I’m grateful for the meds I take that are making me a more productive member of society. On the other hand, they keep taking me away from my safety zone. As miserable as I was during my major bouts of depression at least my world was small. I only had to worry about the world in my tiny apartment. Getting sleep, eating, watching tv when I could. Hell, I didn’t even worry about the bills. I would just toss them into the bottom drawer of my dresser to wait for another day.
Today my world is bigger and brighter…and scary as hell. Dammit, I have to be responsible. I really don’t have that much on my plate, but it sure feels that way. The things I have going on are:
- Getting the apartment cleaned up because we’ll have a guest over tomorrow night
- Having that guest over tomorrow night
- Completing a committee report for church that was due last week
- Finish writing a sermon that I will be doing next month
- Choosing the correct music for the sermon I’ll be doing next month
- Continue over the next 8 weeks the class I’m taking at school
- Find the best way (lowest cost) to purchase my textbook
To the average bear this probably doesn’t look like much, but it hangs heavy on me. Sadly there is another component that is making this a much harder load than it should be; I had a talk last night, with my ex wife, regarding my daughters visitation. The positive is that there was no battle, no explosions, no screaming, no name calling. The conversation was amazingly civil, but, we did not come to an agreement. When it comes to my daughter I generally write very little. Partially for her safety and partially out of respect for her mother. Therefore, I won’t go into detail other than to say the discussion didn’t go my way and my heart hangs heavy.
It’s times like this that I wish I could close the blinds and curl up here in my tiny apartment and keep my world small. Sadly, that’s just not an option anymore.