Daily Archives: July 17, 2013

Smile

Light the way
Show us it’s okay
Okay to play
To forget all that is gray
To find the joy
It’s not a ploy
You can find love and laughter
Even if it is after
After you let go
Say no
Say no to feelings that are bad
All that is sad
Move forward
Be heard
Smile
Stay for a while
With that look on your face
At first it will feel out of place
The more you do it
The more you’ll improve from it
Just fake it
Smile and you’ll make it

A New Day

Banishing negativity
Getting rid of that which you can’t see
It will still be me
I’ll be beaming positivity
Like a light in the dark
Or a walk through the park
I will let it shine
It will be mine
I can control this
Take a hold of this
Bad feelings won’t be missed
Good feelings will take place
They will be replace
All the bad that came before
It’s time to open a new door

Vincent

I posted this beautiful tribute to Vincent Van Gogh a few months back.  Since then I’ve gained many new readers and I decided to show it again.  Because I can relate to the pain that Vincent had during his lifetime, I feel a deep bond with him.  There are many creative tributes to Vincent on Youtube, but this is the best I’ve seen.  Watch the video and then please let me know what you think.

Breaking the Silence of Stigma: In Memory of Kaitlyn

Kaitlyn, Rohonda's daughter

In Memory of my daughter, Kaitlyn Nicole Elkin

On April 11, 2013, I got the most dreaded call that any parent could ever get, a call from the police in the town where my 23 year old daughter Kaitlyn was starting her 3rd year of medical school at Wake Forest School of Medicine.  He said he had to talk with me about my daughter and that I had to go there to be told what he had to say.  I begged this man to tell me then, as I would have a 3 and a half hour drive to Winston-Salem.   My initial split second thought was, “Kaitlyn is in trouble!  She’s never been in trouble in her life,” then my thoughts turned to other things and the blood left my body as he told me what happened. He said that she was deceased.  I envisioned her getting into an auto accident and when I asked him what had happened, he said that she had taken her own life.  My world and everything I’ve ever known came crashing to an end at that moment.

How could this have happened?  My daughter seemed to be the most together person I have ever known in my life.  Graduated valedictorian from Whiteville High School, graduated summa cum laude from Campbell university in 2 and a half years and got accepted to medical school where she could pursue her lifelong dream of being a doctor and she was doing extremely well in it.  She had friends; she had just taken a Step One medical board exam that she felt she did well on.  She was an artist, a writer, avid runner, she had common sense and was wise well beyond her years.  She was excelling and seemed to have the world in her grasp.

I had just seen Kaitlyn the weekend before as she had come home for a few days for Easter.  We had a wonderful mother/daughter day and we went shopping, out to eat and the movies.  We had a wonderful time and she seemed totally happy.  How could this have happened?

She wrote my husband and I a two page suicide note, (as well as letters to some of her friends and her sister Stephanie.)  In this letter she stated that she had been sad all of her life and had worked very hard all her life to hide it and protect us from it.  She said that she knew she would have been a successful doctor, wife and mother, but that she was exhausted from the weight of the sadness she has had all her life, could not go on, and this is what made sense to her.  She stated that I might wonder why she had not sought help and that she did not know why herself.

She was a high achiever, but we never put any pressure on her to succeed because she set these high goals for herself.

The reason I am writing this letter is to tell all parents, friends, or spouses, that no matter how happy someone seems to be, there may be a devastating depression within that they are hiding.  Parents, ask your children from time to time, “how are you really doing” and make them talk about their feelings.  As you do this, I hope that they are forthcoming with you, my daughter was not and we had a very good and close relationship.

I’m devastated by her loss, lost in a sea of “what could have been”, the wonderful life that she could have continued to have had.  But I celebrate her life, thanking God that I had the honor of having this beautiful being in my life for 23 years.  But I wish I had more.

If this letter helps at least one person to come forward with their depression, or a loved one to ask about it and have that child open up to them, then it is worth it.

Rest in peace my beautiful daughter, the peace that I thought you already had.  And as I’ve always told you, I love you bigger than the universe.

Rhonda Sellers Elkins

Clarkton, NC


Did I shave my legs for this?

Today sucked. Not traumatic, just one little thing after another going wrong. A whiny sick kid glued to my hip. I just took her to the shop with me. Spare myself my mom making me feel evil for going in when my kid is not feeling well. Plus, she was my excuse to flee the second he got back. Not that fleeing into 92  degree heat with even my pancreas sweating was more appealing.

Kids were on the door before I could even get it unlocked and go pee. I am letting them overstay their welcome since they are allegedly moving by the first of August and I know Spook loves them. But if I see that girl Damiana twice a year, I will be perfectly content. Annoying doesn’t begin to cover it.

My day started out with 1.) dumping my loose tobacco all over the carpet ten mins before I intended to leave. Then I couldn’t find my glasses and spent an hour only to discover the cats knocked them behind the tv stand. My kid was recovering courtesy of Tylenol so it was juggling razor blades for my central nervous system what with her being the tazmanian adhd devil. Got halfway down the road before I realized I forgot to put the trash at the curb, so I had to come back.

Needless to say, I was exasperated and on the edge of panic and anger. I just hate days like this. I know shit happens, I just prefer it to be meted out in increments, not bam, bam, bam, on after another. My fragile psyche can’t roll with that many punches.

But it is now 10 pm and I get to relax and I likely won’t have to be at the shop tomorrow and I think I can finally breathe.

Just one of those days where you ask, “Did I shave my legs for THIS?”

Blah.