There is Hope

It’s hard to believe it has been over two months since I was released from the hospital. A lot has happened in that time. In some ways it seems like just yesterday and in other ways it seems like light years away. In that time I have spent many hours thinking about what happened to me, and more importantly why. I still don’t have answers. I don’t think I ever will. If I’m honest with myself I realize that it all began months before my hospitalization. It may have begun with being laid off. That happened in February. The day after my lay off I felt so much gratitude that I cried. I looked up at the sky and said thank you repeatedly. I felt so blessed to have the gift of time. I had been struggling to be happy in my job, so it seemed like an amazing opportunity. Six months later my view is completely different. I’m having a hard time finding a new job. It has been a process. I will never again take a job for granted. Having a job is a privilege, and one I never fully appreciated until now.
When I first left the hospital I thought I was all better. It takes stepping back to realize that wasn’t the case. The day I left the hospital I was still caught up in my delusions. I still believed I could telepathically communicate the day after I was home. I even heard a voice call my name the next day. I knew I was getting better, but I wasn’t there yet. The weeks after I was home I thought I was back to normal. Now I know that wasn’t the case. In the last few weeks friends and family have started to say I’m back to my old self. I’m smiling and laughing. I didn’t realize I wasn’t doing those things until after the fact. My smile felt uncomfortable – like a new facial expression. That’s when I realized I hadn’t been smiling. Sometimes you don’t know what you’re missing until it returns.
When I left the hospital I was devastated that I had to take my medication. It was my nightmare. Now my medication has been cut down to the point where I feel hopeful. I’m on a very low dosage of Zyprexa and Lithium. When I first got out of the hospital I had such bad tremors that it was difficult to do basic things like put on makeup. It made me feel defective. Tremors are a side effect of Lithium and now that I’m on a lower dosage I’m shaking much less. I feel human again.
I’m not sure what the next few months entail, but I know I’m excited to find out. I’m not scared or nervous like I was. I feel hopeful.

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