Daily Archives: September 3, 2013

Bad Solutions

I have a list of things I could post today, but there’s one problem – depression. It hit me yesterday, but I didn’t realize it. You’d think by now I’d know the signs when it is about to rear it’s ugly head. We went to Maurice’s parents for Labor Day but I really wasn’t there. I like his parents and they treat me as family, so normally everything is good. Sunday, however, I chatted with his mom for a little while, but that was it. The rest of the time I kept my face buried in my laptap. Well, not the entire time. I did move away from my screen frequently to grab a bite to eat, and eat, and eat, and eat…

Cashew nuts, mints, sour balls, chocolate bars, breadsticks, chicken, potato au gratin, scones, milkshakes, and more. Though I didn’t realizd I was depressed, my body sure knew it. That’s why I kept eating. I wanted to fill that empty void in my gut that my body knew was there. That empty hole that makes me feel alone.

Today has been just as bad. Same problem (depression) and same solution (eat.)

So despite all the wonderful ideas floating in my brain to write about, I’m writing about hollow, lonely, depressed feelings and my very bad solution to them.

It’s near

I know it’s right
I can feel it in my sight
I’ll try with all my might
It’s here, so clear
My future is so near
I will hold it dear
I’ll do my best
Won’t second guess
No more mess
It’s time for something better
I’ve stood here through stormy weather
I know it is my time
The results will be sublime

It’s time

It’s time for something new

No longer feeling blue

I’m ready for a change

A chance to rearrange

Letting go of the rage

Escaping the cage

Let go of the chains

There is so much to gain

I’ll never be the same

It’s no longer a game

This is my life

I’ve been through hell, so much strife

Something more is in store

I can feel it in my bones

Ignore the drones

It’s my chance to shine

I can’t hit rewind

I’m going in blind

With faith alone I will go

No more stalling, no more no

My Issues with Diagnosis, Judgement, & Guns

I recently read another blog written by shrinks called Shrink Rap and it is very introspective and a must read for those dealing with mental illness and judgments from other (even loved ones)

Here is how I personally relate. (Please don’t hate on my man because he means well)

BACKGROUND: Okay, I do not work anymore. I can work but I do get fatigued and mentally drained easily so when I get a job I have to have a flexible schedule and I honestly don’t know if I could or can handle a full time position that provided me with benefits so instead I am receiving aid from the government. It doesn’t feel very good but whatever; I need the assistance to be able to afford my appointments and medicines.

My Man: He wants me to get a job and I would LOVE to have a relaxed job at a library or doing something quiet and with books or book work but ….. I am scared and nervous to put myself out there again. It is as if I can work a year then I need to take off for 2 years to feel complete again. My man says I do not seem mentally ill to him BUT here is the rub, he owns a gun that is locked away in our home and he will not give me or tell me where the key is for it. Hmmm….does that sound right? He acknowledges in his subconscious that I am not always well but then when I am doing what it takes to make me feel better and stable he wants to rock that boat by asking me almost every other day if I want to get a job or he tells me how much better off we would be if I had a job. Financially we would be better but then it would wear me down. Hell even a library gig would give me paranoia I am sure.

He is part of the reason I am doing so well. He is a wonderfully loving and nurturing man and companion. But I do see a double standard he has about my mental illness. It is okay to test my mental and emotional capacity by getting a job but it is NOT okay for me to have access to a gun. Just in case the stress makes me want to hurt myself which is smart because I do have a suicidal and self harm history.

Thank you all for listening to me because I needed to get this off my chest.

That Bipolar Bitch: Aunt Flo

AHHHHHH!!! AHHHHH!

That is how I feel right now, and its 2 am in the morning. I know my period is coming at the end of the week, but for 2 week prior to this day, I HAVE BEEN A SUPER BITCH IRRITATED WRECKING BALL OF FLAMES!!!!!

Is this my period or my Bipolar?

I don’t want to be touch, or kissed, or even slept in the same bed with. I hate my job. I have no future. I feel so tired…

Hm… maybe it is my period. Maybe I’m just fussing about nothing and I should just relax, take a breath, and chill..

Or maybe I’ll go punch a wall!!!!

Ladies…or men!! Any suggestions?


Made in Montana Spa Monday!

Once upon a time, I lived in Montana. My kid sister still lives there and it’s a place very near and dear to my heart. There is a sense of resourcefulness among Montanans, and so it’s no surprise that while researching organic and natural beauty products, I came across a line called Soul Kitchen Naturals.  Christine Lambert began the business after her hobby of making natural gifts took off. She continues to create the products in her own home, using hand selected items.

I purchased the Balance Face Care Pack. For a very reasonable $25, I received: Lavender Lip Butter, X-Treme Skin Makeover Serum, Face Nectar, Pretty for Pink Anti Aging Moisturizer, Renewal Toner, Herb Infused Oil and Herbal Scrub/Mask. Everything arrived promptly and professionally packaged and it’s obvious from first use Christine carefully selects the best ingredients to make her products with. I’ve been using the items for close to a month now and I’m completely in love with this kit! The Herb Infused Oil can be used as a moisturizer or as a cleanser. If you’ve never cleansed with oil before, it does take a bit of getting used to. The whole idea of putting oil on your face to clear it up goes against all the advice we’ve heard for years, but it does work!

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My favorite items in the kit are the X-Treme Skin Makeover Serum, Renewal Toner and Pretty For Pink moisturizer. The serum is amazing, it’s refreshing, doesn’t feel greasy and on warmer days, I use it in place of a moisturizer. I do notice those lines that were cropping up around my eyes becoming fainter. The Renewal Toner is non-drying, but still controls excess oil. I generally use it after cleansing with the Herb Infused Oil and before applying either the X-Treme Serum or before the FaceNectar. You can also use the Toner to set your makeup.

The Pretty For Pink Anti Aging moisturizer (10% of proceeds goes towards breast cancer research!) has the most amazing fragrance I’ve ever experienced with a natural product! I love it and how it absorbs into my skin without feeling waxy or greasy. All of the items in the kit have a wonderful, earthy fragrance without being bothersome.

Another great feature of the kit is that the items are customizable. The herbal mask allows you to mix with water, yogurt, tea or even honey. So if you need to exfoliate but not overdry, you can adapt it as needed! Christine lists all ingredient info on the website Soulkitchennaturals.com, so you can make sure you know what you’re putting on your skin. In addition to facial/skin care items, you can also purchase essential oils for aromatherapy, home cleaning products, hair care products and you can also customize a skin care scent for yourself!

I love to support small business, and Soul Kitchen Naturals is an amazing small business! Christine’s dedication to quality, organic products is evident through the products she sells. I am definitely going to remain a loyal customer and encourage you all to check out her site!

Here’s the Facebook page where you can get special offers, announcements and giveaways! http://www.facebook.com/soul.kitchen.naturals.montana

Filed under: natural-organic beauty Tagged: beauty, Montana, natural, organic, Soul Kitchen Naturals

20 Before 20

Yesterday I turned 19, which marks the beginning of my final year as a teenager! I spent the day with friends and ended the night by watching the latest episode of Breaking Bad. What more could a birthday girl ask for?
I started my 19th year in such a positive way that I want to keep the momentum going. I want to live this year. To keep myself inspired and accountable, I’m going to copy many other bloggers by creating my own “20 Before 20” bucket list. I’ve come up with twenty experiences that I want to have before I turn 20 on September 1, 2014.
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1. Do a handstand
This means I have to practice yoga every day!
2. Be part of a meaningful service project
I want to serve others with a project I believe in.
3. Try acupuncture
I’m curious if it will work for me.
4. Start “The Bipolar Book Club”
More information coming soon!
5. Get my driver’s license

6. Read 20 books

7. Watch 20 movies

8. Join a club on campus
So far I’m thinking about Active Minds and Best Buddies.
9. Try 5 new fruits
If you know how much I hate fruit, this makes sense.
10. Perfect pad thai
I’d love to be able to make my favorite food well!
11. Write at least 52 blog posts

12. Have my first classroom teaching experience
This should happen in my STEM teaching class this semester.
13. Write to a pen-pal.
If you’re interested, let me know!
14. Do 5 craft projects from Pinterest

15. Unplug for 24 hours

16. Attend a sporting event
I’ll even attempt to be peppy!
17. Write a book

18. Go to California again
19. Give a meaningful gift

20. Eat a vegan diet for one month
I’ve tried this before, but I didn’t stick with it.
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I’ll be documenting my attempt to conquer this list throughout the year in monthly updates. You’re welcome to join me! It doesn’t have to be your birthday for you to commit to new and exciting goals 🙂