Daily Archives: October 18, 2013

I Love Football and Mental Illness

Okay, actually, I don’t love either of them.  I tolerate football, (at best) for my Dad and my husband, and I am passionate about mental illness–you know, because I have one.

Either way, step aside JJ Watt (it’s been a bad few weeks for the Texans anyways, guys).  I have a new favorite player.  Brandon Marshall of the Chicago Bears wore green cleats in a game on October 10, 2013 in honor and support of Mental Health Awareness Week.

And as if that wasn’t enough…

The NFL fined Marshall $10, 500 for violating uniform and equipment rules.  I’m not upset that he was fined, really.  The NFL’s gotta do what the NFL’s gotta do.  It’s Brandon Marshall’s response to it that I absolutely love so much I can’t handle it.  Not only did he pay the $10,500 fine–he matched it, and made a donation!

Good work, buddy.

And what did he have to say about his stigma bustin’ act?  He Tweeted.  This sums it up completely.  This is what it’s all about.

“This fine is nothing compared to the conversation started & awareness raised.”

Brandon Marshall Twitter

Someone needs to embroider this on a jersey for the man.

“Football is my platform, not my purpose”

Gotta love a person using their platform–FOR their purpose.

Job well done, my friend,

Thankful,

Mrs Bipolarity

Button Repair!

Yeah okay, so, I’m a bit slow in noticing that the like button wasn’t working. There’s apparently some conflict between it and Cloudflare right now, so I turned Cloudflare off. So you guys can like again to your heart’s content.

<3

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And the point is?

I feel like I've just stepped off of the biggest, fastest, scariest ride at the funfair. My head is still spinning and I'm stumbling a bit, trying to get myself back down to earth. I got a thrill from the ride but I hated it at the same time. Now I have a sense of nothingness. Not good, not bad , just nothing. That's how I feel about my life at the moment. I don't know where to go next. 
Sometimes this type of mood is the worst. It's like being in a relationship where you don't know where you stand.
When I've been unwell I tend to bury my head in the sand. I tend to ignore things in the hope that they'll just disappear. I need to take stock and start sorting my life out. Instead I'm sitting in bed at midday, faffing about on my iPad . I can't be bothered to get dressed. What's the point? I haven't got anything in particular to do. I haven't got any concrete plans for the next few days.
Of course I have everything to do.
I haven't been proper shopping for weeks. Well, only for things I don't need. My food shopping has consisted of coffee and milk. The essentials! If it wasn't for my neighbour and the odd meal out I doubt I'd eat at all. It's not because I'm not hungry or I'm trying to diet, it's because I can't be bothered. I have a huge pile of paperwork, letters from work, letters from the bank. I don't know, there's loads of it. I'm too scared to look because I know my finances are in a complete mess. I know my spending has been out of control and I know I'm going to get a shock when I do try to sort it. I really don't want the bother of all that right now. I made a huge fuss about being allowed to go back to the gym and got a GP referral . I went to the induction and haven't been back since. I do actually want to go, I just can't bring myself to do it. It's too much effort right now. I've just realised my car MOT is out of date by over a month.Work is the most important thing I need to sort out. I may have lost my job,well I know I'm going to lose my job, yet I cannot even think about it. I have a complete mental block when it comes to decisions about work. I just don't want to know about it yet. 
Sometimes I wish someone would come along and take care of everything. Of course that's never going to happen. It's one of the scariest feelings coming to the conclusion that I'm the only person that can help myself. 
I don't mean to be so apathetic. I do care deep down, I'm just having trouble getting motivated right now. I feel like I'm up and down like a yo yo at the moment. If I thought for one minute that one mighty kick up the backside would help, then I'd be first in the queue. Somehow I think I'll just have to wait until my mood settles or something big happens to shock me into life. 




All Dappled and Drowsy

*waves* Not much going on out this way. I continue to be all sorts of lacking in spoons, but this is counterbalanced between general good mood. So yanno, I can’t complain overly. As I often say — it could always be worse. But as many of us know, the downside of being up (but not too up!) is a dearth of things to say. I’m lacking in spoons, but I don’t mind overly.

And now, to drift along accounts, work-style.

<3

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Demons

I’ve always found solace in music. My current song of the moment is Demons by Imagine Dragons. I don’t know if I could write a song that expresses how I feel having bipolar that works better than this. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWRsgZuwf_8

First off, I love the way the video shows what experience each listener has/memory they have as they listen to the song. And don’t even get me started on the end- I get so verklempt. But the lyrics are what get me. The fear I have in regards to having a relationship despite being bipolar is captured in the lines “don’t wanna let you down/but I am hell bound/though this is all for you/don’t wanna hide the truth”. The chorus of “don’t get too close, it’s dark inside it’s where my demons hide” hits so close to home when it comes to my often self-imposed loneliness. 

I am sure we all fear we aren’t good/pretty/smart/funny/rich enough for our partners. It’s a fear that eclipses any human category that exists. The desire to be everything our partner needs (as well as needing so much in return) is so poignantly voiced with “your eyes they shine so bright/ I wanna save that light/ I can’t escape this now/unless you show me how”. 

The song (as far as I know) was not written about mental illness, but it sure does fit well with the way I feel most days. I love the universality of music, the way lyrics written by one or two people can speak for the emotions of millions. I definitely find music to be therapeutic in a sense. It can give me hope, provide me with a release, help me to cry, cheer me up and it always expresses my mood, no matter where I am bipolar-wise.

Is there a song that you truly love? that defines a time in your life or a struggle you faced/overcame? Please share it in the comments!

Filed under: Self Discovery Tagged: bipolar, Demons, fear, Imagine Dragons, love, music, relationships, therapy