Daily Archives: July 5, 2013

Under Pressure

Once again I’m finding myself under a lot of pressure, today starting with overeating.   Yesterday, Maurice and I, walked down to a BBQ restaurant in our neighborhood and I ate like a king.   A gluttonous king, of course.   Then we went to the movies and I had a large dark chocolate bar.  Then, when we got home I topped it all off with some ice cream sandwiches.  Granted the ice cream sandwiches were low calorie, however, if you eat enough of them the calories add up.  Two days before my Weight Watchers weigh in is not a good day to overindulge.  Normally I’d shrug it off, but as I said recently, the scale has not been my friend lately.  I’ll survive, but I’ll freak if I gain weight again this week.

I have a lot going on at school on Tuesday.  I have to present a speech which has to be written,  I have a test which I have to study for, and I have a special project to do.  So much for a long vacation weekend.

In addition to all that I have a lot of projects to take care of before the sermon I’ll be conducting at the end of July.

As I said in a recent post, my world keeps getting bigger and bigger.  Sometimes I’m thrilled, sometimes I’m scared, but either way it ain’t easy.

 

 

Which Way To…

Allo, lovely folks out in the blogosphere! I’m still doing mainly okay, mood wise. Having said that, I continue to be low/no-energy to the point of near-chronic fatigue. And my favorite bit? I seem to be going through a patch of ‘insomnia’.

I use quotation marks around insomnia, because wiki suggests that my symptoms are more likely a circadian rhythm issue than insomnia. After all, I had severe problems with sleep paralysis through most of my Air Force tenure. My current issue is simply difficulty getting to sleep. Once I’m out, I’m out; I’ve not seen sleep paralysis since I stopped working day shift — seriously folks, some of us are 500% not wired to work ‘normal’ hours. It is that dangerous and detrimental for me. I currently go to bed somewhere between midnight and say… 1:30am (depending on how long I’m reading), and get up for 9:30am. I’m able to do this to preserve my health, and to be able to work, so you betcha that’s what I’m going to do.

Still, I waffle on how I feel about my ‘insomnia’. Even in the worst non-medicated times, I can count on one hand how often I’d be up for more than say… 2 hours. Now that I’m on Seroquel and its glorious knock-out drop side effect, issues with getting to sleep are almost non-existent… almost. I’m gobbling Melatonin at night right now to try and kick the cycle into staying happy, but as intimated — I’m still in a pretty strong patch of can’t get to sleep easily-itis.

I’m sure it will pass sooner rather than later and I can go back to feeling sheepish for complaining for losing *maybe* an hour a night of sleep, but for now, I’m bemused as to why it’s happening. Is there some lingering depression or hypomania that I’m not picking up on right now ’cause I’m so physically worn out? It would be nice to have an understanding of why it’s shown up, but much like my occasional migraine, I’ve yet to be able to tie it to anything concrete.

Ah well, so it goes. Hope everyone is doing well, and has fun plans for the weekend/had fun yesterday/etc!

<3

The post Which Way To… appeared first on The Scarlet B.

I went, I socialized…so why don’t I feel better?

The big theory behind depression/anxiety/mood swings/et al is that we isolate ourselves therefore we lack social interaction and thus it makes us feel the way we do.

Well,I went to the July 4th shindig at R’s and my mental health doesn’t feel any better. If anything it feels worse. Because I have a weak psyche and being around other people just illuminates the fact that I do not belong anywhere, and people aren’t all that shy about pointing it out to me.

BUT I did manage to the hardest part for myself, which is the initial approach when people are already there and you have to arrive and have all eyes on you. That part is always a mega bucket of suck. Though now that I have a kid as a buffer, perhaps it is less sucky. Or my distorted thinking just tells me that people focus on the adorable kid instead of the uncomfortable mom. And I was uncomfortable, for half the people I didn’t know. Plus, it’s just never going to stop being awkward hanging out with my ex bf and his current wife. I should be totally at ease with that sort of weirdness, considering my family get togethers include my dad and the woman he left my mom for and their teenage son. It just never ceases to be odd, even if it does become the norm. With R, I just can’t shake the feeling that I have REJECT written on my forehead. I am aware this is purely psychological but it won’t go away.

I survived. Eventually even started to have a little fun. Oh, well, not fun. I mean, I was in suburban hell, after all. Surrounded by R’s owners and minions and their love of classic rock music from the 70′s which in my book has NO balls. And the “band” performance was almost comical with R oversinging because he drank too much. It was all around awkward. But honestly, no one mistreated me specifically so I should have no complaint.

Yet…

I do, I just won’t mention them. Though I will mention how I went into the shop per R’s request on a holiday, with my kid in tow due to sitter stuff, and when he asked me to go get lunch, his son in law who was there said, “You’re going to feed them supper, y0u don’t have to buy them lunch too.”

UM, what??? I was asked to come to the shop. I was invited to the cookout. I even asked if I could bring anything and was told no. SOOO this whole statement he made really pissed me off because it was, without being blunt, basically saying I am using R to buy me and my kid stuff. Or am I just being too sensitive?

I doubt it.

But in spite of the oddness and discomfort, I went and survived and my kid had fun. I just don’t feel any better. The whole time I was there all I could think was, I could be home on the internet or watching The Killing…Because that is more fun to me than hanging out with a bunch of late 40′s early 50′s types drinking too much and trying to be rock stars. I’m sorry if it sounds  mean but it is true. And perhaps therein lies my biggest problem. I am busy trying to be what I am SUPPOSED to be and it makes me miserable whereas just being who I am makes me content and happy.

I just have so much concern for my kid and I want her to learn the social skills I don’t have. So basically I torture myself on her behalf and I wonder if it’s “sucking it up” or punishing myself. Because there was no fun in hanging out with Ursula, his eldest, who swatted her 15 month old on the butt four times while we were there. There was no fun with Ursula’s drunken friend telling me I am slow and “How do you hang out with this bunch if you’re so slow?” There was no fun being excluded from the “lady festivities” in which not one of the women could even speak to me but instead horded up inside making mixed drinks and purposely excluding me.

(Though the last one could easily be my fault since I have never been one of the hen fest crowd and don’t exactly break my neck to become part of it.)

It was just weird.

I’d rather have been home watching The Killing.

I am just a wallflower homebody I guess.

It just annoys me that I do what I am “supposed” to do to feel better mentally…Yet it leaves me feeling more hollow inside. Maybe some of us are more content with selective isolation. Why must we conform and meet the status quo when it just makes us miserable?

Ok, done with the venting. I have to be at the shop at 8am because R has a(nother) funeral to attend.

I am just emotionally drained.

Socialization sucks.

If that makes me anti social, so be it.