Daily Archives: August 15, 2013

Ten Lies Your Depression Tells You

 

The following is from a Huffington Post article on Friday the 9th by Anne Theriault.

Ten Lies Your Depression Tells You – Anne Theriault

1. You are a bad person who deserves bad things.

 

2. You are unhappy because you are lazy or lacking in willpower. Happiness is a choice, a choice that you have failed to make. Somehow, somewhere over the course of your lifetime, when faced with some metaphysical fork in the road, you chose the wrong path. You brought this curse down on yourself.

 

3. Your sadness is the baseline by which the rest of your life should be measured. This sadnesss is your norm, and any other emotions, especially positive ones, are exceptions to the rule. Yes of course there will be good times, of course there will be flashes of joy; you will certainly, on occasion, experience the pleasure of a good book or a ripe juicy peach. However, those experiences will be few and far between. Your bad days will always outnumber the good.

 

4. Your family and friends do not love you. Your family people who feel obligated to spend time with you because, as luck would have it, you share a similar genetic makeup. Your friends are people that you somehow tricked into thinking that you, as a person, have some kind of value, and now they don’t know how to extricate themselves from your pathetic, needy grasp. No one spends time with you because they enjoy it; they do it out of a sense of duty, a feeling of pity. Whenever you leave a room everyone breathes a sigh of relief.

 

5. Your family and friends do not want to hear about how sad you are. No matter how sympathetic they may seem, no matter how sincerely they might ask how you are feeling, remember that it’s all an act. The more that you open yourself up to them, the more you pour your heart out, the more resentful of you they become. Do not fall into the trap of sharing your feelings; do not give into the temptation to draw back the curtain and, like a tawdry magician, reveal your grotesque sadness. Your sadness is a choice, remember? This burden is yours to bear alone.

6. Your friends and family deserve better than you. Everyone deserves better than you.

 

7. In order to make up for your unhappiness, it is your responsibility to make sure that everyone around you is happy. If you can manage to maintain a near-constant veneer of kindness, helpfulness and sincere interest in others, then that will make your presence more tolerable. Your amiability, though entirely inadequate, is the best apology that you can make for your existence.

8. Everything is your fault.

If you plan a picnic and it rains, it’s your fault. You should have been more thorough when you checked the weather. You should have learned to be an amateur meteorologist so that you could better read the clouds. You should have packed a canopy. If you go out for dinner, for your once-in-a-blue-moon, hire-a-babysitter-and-wear-a-nice-dress date and the food or service or conversation is anything less than exceptional, it’s your fault. You should have read more restaurant reviews, should have asked friends for more recommendations, should have prepared cue cards with talking points. If someone is unkind to you, it’s your fault. You should have smiled more, been more gracious, tried harder to be whatever it was that they needed in that moment.

9. There is no cure for your sadness, no effective treatment, no way of managing your symptoms. There are, of course, doctors and pills and various therapies that help other people, but you’ve tried all these things and they don’t work for you. Nothing will ever work for you.

10. You will feel this way forever.

 

I think it’s a pretty good list, but there’s probably more.  Anything you’d like to add to the list?

Again With the Rash (!!!)

I woke up this morning, plopped myself in my chair, and began my morning routine. I felt a little tickle on my back, so I reached back to scratch… and it hurt like a mo. Yeah, the wtf rash thing is back. I took an antihistamine and tried to think if I’d eaten or done anything that could have triggered it, but nothing comes to mind. And of course, there aren’t any appointments available with the doctor’s office until next week, by which time it will have gone away again — sigh! It’s not a bother as long as I don’t poke it, like last time, so I guess I’ll make sure to not poke it.

The only thing I can think of that might have hit stress enough to trigger it is that I did most of the driving yesterday. I don’t feel super-safe doing it before noon, but I’m amenable to practicing so it’s less of a bother. It didn’t help that all over town, the pedestrians and bicyclists were being hella irresponsible and jumping into the road before my poor brain could process it. So I’ll make note of that here, ’cause perhaps that’s the trigger. The rash has been such a recent and sporadic thing that, as said, I don’t know what could be causing it, so…

Past that, I’m doing my utmost to keep my brain calm and relaxed and non-fixating. We are going to give trying to have another kid a second go, and this time, I’d like it to stay an enjoyable prospect. I had a lot of problems last year with fixation, so I’m doing my best to apply mindfulness to keep my life more enjoyable. Easier said than done, but hey — it’s a good and satisfying challenge if one manages to pull it off.

Anyhoos, back to being a productive little worker bee. I hope everyone is doing well.

<3

The post Again With the Rash (!!!) appeared first on The Scarlet B.

How hard can it be?

How hard can it be to just get up and get yourself ready for the day ahead? I can't do it. I don't know why. I just can't face another day of wandering around aimlessly. I can't stop crying. I don't really know why I'm crying. It's everything. Everything is overwhelming. I just can't do it, whatever "it" is. I thought by now that things would be getting easier. I thought the tablets would kick in and I would feel better. Well I don't. When I talk to people I say I'm feeling a bit better because its the easiest thing to do. What I really want to do is shout  " no I'm not fucking better". I don't know if I can carry on. I was trying to think of everything good in my life but there's always some obstacle in the way. I can't see a way out this time. I'm not planning on taking my own life even though I think about dying all the time. I couldn't do that to my family. Sometimes I think they'd be better off without me. I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to be the funny one, laughing and joking and full of life. I don't mean to let them down . When I talk to my Mum I know she knows but I try to play it down. She's getting old and I should be looking after her, not the other way round. 
I wish someone would do something. I know that's not possible. It's me, I'm the one who has to do something. I just don't know how right now. I'm supposed to be a strong, intelligent, independent woman. Right now I feel like a pathetic , weak, stupid creature.
Whatever happens, I am trying my hardest to beat this and that's all I can do.


Appointment with anxiety

I have a shrink appointment at 8:20 am tomorrow.

Which means I am now a nervous wreck. Always have been before any appointment, even ones I looked forward to. It’s a deviation in routine, it sets me on edge. Plus, this is so early in the morning, I live in terror of not being able to fall asleep, then falling off and oversleeping. Doctors can be very unforgiving when you miss appointments.

No matter how many times I tell myself it’s no big deal, I just get anxious anyway. Perhaps from having so many dismissive doctors in my life, I come to equate appointments as being unhelpful and more stress than its worth.

And I think I am dreading this appointment more than usual because I really need to come clean and admit the Cymbalta is setting off manic behaviors. I need Lithium, loathe as I am to face it. But will she believe me? She has this way of being dismissive and making me feel like I sprouted two heads and suggested blood as  a secondary fuel source. Seroquel makes you sleepy? No, that never happens , it’s not a side effect. Even if the pharmacy and manufacturer website say it is, she disputes it.

Frustrating.

I have that home  visit FRiday morning by Spook’s new pre school teacher. I have been trying to get the place spiffied up but my god, these neighbor kids are rabid little beasts. They never stop asking for stuff. They never stop bickering. They never stop breaking my kid’s stuff and trying to sneak off with her clothes and toys. And my bitchy side wants to band those particular two kids (mail thief and her sister) but I don’t know if my motives are logical or just emotion taking over because they piss me off so much with their rudeness.

Now all kids are tucked into their respective homes and beds and…I am tired. Very tired. The counselor says all these kids are sapping me of energy I simply don’t have to spare. I think she is right. I wish these two girls had parents who gave a damn. But the fact a cop came to their door and their kid was opening and stealing mail…and they sent her right back to my house to play instead of making her stay home and learn a lesson…They’re not going to conducive to anything I have to say. And the kids act like I am not even there if I try to be assertive. Which does send me into emotional territory, as in angry, and I don’]t make good statements or choices when angry.

I feel trapped by these kids.

I went passive aggressive tonight because I sent them away, told them Spook was napping and to come back after supper.

20 minutes later they came back. I let them knock.

They knocked loud and hard for ten solid minutes.

My kid woke up and I was the bad guy for not answering the door.

I cannot win. I am being run out of my home by all these crappy people. Well, crappy behavior by people who perhaps don’t know any better. I want to believe that. Sometimes, though, no matter how pretty a picture you paint, people are just hideous toads.

R called me 5 times today. Even asked me to come in and help him look for something on what was supposed to be my day free since he had nothing for me to do. I took my kid with me. He did not ask me to stay. Ha ha ha. She annoyed him into submission. I just don’t get why he couldn’t make it one day without needing me to fetch stuff. Seriously. He’s pathetic.

Now…I need to ponder a shower and figure out what else about my home could possibly be considered unfit for a kid and used against me. Ok, my dust bunnies are prehistoric sabretooth variety, but they have never bitten anyone…Sigh…

I may not be able to breathe again until my kid turns 18 and all this school shit is done. I try to view it as a new experience where good things are possible..But hey that’s what I thought when I started letting her play with the neighbor kids. Now I am being stalked in my own home and can’t relax at any given time.

Good things could happen.

About as likely as a snowball surviving in hell.

Meh.