Daily Archives: July 1, 2013

Fleeting

So…Last post this morning I was saying how I felt more stable…

HAHA HAHAHAHAHHAHHAHA

All it took was a stop by the shop, being near R and Kenny. BOOM. I became super depressed (because R just ignored me, like I have leprosy and might pass it on) and Kenny asked if I wanted to go home and he could babysit R today.

Okay, points to Kenny for expressing a genuine sympathetic concern, since he could obviously pick up on me not feeling well. Though scumbag brain keeps telling me it was totally insincere and perfunctory. As in, Niki is not in happy fun ball mode, let’s get her out of here. Which lead to the “Nobody wants me around unless my mood is good, which happens so rarely…” I know a lot of this stuff is my own idiocy, but the distorted thoughts are just so damned overpowering.

When I finally managed to get R’s attention to tell him I needed something, he basically said ok and ushered me off with, “Hope you get to feeling better soon.”

Again, about as sincere as a weather forecast.

Then I found out this 4th of July thing of theirs I agreed to is going to be a three ring circus as well, so I’m going to have to develop ebola or something to get out of it. I cannot do the crowd thing. I cannot do the drinking thing. I cannot do it. As I told Kenny, I need new friends. If the only way to belong with this bunch is to be in a chronic happy fun ball mood and drink heavily…I can do better, even if it’s just hanging out alone.

It’s so depressing.

I keep asking myself, “What are you doing to make people not care about you sincerely?”

And other than my sarcasm, macabre humor, and the mood swings, I honestly don’t see anything all that fatal about myself.

Of course, when I relayed to my mom about how Shane came to down and didn’t even come see me, she asked, “What’d you do to piss Shane off?”

I DID NOT DO ANYTHING!

I sent him an email after Spook was born, he emailed back, congratulated me. There was no ill will that I knew of, but hey, my own mother assumes it’s my fault, so it must be, right?

I am a social misfit.

And I can’t seem to rise above it because while I am not my disorders, they are such an integrated part of my existence, I don’t know how to contain them so they don’t impact others and alienate them.

Stability is so fleeting.

And feeling good about myself is just damn near impossible.

But I am allowing everyone around me to make me feel inferior. How do I not do that when I recognize they are not without valid points? I can be annoying and my instability is problematic and I do have social issues I can’t seem to overcome…

I still don’t see what is so bad about me. I have a lot of good qualities. I am just not surrounded by people with enough intelligence and compassion to focus on the good. And by focusing on the mood swings, like it’s just something I do to piss people off or be histrionic, well, they don;t accept me so I don’t accept them and obsess about finding fault with them.

It’s petty and asinine.

But it’s not likely to end any time soon. Unless these people can grow the hell up and recognize I have a disorder that may make me unpleasant at times, but if it were simply my personality, there would be no happy fun ball days, no good moods, no good traits for them to want me around.

People are the bane of my existence.

Yet in my current emotional state, I want more than anything to find a place to fit in with people who get me.

Which is at odds with my comfortable loner “fuck you” personality.

The counselor said I am not borderline, but I am starting to wonder. Seems I am split down the middle on everything.

But I suppose it’s hard to evolve when the repeating theme in your life is being surrounded by people who “care in their own way”, which means they won’t do shit to care for what you might need, or accept  you as you are, but it doesn’t mean they don’t care. And in true psycho fashion, it’s the only way I know how to be because it is all I have ever gotten. I can’t love anyone, aside from my kid, whole heartedly because I have never been loved that way myself.

I have no idea what to do about it, especially since in a couple of hours, my mood will probably change, my mental space will go somewhere else, and this will all be lost in the mix.

Why must everything about me be so damned fleeting….


Trying to “Weight” Patiently

scale

The last time I posted about my weight was about 3 weeks ago. I weighed 218 pounds. Since then I gained a bit here and lost a bit there. Overall, unfortunately, I gained more than I lost. On Saturday I had my Weight Watchers weekly weigh in and I weigh 223 pounds. 5 pounds gained in the last 3 weeks! (sigh)

At one point I was at 90 pounds total lost. Saturday I was net 80 pounds lost. When I was at 90 I was feeling so close to a total of 100 I could taste it. I couldn’t wait until it was announced to the group that I lost 100 lbs. I imagined all the “oohs” and “aahs” and a big round of applause. I gained a little and then lost again right back to 90 pounds total lost. Then I started gaining again up to the point where I am now. It seems like there’s this 90 lb barrier that I just can’t pass.

I was frustrated so I talked with my team leader and she asked if it was self sabotage in some way. I certainly never did it on a conscious level. Could it be possible that it’s self sabotage on a sub-conscious level? I’m not sure. I certainly hope not, but it is something to consider.

On a positive note, Maurice and I both gave our “fat” clothes to Goodwill, and bought just enough new ones to get by before we lost more weight. So far I still fit comfortably in them. I’d be devastated if I had to go buy my old size again.

Sweating the small stuff

I feel more stable today. Unfortunately, I am still in crampy pain and very low. I have less than zero desire to interact with others. Dealing with kid and cats is about tapping me out and I have been awake two hours.

Already got a text from R about coming. Told him “shark week, in pain, may pop in later.”

You gotta admit, calling a monthly period “shark week” kinda makes it less gross and sort of funny. For years it was “the curse” but I have really warmed to calling it shark week. Because much like Jaws, I would like to eat everyone because I am just so off kilter.

My kitten Wednesday is crawling on me. She is a “face cat”, meaning she is constantly climbing on me and getting in my face. She’s very sweet and normally I wouldn’t care. Today, every tiny thing seems like rubbing my central nervous system against a cheese grater.

I do NOT want to take a shower. I relish the idea of cooling off, feeling clean, but it seems like such a cumbersome task. I once loved showers. Now in the ever changing mental states, it is one more chore I have to tend to.

And I DO sweat the small stuff. I know I shouldn’t but I do.

Gaping head wound gushing blood like a geyser? Staunch the bleeding and I will get you to emergency room.

Overdose? Try to stay talking and I will rush you to the hospital.

Unwashed dishes, unfolded laundry, cats climbing on me, kid having a tantrum…PANIC PANIC PANIC, I CANNOT DO THIS, IT’S TOO MUCH, OMG, I AM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!

My wiring is so screwed up it’s not even comical anymore.At 40 years old, all this mental stuff just reeks of immaturity and it is humiliating. I just don’t know how to rewire my brain. And part of my confusion is the differing opinions of the mental health professionals. One says it’s the bipolar and panic, one says it’s all bad behavior I have to unlearn, one says it’s a combination of both. I have NO idea if I am working on stuff that’s trademark bipolar and panic or if it is indeed something behavioral I need to work on changing.

So I sweat the confusion and wonder if all the work I am doing in therapy is trying to correct the disorder or trying to correct all my personality flaws, in which case, why am I bothering with the meds if it’s all just me acting badly?

Confusion reigns supreme.

So today I am trying to breathe and ride out the worst of shark week, but I am so busy sweating the small stuff, I  can barely think straight. Every little thing is like nails on a chalkboard. I feel like I am nothing. R;s wife sent a text last night asking us to a cook out for july 4th. And by that time, I felt so insignificant, like I had melted away to nothing more than a caregiver for Spook, that I replied, “I think she would like that.” As if I have no opinion because I am nothing.

People talk about “snapping out” of these mind frames, but the mental distortion is so real and all consuming, snapping out is not feasible. One must simply ride it out. Hope for a brain reboot. Or a mood shift.

Though I’d trade everything I have and am just for some stability. My entire existence has revolved around inconsistency and instability. Nothing every stays the same, except the neuroses and disorders keep evolving, getting worse, morphing. Hard not to sweat the small stuff when you have so little control over the big stuff.

Frustrated,I am, Sam I am.Please put Valium in my green eggs and ham.

Because I am nothing for today. I am caregiver for my child.

Hopefully by Wednesday I will be my bad ass self again. This whiny pathetic version  of me needs to fuck off and die.

But I guess I can’t deny nor reject that it is indeed a part of the whole that is me and without feeling this vulnerability and self disgust, I might well be a different person. Even a bad person.

Everything happens for a reason. Or so I am told.

Now…off to do battle with scumbag brain over tossing myself into the shower. Such a basic thing, yet like climbing up hill with a boulder on my back during altered mental states.

This is the stuff the professionals never hear about because they don’t have time or inclination. This is what makes my situation so debilitating. This is what makes me. Less than zero, more than nothing, awesome, despicable.

Get a different answer on any given day how I feel about myself.

My kingdom for some consistency. And a hubcap sized salt lick containing Valium.

 


In Pieces (Knit Progress)

It’s not Sunday, but as I didn’t post on Sunday, I shall babble momentarily about crafts today!

I made myself pick up the little cardigan I’ve been knitting, and made myself finish the section I’ve been working on. I stalled because I screwed up the tension in one part, and it annoyed me. It annoyed me a lot, and I even considered starting over the entire section again, or making a third, or something. The main things that prevented me from doing that was wool frugality (waste not, want not), and not having any sort of guarantee that I wouldn’t screw up in the same exact way again. I have to keep reminding the uber-perfectionist part of my brain that this is my first proper knit project, and it’s not going to be perfect. ‘Perfection’ will only come with much practice (as the old adage goes).

Laid out in approximate order.

Laid out in approximate order.

As you can see, it’s coming along fairly nicely. I opted to crochet a little teddy bear head shape to try and help distract from the weird spot of tension; I may or may not try to embroider it. I’ve never embroidered anything, but I think I understand the basic principle. There’s also the issue of what colours I’d have to use to make a little face stand out, but ah well. The other slpork of brown is a tiny pocket that the pattern calls for, and I’m currently working on the cuffs. I don’t know that I’ll finish it off tonight, but at least I’m making myself get back to doing it.

Binding off the pocket. Right needles goes into back stitch!

Binding off the pocket. Right needles goes into back stitch!

Now that I’m getting near the end of the knitting point, my mind turns to other projects. I feel like the door has been thrown wide open, though I’ll probably opt to do the next pattern in this book (which is another child cardigan, though this one looks more Lilbit-sized). I’ve also got a ‘free’ owl I can do from a knit magazine, though I’ll need to make sure I’ve got proper glue and stuffing for that toy (and to get the random square off of my 4mm needles, hee hee). So yeah, I’m feeling really good about knitting now that I’m getting into it. I need to make sure to not neglect my crochet though — I need to pick what my next project is, besides the blanket that I’m working on in passing (and of course, it’s much too warm for it now!).

Past that, I continue to feel really worn down. I had a migraine yesterday, and I think that another one might be trying to trigger itself today. I had a random stab of pain in a temple, which isn’t a normal sign for me, but it’s still a sign in close proximity to having already had one. I’m trying to make sure to eat and drink, and I took a nice hot bath too to try and soak out any muscular ick. At least the worst part of it for me is losing my vision to auras for half an hour — I get very cross at (what I call) Price is Right vision — it’s restricted, and full of stars. And that half hour gives me ample time to take co-codamol, so I manage to cut the worst of the pain off at the pass. And because my life is an agony of light sensitivity, I don’t have to go hide in dark room nine times out of ten, ’cause it was already bothering me to begin with. /brightside

Anyhoos, back to trying to hydrate, and knitting. Hopefully that’ll spare my eyes and head, ’cause not backlit. We’ll see. I hope everyone out there is doing well.

<3

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