Daily Archives: August 26, 2013

The joy(lessness) of Cymbalta withdrawal

I am at the shop. The entire exhaust is off my car dragging on the ground. R blew up, even though the exhaust system has needed replaced for the last six months and he chose to ignore it rather than fix it when I said I’d work the parts into my budget. He says I’ve got it all bent and fucked up. Yeah, it’s all me. Does any man on the planet do anything but pass the blame onto anyone but themselves or well, “shit happens,no one is to blame.”

I am wavering between tears of utter frustration and anger induced tantrums.

Welcome to coming off an anti depressant.

The brain zaps, the mental fog, feeling half drunk, like everything is wrapped in gauze…The irritability, the personality changes, the mood swings, the anger…

This is worse than any of other withdrawal I’ve been through. Those were physical ordeals, brain zaps, etc. This is mental and it has turned me into a pile of raw nerve endings with no clue if I am coming or going.

With all the medical marvels and miracles they have come up with…Why can’t they formulate anti depressants to avoid this withdrawal bullshit?

If this one is like Effexor. I am facing about six weeks of this crap. It will of course get better but with the way I am feeling, I am wondering if it will get better before I say or do something in some emotional fugue that can’t be undone.

I want to go curl up in bed and cry.

I want to rise above this whiny wimpy state and get on with life because shit happens.

(Brainzapzapzapzap)

My fingertips feel numb. Like I am wearing oven mitts on  my hands. I have already walked into two walls today.

Life is good.

NOT.


Selfish?

The last few weeks have been horrendous . I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy. At last I'm starting to feel a little better. I still have a long way to go but for the first time I can see a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. It's like waking up from a bad dream. 
This is still a hard  time for me because I want people to know that I'm feeling better and I want to start doing things again but I worry that people will expect too much. Now that I am over the worst I need time to heal and recuperate.  I still feel fragile,  like it won't take much to send me back down again. I know the next few weeks are going to be difficult as I try to ease myself back into real life. I haven't really spoken to or seen many people except for my really close friends and family and I feel nervous about getting out and about again. 
I'm going to a wedding reception next week. They're a special couple to me and I'd been looking forward to it for months. There'll be lots of people there that I care about yet I'm petrified about going. I'm worried about being with so many people. I'm normally the life and soul at a party and I worry about what people will think. I worry I might get overwhelmed by it all and start panicking. Truth is, no one will think anything. They'll just be pleased to see me.....or not! I feel like people are taking notice of everything I do yet in reality people won't really be that bothered. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean that I realise its me making a huge deal out of everything in my mind when it's not really about me. I think depression can make you selfish. It can make you get so wrapped up in your own sadness and pain that you end up thinking its all about you. Maybe selfish is a bit harsh. Maybe self conscious or self involved are better words.