Daily Archives: August 31, 2013

A New Path

The last few days since I received my bipolar diagnosis have been stressful. Between working and adjusting to my new meds (still a work in progress) I’m also facing the ignorance and cruelty of people who do not understand that I do not choose to behave this way, it’s a part of my disorder.

Does that sound like a cop out? It might, but it’s the truth. People who lack empathy are toxic to me. It takes a lot more bravery and strength to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and show them mercy than it does to bully, belittle and chat with your friends about “that crazy girl” and “check out this post she wrote”. I’m bipolar, I’m not stupid. This type of garbage plays havoc with my already bewildered mind and emotions.

I’m making a huge effort to take care of myself. I’m trying to get my medication schedule figured out so I can be my best at work and keeping up with healthy eating. I’m still dedicating time each day to talk to Jesus, thank him for the good things I have. I am choosing to surround myself with positive people, positive messages and if something/someone does not support this, then that is being removed from my life.

I am happy to say that for as much negativity as I’ve faced in the past week, I’ve also received positive, loving support that far outweighs the bad. From co-workers to family to friends and internet people I’m finding a support I was scared I never would.  For that, I am so grateful.

To anyone who is in the same boat as me, hang in there. Don’t let the bastards grind you down, as the song says. You are more than the stigma, the names, the cyberbullying, all of it.

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Filed under: Self Discovery Tagged: bipolar, bullying, healing, support, wellness

Testing Myself

Thursday morning, I had a bright flash of inspiration — why don’t I keep Lilbit at home with myself, and let everyone else in the family have a nice, child-free day? The husband concurred that it was a good idea, and we agreed that I’d do it tomorrow to enable my mother-in-law to have a completely empty house (my father-in-law works from home on Thursdays), because she’s awesome and deserves a nice break. Because I was so unstable until my diagnosis and treatment, and only really started feeling properly stable in the past few months, I figured this would be an excellent challenge to see how my mental state was coping.

Lilbit playing Sims 'like Mommy!'

Lilbit playing Sims ‘like Mommy!’

Friday dawned with me feeling flu-ish, which is perfect for staying at home. It’s not that great for child-wrangling, but I started to feel better as I consumed more caffeine and beverage. My husband headed straight for the office after breakfast, most happy at the petrol he was saving. I had decided to try and not have the television on much if I could help it, and instead put the radio on quietly. I asked Lilbit what she wanted to do, and she asked if she could play Sims on Daddy’s rarely-used desktop computer. I smiled; I adore her emulating me. And she’d already made a start by insisting on putting on her bathrobe for our ‘party’, as I was wearing mine until the cool of the morning had passed. I know, I know — some folks would roll their eyes at trading one screen for another, but I feel letting her poke at games helps her develop legit computing skills. I don’t want her to end up in her 20s like my sister, unable to match colours on the back of a computer tower (true story). She got to a point where she would yell at me if I tried to help (excellent), and instructed me to turn my attention back to my own computer(s).

Anyways, the things to note were that she was quite happy entertaining herself, that she wasn’t clingy in the slightest, and that we did play together in bits and bobs as she felt the need to socialize. We had a good time, and my mood held it together pretty darn well. I find that exciting — it’s one of those things that I consider indicative of me hitting ‘real girl’ status (not to diss on my mental illness, but rather, to embrace what I perceive as approaching a more neurotypical state). It means that I can try to do more to help my husband in wrangling her, and maybe even I’ll hit the point where I want to say… take her to the park and let him rest at home (gasp)! I’m taking it very slowly and cautiously — after all, I don’t want to screw it all up and end up triggering depression if I can help it.

It sounds like Lilbit and her daddy are back from shopping, so I’m going to go see what’s shaking. I hope that everyone is having a good weekend.

<3

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