So the down cycle began.
Friday morning as I was getting ready for work I felt hot, angry, frustrated tears trying to spill over. Push down, push down, just move forward…get through the day. Smile. Laugh. Stay focused on the tasks at hand. Shake myself back into the present as my mind moves far away from me. Repeat. I am not present…There is a breakdown between what’s going on in my head and what’s coming out of my mouth. The day is glazed with anxiousness, a frustrating daze and set of new physical circumstances mixed with more pain. Each time I feel as though I cannot possibly carry or cope with one more thing, here comes another thing.
10 hours pass during my workday. Exhaustion.
I somehow come to find myself rocking back and forth on the crouch in full on ugly cry. Soul cry. Layer upon layer of details, how far reaching it all extends, how this affects that, I’m watching the domino affect happening before my eyes and my inability to do anything more about any of it drives me mad. It all pours out of me over the course of a couple of hours. Along with a few guttural sounds. Thankfully I live alone, aside from my pets. No one should witness an episode like this. Deeper exhaustion, yet I cannot sleep. I refilled my Ambien last week, half helped lull me into slumber.
Today I am flat, deflated, sort of suspended in just existing, choking down complete and total fed up. I also only have one operational hand since the injury, which makes the simplest things extremely difficult and some impossible.
I also missed an old friends funeral today, as I was previously committed to being a Bridesmaid for another friend. A 2 hour drive to the middle of a tiny country town and it turns out her directions to the church were wrong. Her cell reception is shot, this place isn’t on a GPS and after another hour of driving around trying to find it, I turn around and come home. There are just so many things wrong with this whole ordeal.