Daily Archives: October 31, 2013
I didn't run away because I thought it would be exciting, I ran away because I couldn't stomach what I was running away from. My life. I'm sitting in a hotel room, wondering what on earth I should do next. I've spent the day sleeping and reading. I could be doing the same at home but somehow it feels different here. It's so quiet and so peaceful. I don't know what I've been thinking about...nothing and everything. I couldn't tell you what the book I've been reading is all about. I feel like I'm in a completely different world. I keep telling myself it's doing me some good. I don't really know. I do feel guilty that I've ignored people's texts and phone calls but I really don't want to go through trying to explain something that I don't understand myself. I'm staying another night. After that they are fully booked. I don't know what I'll do then. I can't say I'm really enjoying the experience. I'd imagined it would be somehow liberating just getting in the car and taking off. It's not . I have my phone and my iPad so I keep dipping into what everyone else is doing. I've been looking on Facebook and Twitter . Life just goes on wether I'm in it or not. I suddenly feel really insignificant. I did speak to my best friends son. He means the world to me and out of everybody it somehow seemed ok to call him. It was comforting to hear his voice but I honestly can't remember what he said apart from that I am a strong woman. I have spent so much time lately trying to be strong. I don't feel strong right now. I feel like my strength has been drained out of me. I just seem to go from one drama to another and I really have had enough. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I still can't face the thought of going home. I'm starting to feel scared. I feel like I've got myself into a situation that I don't know how to get out of. I really could use a wish right now.
For once, I’m not talking about coping with mental illness. Nope, this time it’s rhinitis—painfully irritated sinuses and ear congestion—which …
I don't know how to explain how I feel right now. I'm not depressed but I'm deeply unhappy. I'm unhappy with myself. Unhappy with how I look, with what I'm doing, with my life in general. I can't think of one thing in my life that really excites me or makes me really happy and I can't think of one thing that would change that. I don't know what I want.
Sometimes I frighten myself with the thoughts that go through my mind. I'm having some really weird thoughts lately. At least I know they're weird so I guess that's one good thing. I can't have completely lost my mind.
As I take so many tablets I always put them in one of those plastic things with each day of the week on. I never remember to take them otherwise . This morning as I was filling it up I had the urge to just swallow the whole lot at once. Somehow I imagined death would be a better option than the bullshit that's my life at the moment. Obviously I didn't do it. I don't know what stopped me.
Sometimes when I'm driving I have the urge to just take my hands off the steering wheel and crash into whatever is in front. Obviously I wouldn't do it.
I don't know why thoughts like that are so often and so vivid.
I feel so unsettled. I feel like I need to just up and leave. Fuck knows where I would go and fuck knows why I think running away would make any difference. I just feel compelled to pack my bags and go. Something is making me want to go. The feeling is so strong. I feel like I'm being suffocated here. Sometimes when I think about it I actually end up gasping for breath.
So I did pack my bag and go. I'm now sitting in a hotel room. I've got no idea where I am. Last night I drove round and round for nearly five hours. I wouldn't mind but I kept ending up back in the same place. See, I can't even run away properly. By rights I should have been in Scotland by now. Instead I think I'm somewhere near Gt Yarmouth . I stopped at a few places to stay but everywhere was full up. I finally managed to find somewhere and that's where I am now. It's nice. I slept so soundly, better than I have done for ages. Probably because I'd worn myself out. Now I don't really know what to do. All I know is that I'm not ready to go home.
I’m tired. Tired of doctors offices, blood tests, psychiatrist visits, being poked and prodded. No real progress made as far as my migraines go, but at least I got this unsettling photo out of the neurologist visit:
I just want to feel better already. Only two months into my bipolar diagnosis and I’m already so tired of taking medications to just feel neutral. Sometimes I feel this is karma delivering unto me for all the rotten things I’ve done, the nasty thoughts I’ve had and it doesn’t add up. I don’t think I’ve ever been this awful. So we roll back to science and medicine and attribute it to biological defects within my brain, a nice clean answer.
Karma, biology, the weather, whatever it is, I wish I could get a break here. Hopefully back to a more positive mindset soon.