I am feeling a mixed state today. Sluggish but manic thoughts and mental energy. It’s not productive.
It’s confusing to be in two places at once. But then, bipolar itself is the epitome of confusion.
Woke up to my alarm this morning. Shut it off. Overslept, only thing that saved me was a text message waking me.
Went to the shop and got done what was on my list within ninety minutes. That’;s always nice. I am starting to feel edgy there. Ringing phone, customers coming in, and R is so vague with his instructions. It’s anxiety inducing and I cannot leave fast enough. Last year I enjoyed being there. I have no idea what has changed except my mental space.
It is so galling to be doing ok for awhile, then to not being so good. This is the scary part, The prelude to sinking down the rabbit hole. Next step: waking up facedown in trash you haven’t taken out in days because the panic attacks are so brutal. Facedown because your only survival method is to drink yourself into a stupor and pass out wherever.
Been there, done that, did NOT buy the t-shirt.
But now I have no desire to drink. It gives me heartburn and makes me sleepy so what’s the point?
I picked up my scripts today. The doctor increased my lithium to 1200. You’d think 300 mg four times a day, But no. For whatever broken logic I do not get, she prescribed both 300 and 150 mg. ‘Cos I am doing so well now where I have to commend myself for putting on pants, I can totally do math and take two in the morning and one at lunch and one at supper and this dosage at bedtime. Geesh, trying to treat my illness is resembling rocket science.
Frankly, everything is just complicated and hard at this time.
Now that I have bitched and moaned,,,
I will spew some rainbows and sunshine to prove I am not the pessimist overlord,
The Originals- new vampire show. AWESOME.
A warm shirt just out of the dryer- amazing.
Music (especially Love+Lust+Faith+Dreams by 30 Seconds to Mars or anything by 30STM.)- a bandage for my bleeding soul.
Glazed crullers- not big on sweets but these donuts are surely the result of magic
Dr Pepper-nectar of the gods.
Pork chops breaded in Ritz crackers and fried- DELICIOUSLY DECADENT
That’s the good the bad and the fugly for today.
I always preferred to be shaken, not stirred or mixed.