Too exhausted and frustrated to even get up for a glass of water, I rolled over to the nightstand beside my bed and rummaged around in the dark for my bottle of Klonopin last night. Once I found It, I fished out a pill and just chewed it. (I learned years ago during an anxiety attack when I had no water immediately available to me they don’t have a bitter or unpleasant taste.) I just need a fucking mute button for my brain and a good nights sleep.
Toss, turn, toss toss turn, meditate, meditate, pray, imagine simply the color white and focus on white noise, read for a while, pray some more, breathing exercises…none of it works sometimes. Last night was one of those times.
It often feels/sounds like I have 2 brains sometimes. One that does all the things it needs to in order to function, work, live an independent life, have conversations, multitask like a mad woman and process information, etc… It’s “the main brain.” The other, runs simultaneously alongside “brain number 1″ yet seems to run independent of my choosing. Counting by 2′s 3′s and 5′s, hearing and repeating pieces of songs, word patterns forming when I read, odd urges, thoughts, scenarios playing out and such on repeat, ALL THE TIME, fast and loud. Most of the time, I can keep “brain number 2″ running in the background and at a lower decibel. (Thanks psychotropic meds and therapy!) However, as of late, “brain number 2″ seems to be getting louder and louder again. This affects me the greatest amount at work and when trying to sleep.
Unfortunately, you cannot just say “hey, brain number 2, turn it down or knock it off for a bit! I’m trying to function or sleep!” Well… You can (and I have) but it doesn’t listen. Is there a correlation between “brain number 2″ and stress/ anxiety levels? Probably. Have I done every possible thing to properly deal with and try to decrease my stress? Absolutely. Does chronic pain contribute to the already existing sleep issues? Yes. Other than adding yet another psychotropic drug that makes me a zombie and unable to function properly, even at a low dose, do I see any other options? No. And I hate it.
*All prescription drugs have been prescribed