So…Last post this morning I was saying how I felt more stable…
All it took was a stop by the shop, being near R and Kenny. BOOM. I became super depressed (because R just ignored me, like I have leprosy and might pass it on) and Kenny asked if I wanted to go home and he could babysit R today.
Okay, points to Kenny for expressing a genuine sympathetic concern, since he could obviously pick up on me not feeling well. Though scumbag brain keeps telling me it was totally insincere and perfunctory. As in, Niki is not in happy fun ball mode, let’s get her out of here. Which lead to the “Nobody wants me around unless my mood is good, which happens so rarely…” I know a lot of this stuff is my own idiocy, but the distorted thoughts are just so damned overpowering.
When I finally managed to get R’s attention to tell him I needed something, he basically said ok and ushered me off with, “Hope you get to feeling better soon.”
Again, about as sincere as a weather forecast.
Then I found out this 4th of July thing of theirs I agreed to is going to be a three ring circus as well, so I’m going to have to develop ebola or something to get out of it. I cannot do the crowd thing. I cannot do the drinking thing. I cannot do it. As I told Kenny, I need new friends. If the only way to belong with this bunch is to be in a chronic happy fun ball mood and drink heavily…I can do better, even if it’s just hanging out alone.
It’s so depressing.
I keep asking myself, “What are you doing to make people not care about you sincerely?”
And other than my sarcasm, macabre humor, and the mood swings, I honestly don’t see anything all that fatal about myself.
Of course, when I relayed to my mom about how Shane came to down and didn’t even come see me, she asked, “What’d you do to piss Shane off?”
I DID NOT DO ANYTHING!
I sent him an email after Spook was born, he emailed back, congratulated me. There was no ill will that I knew of, but hey, my own mother assumes it’s my fault, so it must be, right?
I am a social misfit.
And I can’t seem to rise above it because while I am not my disorders, they are such an integrated part of my existence, I don’t know how to contain them so they don’t impact others and alienate them.
Stability is so fleeting.
And feeling good about myself is just damn near impossible.
But I am allowing everyone around me to make me feel inferior. How do I not do that when I recognize they are not without valid points? I can be annoying and my instability is problematic and I do have social issues I can’t seem to overcome…
I still don’t see what is so bad about me. I have a lot of good qualities. I am just not surrounded by people with enough intelligence and compassion to focus on the good. And by focusing on the mood swings, like it’s just something I do to piss people off or be histrionic, well, they don;t accept me so I don’t accept them and obsess about finding fault with them.
It’s petty and asinine.
But it’s not likely to end any time soon. Unless these people can grow the hell up and recognize I have a disorder that may make me unpleasant at times, but if it were simply my personality, there would be no happy fun ball days, no good moods, no good traits for them to want me around.
People are the bane of my existence.
Yet in my current emotional state, I want more than anything to find a place to fit in with people who get me.
Which is at odds with my comfortable loner “fuck you” personality.
The counselor said I am not borderline, but I am starting to wonder. Seems I am split down the middle on everything.
But I suppose it’s hard to evolve when the repeating theme in your life is being surrounded by people who “care in their own way”, which means they won’t do shit to care for what you might need, or accept you as you are, but it doesn’t mean they don’t care. And in true psycho fashion, it’s the only way I know how to be because it is all I have ever gotten. I can’t love anyone, aside from my kid, whole heartedly because I have never been loved that way myself.
I have no idea what to do about it, especially since in a couple of hours, my mood will probably change, my mental space will go somewhere else, and this will all be lost in the mix.
Why must everything about me be so damned fleeting….