There’s no way to explain how lonely life can be when you have bipolar. Some days I love being around people and want to accomplish so many things. Then there are the times when you isolate, tuck away into your cocoon and shut off. Obviously this makes it pretty impossible to have healthy relationships or friendships. People just don’t understand how your mood can change so quickly.
I’ve had friends offer to get together with me for dinner, concerts and I make up an excuse as to why I can’t go. This makes me two things: 1) a liar and 2) a crappy friend. This particular depressive portion has been pretty bad. I’m still in the beginning part of my medication therapy, so my moods are still all over the place. I also haven’t figured out my triggers or when exactly I’m having a manic episode. I just know I suddenly want to do/eat/make everything and only need an hour of sleep. Then, just as suddenly, I want to sleep for days, I don’t wear makeup or do much with my appearance and often don’t speak.
I’m taking a bold step tomorrow and attending a ladies group at the church I belong to. I will not allow myself to make up an excuse as to why I can’t go. Is it going to be perfect? probably not. I’ll most likely fumble for words, feel like I’m not “holy enough” to be in a church community and think of the 5000 ways I feel like I don’t measure up. But I’ll still go, I’ll still make the attempt and see how it goes.
The depression and anxiety can be paralyzing. Second guessing myself and beating myself up gets exhausting. This disorder is all-encompassing and trying to rise above it is a full time job. But I have to keep trying. My renewed faith in God is certainly helping, knowing there is someone who always has my back, no matter how aggravating I am, is encouraging.
I know there will be light again, I just have to make it through a particularly long dark night. But I will get there.