Daily Archives: October 21, 2013

Mixed

I am feeling a mixed state today. Sluggish but manic thoughts and mental energy. It’s not productive.

It’s confusing to be in two places at once. But then, bipolar itself is the epitome of confusion.

Woke up to my alarm this morning. Shut it off. Overslept, only thing that saved me was a text message waking me.

Went to the shop and got done what was on my list within ninety minutes. That’;s always nice. I am starting to feel edgy there. Ringing phone, customers coming in, and R is so vague with his instructions. It’s anxiety inducing and I cannot leave fast enough. Last year I enjoyed being there. I have no idea what has changed except my mental space.

It is so galling to be doing ok for awhile, then to not being so good. This is the scary part, The prelude to sinking down the rabbit hole. Next step: waking up facedown in trash you haven’t taken out in days because the panic attacks are so brutal. Facedown because your only survival method is to drink yourself into a stupor and pass out wherever.

Been there, done that, did NOT buy the t-shirt.

But now I have no desire to drink. It gives me heartburn and makes me sleepy so what’s the point?

I picked up my scripts today. The doctor increased my lithium to 1200. You’d think 300 mg four times a day, But no. For whatever broken logic I do not get, she prescribed both 300 and 150 mg. ‘Cos I am doing so well now where I have to commend myself for putting on pants, I can totally do math and take two in the morning and one at lunch and one at supper and this dosage at bedtime. Geesh, trying to treat my illness is resembling rocket science.

Frankly, everything is just complicated and hard at this time.

Now that I have bitched and moaned,,,

I will spew some rainbows and sunshine to prove I am not the pessimist overlord,

The Originals- new vampire show. AWESOME.

A warm shirt just out of the dryer- amazing.

Music (especially Love+Lust+Faith+Dreams by 30 Seconds to Mars or anything by 30STM.)- a bandage for my bleeding soul.

Glazed crullers- not big on sweets but these donuts are surely the result of magic

Dr Pepper-nectar of the gods.

Pork chops breaded in Ritz crackers and fried- DELICIOUSLY DECADENT

That’s the good the bad and the fugly for today.

Mixed.

I always preferred to be shaken, not stirred or mixed.

Bummer.

 


I hate what I’m doing ALL THE TIME!!

Everyday. Waking up. I hate what I do, what I’ve done. Ugh! I can’t seem to find a reason to it all.

I mean some people wake up and bounce up ready for the day, but me. Never have I ever waken up like that.

I hate that I have to go to work, to just get up and do anything.

I am so angry today.

The Living Dead Girl post

I’m not a zombie but I feel like I could be one. IF zombies were depressed, listless, paranoid, anxious and irritable.

I’m dead, but alive. Living Dead Girl. It’s not just a cool song by Rob Zombie, who knew.

I have wanted to post all week but always come up with a reason not to. It isn’t lack of emotions or words. It’s laziness that comes with seasonal affect. I mean, the good days are the ones when I manage to get my kid bathed AND myself. It sounds so trivial but at this time in my life and mood cycle, it’s a huge thing.

For weeks we have been living out of laundry baskets of clean but unfolded clothes. Nothing like 7:40 am and you can’t find underwear but you know they are there under sixteen other items of clothing and your kid is screeching and the clock is ticking and this needs to be done and you have to leave NOW..

Cripes. I finally bit the bullet and folded six baskets today, Funny thing is I now have six more to fold because my stepmom gave us some bedding I had to wash. It never ends.

The anxiety and paranoia have been insane. I swear I have bugs crawling on my skin. I can’t see them but I feel them and I itch. I have even used rubbing alcohol on my skin thinking maybe they are invisible bugs and I can burn them off. And I am aware that I sound crazy, I told the shrink all of this. She luckily yanked the Lexapro but I’m not feeling less crazier, tho the anxiety the last few days has been toned from ten to 5. I am going to increase lithium, but that can’t happen for awhile cos I have no money to buy it.

And next month I get to see a new shrink.

Meanwhile I am still pretty sure I have bugs crawling all over me half the time and it seems to be a common side effect with two of the meds I am on.

In other news, I have withdrawn so far from any kind of outer life people have gotten rather irritated with me and made claims that I think I am too good to hang out with them. Hey you want to hang out with a chick convinced bugs are crawling on her when no bugs are there???Let’s hang out and braid each other’s hair WHILE I SCREAM ABOUT THE BUGS EATING ME ALIVE. Geesh. I am trying to shelter people from my current bucket of crazy but even that bites me on the ass.

I have been writing my vampire novel for the last month. Obsessively, insanely, driven like a woman possessed writing. Nothing else matters. It doesn’t matter no one will ever read it because I like it that way., I write for me. And I am still writing, even if this last stretch I had to force it hard to keep from blocking. It is so easy to give in to writer’s block and say, i’m out of material, let me get back to doing absolutely nothing,

The downside to being so consumed by my own creativity is that it makes me see how bland and pointless my own life actually is. Because no matter how hard I try to suck it up and get over it, every single time I am thwarted because mental illness rears its ugly fucking head, I mean, seriously, does anyone really think I would choose and relish being in a place where I feel bugs crawling on me? This current state serves me in no way. But it is the hand I have been dealt and I am playing it, albeit listlessly and with a bit of an attitude.

On the plus side, the lithium is REALLY doing its numbing thing. I have made jokes about emotional novacaine but lithium is it. Someone said something to me the other day that a couple of months ago would have set off my anger and tearducts. But I felt NOTHING, not good, not bad. Just…nothing.

It isn’t so much a lack of affect, I still have feelings. But I am no longer a prisoner to them, They don’t seem to alter every six seconds. I am finally finding some sort of emotional stability.

To make up for that plus, though, I have hella anxiety and depression.

and the BUGS ARE CRAWLING ON ME MAKE IT STOP

Sorry, tension breaker, had to be done,

Sorry, Breakfast club reference.

Pop culture is my number one coping mechanism. If sarcasm and humor can’t solve it then it can’t be solved, right?

I don’t know.

I can hear the clock ticking. Which is funny because it’s digital. Actually I meant metaphorically. Back to school for my kid tomorrow, which puts me on her time, doiing her bidding. The return of my anxiety and inability to truly breathe., I try not to look at it that way, but it is what it is.

What can I say? Right now.,.I am sanity challenged.