clothes, everything. It may not be in abundance, and it may not be the nicest, but it is enough. I am thankful for the financial struggles, certainly not because I enjoy them, but because they open my eyes to the fact that not everyone has it easy. Not everyone knows where their next meal is coming from. Not everyone has a good pair of shoes or coat to wear out in the cold. Not everyone has a home, or even a car. A lot of hard workers do without the very basic things we take for granted every day. I don’t think I ever truly realized that in my younger years. I always thought of poverty as something that happened in underdeveloped countries or to people who were too lazy, too drunk, or too drugged out to work. I didn’t know it happened to people who worked over 60 hours a week at a minimum wage job. I didn’t know it happened to veterans who gave everything for our country and got little to nothing in return for it. I didn’t know how many children go without food or warm beds. And it’s not fair, it really isn’t. And just thinking it’s not fair doesn’t change it. Ignoring it doesn’t change it. And thinking you will never have to face that kind of life doesn’t protect you from the possibility of it. Nearly all of us can help someone else in some small way. So please, please do so.


Day #27: I am thankful for a safe trip today. We passed a very bad wreck and it really puts into perspective how quickly your life can change (or end) in the blink of an eye. We had a delicious meal and made it back home in one piece. Remember to be extra careful on those roads tomorrow, and watch out for those who aren’t.


Day #28: I am thankful for a fun evening with family. Jacen provided lots of entertainment with a box, a screen door, plastic lids and whatever else he could get into. I don’t think I will need to eat again for a couple of days.


Day #29: I am thankful for being safe at home all day on Black Friday. I don’t miss the days of working retail, and I certainly don’t need anything bad enough to fight the crowds for it. Black Friday is an Introvert’s worst nightmare. Just give me my peace and quiet 


Day #30: I am thankful that I have way more than 30 days’ worth of things to be thankful for. For me, November is a chance to recenter my thoughts on what is true and helpful to my outlook and self-esteem so that I can carry on more efficiently in the following year.  It is so much easier for us to find something to complain about, something to hate, but that way of thinking will eat us up inside.  It takes a lot of energy and time away from more noble causes, and that robs us of the true value of everything around us.  I don’t want to spend my life yearning for the things I don’t have.  I don’t want to waste my talents because I’m too busy worrying about what I’m not able to do.  And more than anything, I don’t want my kids to think that is an acceptable form of living.  To live without gratitude is to be void of all the most precious reasons we are alive to start with.  That’s a little too dark and pointless for me. So, while “30 Days of Thankful” is ending for this year, I will continue, more privately, to be thankful each day for something I may have otherwise taken for granted.  I will try not to lose hope, no matter how hopeless some days feel.  For every negative thought that comes to mind, I will try to counter it with something more positive.  Not in a ridiculous or fake way, but with the true observations of “yes, this darkness may be present, but so is this light…” 


“You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you.” — Sarah Ban Breathnach


“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” — Albert Einstein 



“Can you see the holiness in those things you take for granted–a paved road or a washing machine? If you concentrate on finding what is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul.” — Rabbi Harold Kushner

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: COMMUNICATION GLITCH!

Hello fellow Bloggies, happy Friday, Dia de los Muertos, and everything like that.

“It has come to my attention…” don’t you hate that phrase?  Me too, but it does apply here.  I noticed that there was an awful lot of spam in my Gmail account this morning, so I looked through it and HORROR OF HORRORS there were several personal emails in there, one or two of which were from YOU, my Bloggie Family.  Unfortunately, being before noon and without my caffeine quotient and (fill in your favorite excuse here), I tried to remove them from the spam folder and now I can’t find them anywhere.  Arrrgh!

So here’s what I’ve decided to do about that:

Even though I’ve asked people to contact me about specific issues at my normal, regular, public email, which is [email protected], I’m asking you to please change that to;

[email protected] so that hopefully your messages won’t get spammed and if they do I’ll be able to salvage them.

Tips for not getting spammed:  well, other than putting “YOU CAN HAVE A GIGANTIC ORGAN BY CHRISTMAS” in your subject line, I’ve noticed that messages with sender email addresses that consist of random numbers and/or letters like [email protected] just go straight into the bin, because the server thinks they’re generated by ‘bots.  So I know this is sounding like some annoying “how to not end up in the spam bin” lecture, but you know what?  I really, really want to get your emails, because I know that if you are emailing me it’s about something very important and I don’t want to miss it, and I don’t want you to think I’m ignoring you.

All that said, can anyone please tell me how to embed a “click here to email me” button on my blog?  I looked through the widgets and didn’t see one.  That does not mean there isn’t one, just that I didn’t see it! :-D

OK, I’m getting off my high horse now and going for the coffee pot.  Who knows, I may do something radical like get dressed!

Love you all, have a great weekend, and to those of you to whom November 1st means more than Day of the Dead….you WriMos know who you are…fire up your engines and get that novel off to a running start!  Hyah! Hyah!  (sound of whips cracking)


Punitude

Now that I’m ‘out’ about my pregnancy, I can lament the additional punitude. So far, my mental state is pretty darn good; I had few problems in that regard last pregnancy, which is why I don’t feel bad about potentially coming off of my meds for a chunk of this time. But physically, I’m feeling pretty brutalized. My joints and back are already all sorts of out of sort, I’m really rockin’ the chronic fatigue thing, and the less said about nausea, the better. I’m really sort of amazed that my brain is holding up so well regardless, ESPECIALLY when pregnancy insomnia is already making itself known.

Still, I did this to myself. *chuckles* I’ll do my best to make it through the whole thing with good cheer, but that doesn’t make the icky parts any less icky. My relative productivity is non-existent, though I can feel the base level of energy slowly creeping up towards something useful.

I’ve been sitting at home for a few weeks now trying to keep it together, though until this nausea passes… I can’t see myself leaving the house much. Part of it appears to be a developed touch of emetophobia. I can handle the idea of vomiting here if I have to, but not so much anywhere else.

Anyways, I should go battle myself to try and make lunch happen. I’ve been doing fairly well, but it’s hard when everything sounds terrible. At least it distracts me from any potential brain woes? What can I say, I always try to look for something resembling a bright side!

<3

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