Daily Archives: August 16, 2013

Prelude to a (likely) bumpy ride

Survived the home visit. Seems like Spook is getting a very nice teacher for pre-k. In an ode to my own paranoia and vast experience in not meeting the expectations of others…I videotaped the entire place prior to the visit to show it was tidy. This may seem asinine and neurotic, but a former landlord made me get an independent living adviser to make sure I kept up on housework in spite of my illness…And the adviser came in, inspected, said it was fine, and next I know…I am being evicted for violating health codes and not cleaning properly. I wish I were joking. That man never liked me even though I was there six years and paid rent like clockwork. I admit to being paranoid but sometimes if you don’t meet the expectations of others, it can hurt you.

As far as I am concerned, real moms have dustbunnies. Some people (my former mother in law) have houses so immaculate that they look like furniture showroom pieces. I like the lived in look, where I can flop on a couch and not have a conniption because Legos have exploded on my floor. A neat freak, especially ocd ones, would of course consider this living in a pig sty. Having the neuroses of others placed on you is very stressful when you’re a mom and people have the power to take your kid away. By the time it’s all investigated, the damage is done. R went through it with his kids, even though it was all a lie perpetuated by their mother to deny him access.

There is a reason for my paranoia that has nothing to do with mental illness and everything to do with firsthand experience.

Now..I can breathe and stop ranting.

Popped by the shop so he could go to the dentist, then left. Hit one yard sale on the way home. Now my kid is playing with her new used dumptruck (50 cents is a cheap price to amuse her for an hour or two) and I am in the process of unknotting all my muscles. The “good” kids have already been over for an hour, and oddly, I’m not stressed by them at all. I just have a serious problem with unruly rude kids. And frankly, if you don’t have a problem with rudeness, be it kid or adult, you’re part of the problem. (Is that me forcing my neuroses on others or is it just common sense and manners?)

I was reading the school handbook and laughed out loud. It says to “exercise good judgment” when dressing my kid for school. Ha ha ha, that’s hysterical. It also says to dress them in a way “so as not to stand out from the crowd.” Literally. Forced conformity.  While I understand the well intentioned mentality of blending in to avoid bullying…It’s going to happen even if they all wear Borg implants and follow the collective. Too poor, too tall, too skinny, wears glasses, has braces, talks with a lisp, not very smart…The bullies will always find a way to alienate and torment others. And the being different in appearance is asking for bullying argument is a crock of shit enabling people to be bullies and jerks. Just because a woman wears a short skirt in public or a man wears a Rolex in a bad neighborhood doesn’t mean they are “asking” to be raped or robbed. This negating of responsibility for one’s own actions, ie, raping, robbing, bullying, is bullshit.

Aside from the Halloween shirts (If zombies attack, I’m tripping you), and a rattlesnake t-shirt, I can’t think of anything scary or unacceptable in her wardrobe. If the day comes when she wants to look differently, though, she will have my total support. (Unless she wants to be a juggalette, in which case I am eating my young cos the ICP and juggalo culture is played out.) That’s a joke, btw. I don’t care if she wants to be that or go back to the 70′s and wear bell bottoms. My mom let me dress how I wanted and while I took a lot of grief…It was worth it to just be myself and not conform. Besides, I tried to do the jeans and t-shirt thing. They still picked on me for being too tall, too heavy, too poor, having acne…It’s asinine to think that attempting to blend in will solve bullying.

Whatever. I have always had a problem with dress codes. I mean, if society wants uniformity, technically we all came into the world looking exactly the same: naked. Funny how that is discouraged.

On the flip side, if my kid wants to join the Borg and be assimilated…I will no doubt roll my eyes and make gagging noises…But again, she has my support. I want her to be who she is, not who I-or anyone else-wants her to be.

Am I ever going to get to my point, you wonder?

Is 2015 a good year for you? Literally, it could take me that long to get my mind on track.

Hopefully that will soon change.

I am going to start my Lithium tonight at bedtime, in spite of the label. If it makes you sleepy, I say use it to sleep. If it fucks with the levels, I will alter as needed. For the start, though…Night time is it. I have already decreased Cymbalta. Now the real fun starts. Withdrawal, getting lithium levels in a therapeutic zone, trying not to lose my mind and drive those around me insane while it all gets straightened out. While this may seem like a pessimistic attitude, if you’ve done something enough times and formed a vast experience-and it has been negative- well, you just kind of know what’s coming. I have never withdrawn from Cymbalta before, but if it’s even a third as bad as Effexor withdrawal…

I am about to enter the 9th circle of hell.

Now…I am going to shut up.

For now.

I’m like a chronic illness…Every time you think  you’ve silenced me…I open my mouth and rear my head again. :)


Blogs I Read

quill

Hello to all my fellow bloggers out there (and to the civilian population as well.) I’ve finally begun starting a Blogroll, which you’ll see further down on the side listed as “Blogs I Read.” Many of you have been kind enough to place my blog on your list, but I have been unable to reciprocate. For whatever reason, WordPress took away the Links section from all newer versions of their Dashboard, thus making it impossible to create a blogroll without some kind of hack. Well, I finally found a hack and Ta-Da I finally have a blogroll. It’s still a work in progress, but, if you know I’m a regular reader of your blog (and I read a lot of them) please drop me a note and I will be happy to add you to the list. Fortunately most of us don’t post every day or it would be impossible to read all the wonderful blogs out there.

For those of you who aren’t bloggers, but are interested in reading other blogs, the blogs I’ve listed on “Blogs I Read” is a good place to start. I’m picky regarding what blogs I’ll put on the list so I feel very comfortable recommending them to you.

I wish all of you a wonderful weekend.

Back on the medi-go-round,try 2001

I finally confessed to the shrink. She concurs the Cymbalta is making me manic. (Common problem giving anti depressants to bipolar patients.) So…I am going to start Lithium, stay on the Lamictal and Xanax. My only bone of contention with her plan is her rapid weaning of Cymbalta. I get like spazzed just missing a dose by a few hours. Somehow three days at 60, three days at 30, then cold turkey don’t seem like it’s gonna cut it. And she said yes, I would have major withdrawal but I have to come off the Cymbalta now because of the mania. I think I like the mania better than withdrawal. Coming off Effexor nearly had me in the rubber room. This…is going to suck.

On the plus side, I have lost ten pounds in two months, without making a single effort. The only changes I made were to drink sweet tea 90% of the time as opposed to soda. So corn syrup and sugar being the same thing is bullshit. Both are sweeteners but the corn industry can easily be blamed for a lot of this obesity bullshit. Can’t get toothpaste without corn syrup in it. Apparently how the body metabolizes real sugar versus syrup is the difference. Not that the powers that be will ever get it. That’s my theory, anyway.

Mood wasn’t bad today, went to the shop for a bit. I only got three hours of sleep last night (manic cleaning frenzy) so I was sooo sleepy by noon. Then I left and of course, with kids on the loose, sanity is an illusion and enough peace and quiet to be sleepy is a joke. The kids were not happy with me. I made them play outside because I’d shampooed the carpet and furniture and it was all still wet. They kept trying to come in, I kept sending them back out. Over and over and over. I hate rudeness. Hate it hate it hate it. I blame the parents. Whether it’s because they can’t be bothered to teach manners or they simply don’t exert enough discipline to make the kids use manners…It’s on them. I’m all for taking personal responsibility, but a 5 year old is only equipped with the skills being taught at home. In this case…wolves would have taught them better.

Lots of drama in the trailer hood tonight. The evil neighbor and her boyfriend got into a knock down drag out, you could hear them slapping each other around and screaming. The kids wanted me to explain what was going on.

Then I looked out the window and there were FOUR cops outside my window, their cars blocking the road. Some sort of domestic thing on the other side of me, guess the woman tossed the man out or he left or something, I don’t know. I don’t like drama and unlike the other looky loos who had to walk all the way over from the other side to witness the drama, I went back inside. Does not want. Gives me anxiety attacks from hell.

The evil neighbor, her kids, and her boyfriend have all been throwing rocks at my cats. I get shooing them off your property, but throwing rocks? That’s juvenile, not to mention cruel and dangerous. A kid could be walking by and get a rock in the eye, ffs. People are just…I can’t even come up with a strong enough word to epitomize the sheer cruelty of mankind.

(And my “they’re not evil, they are damaged” argument does NOT ever apply to people who are mean to animals or kids, that’s not damaged, it’s evil.)

Now it’s 8:30 pm, my kid is zonked, and I took a 25 mg Trazadone because I am exhausted by my anxiety riddled brain  is not slowing down. I need to rest. I think I have the place in a respectable state of tidy. Will be so glad when this home visit is over. Maybe it’s all in my head, but people do judge. I mean, R’s daughter won’t allow her kid to come play at my house. I live in a bad neighborhood,in a trailer, and my carpet is frayed, Yes, Ursula has a big thing about people who are so “pathetic” as to have frayed carpet. Put that kind of mentality on someone with authority who could deem me unfit…I think some anxiety and trepidation are not without basis.

I will worry more after a brain reboot.

And if I start mood swinging and writing crazier than normal,, Bear with me please. Coming off Cymbalta while starting Lithium is going to make me “we the jury find the defendant” insane.

But I gotta make a change. Manic is fun but it’s also dangerous. I need to be back in control of my emotions and not cycle so much.

Enter Lithium and its stellar side effects.

The medi-go-round is my least favorite ride on the playground.