So, this is how far down on the food chain I am with my illustrious “friend” slash “boss” :He couldn’t take two minutes to call me himself last night, he outsourced it to his wife. Which is fine, I’d rather talk to her anyway, since she is aware I am a human being and not simply a procurer of parts to fix the busted stuff. Still…
She told me he said to take Tuesday off because his friend Mark would be coming in to help him. I would be a little miffed except it means he actually LISTENED to me yesterday when I explained that the reason I don’t like to be there when his friends are is because I’d rather be with my kid instead of letting my mom warp her some more.
Now logical brain is ecstatic that he actually HEARD me for once.
Paranoid brain, on the other hand, has decided to start throwing out these little messages: “Maybe this is his passive aggressive way of punishing you for daring to speak up.” “You’ve been waiting to get thrown under the bus, watch out for those wheels, it’s coming!” “You’ve alienated him so much with your moods that now he doesn’t even want to tell you to fuck off, he has to have his wife talk to you.”
If ever I feel a moment of peacefulness, my scumbag brain is there to ruin it. And of course, the “professionals” are always there to point out the paranoid thoughts are in keeping with the facets of my disorders and that logically, I know it’s just misfiring in my brain.
Unfortunately, that paranoid misfiring has been right often enough to make very wary of it. Maybe my paranoia isn’t logical, but being on the receiving end of the worst people have to offer is just my life. I pissed in someone’s Cheerio’s at some point and have been paying for it ever since. If there’s a knife in a 50 mile radius, chances are, it’s spent some quality time plunged into my back.
Sound whiny? Like I’m portraying myself to be a victim? How I wish it were. Because after being stabbed in the back so many times for no reason other than knowing crappy people, you start to question yourself, your actions, your entire existence. Which leads to the bad bad “I should just die” thoughts.
Again, scumbag brain at its finest.
R says I am contrary. I prefer the term mercurial because my personality does change according to my mood swings. How could it not? It’s not something I do on purpose. “Oh, I asked for a vanilla shake so you gave me a vanilla shake? Now I don’t want it, I demand a chocolate shake!” Nope. Not that damn simplistic. But just judging on the days when my anxiety is skyrocketing and I have trouble simply making a phone call…Only to bound out of gate, intrepid and feisty, a couple of days later and call everyone and their dog and their’s dog’s cousin. It is all about state of mind, and the very definition of bipolar, especially cyclothymia disorder, is varying states of mind related to erratic mood swings. If it made sense, we’d have all the answers and could cure it. Being surrounded by people who lack the intelligence to grasp the facts is taking a toll on me yet again. I feel shitty enough ab0ut the bipolar. To have people who just assume it’s personality and basically dismiss me as too much of a pain in the ass is a thorn in my paw.
Once informed my presence would not be required, it’s like every muscle in my body unknotted and the tension dissipated and for the first time in weeks, I felt like I remembered how to breathe again. No rush to put my kid to bed, no hurry to ensconce myself in my bedroom. I played Neopet games. I watched Law and Order. I played with my kid. At 11, I put her to bed, then retired to my room and read until 3 am. No panic over having to get up and deal with the petri dish. Just relaxed clear mindspace. It was amazing. I took 25 mg of Trazadone because I knew other than getting up with my kid, I wouldn’t have to claw my way out of the hangover to function to R’s specs.
I was foggy and down when I got up. Now it’s almost 10:30 am. We ran out, she got a donut, I actually grabbed a slice of pizza for breakfast. Maybe I was just hungry, because while my mood isn’t up, it’s not down, either.
It’s amazing how much more functional I am when the pressure to perform to the expectations of others is removed. It definitely improves the mindspace.