Daily Archives: June 15, 2013

Battery Bunny Brain

I do NOT have obsessive compulsive disorder.

I DO however have an obsessive compulsive brain.

It latches onto a thought, and it won’t let go. Like a vinyl record skipping, it just rehashes, relives, ponders, tortures, stews, boils…It keeps going and going and going…

Last night at R and his wife’s house, R made a comment about, “Nik, you annoy the piss out of me but you come in and you get things done.” All he could have added to make me more pissed off was “That’s the only reason I keep you around.”

Thanks to bit of wine, I just countered with, “You annoy me too but you’re there for me and my kid in a pinch.”

Last year, he was all about being my friend, hanging out. I point blank asked me what about me annoyed him and he said nothing, he liked everything about me.

This year, suddenly I am the biggest pain in the ass ever and I harsh his mellow and I annoy him…

It coincides with the failure of my meds.

This is strangely familiar territory with this guy.

Last night I didn’t really focus on it.

Today, the statement keeps playing in my head again and again and while I keep telling myself I am being asinine and making a mountain of a molehole…He seriously offended me. I just don’t want to deal with him anymore. His wife annoys the piss out of me, and he thinks she’s the bees knees as long as she hasn’t pissed him off. So to tell me I am annoying when he’s the only one who can stand the woman he married just sticks in my craw.

He spends all week bitching about every tiny thing about the woman. He stomps out and stays gone all night when she angers him.

But she’s not annoying like me.

About the only time I have seen them interacting without bickering and showing any true affection for each other is when they’re both ten sheets to the wind.

And I see this, and I look at all the improvements I have made in myself, and I just literally want to wrap my fingers around his neck and strangle him.

I try the “consider the source” argument. I mean, obviously, he likes to be dominated by a woman, and that’s not really me, so I was never gonna win this one, even back then.

Then I remind myself the past is the past and why am I even wasting my limited brain capacity worrying about the opinion of a person so shallow he basically throws me under the bus every time my disorder makes me unpleasant to deal with.

OCD brain thought processes do not care. They just keep going, like a meth-ed up hamster on a wheel, running, faster faster faster, getting nowhere, and keeping on going.

I suppose the counselor would say I am “failing to regulate my thinking.”

Seems to me I fail at so many things, if I were a horse, they’d fucking shoot me.

The OCD brain thing isn’t limited to the bullshit with R. I cut someone off in traffic accidentally on Monday, I am still kicking myself and feeling guilty on Friday. Someone uses a strange tone or different wording, and I start wondering if they were joking or serious or mocking and it will weigh on my mind for days.

I may not have OCD but scumbag brain apparently opted in.

Ursula, R’s ball breaking psychologist oldest, dropped the grandbaby off last night then hung out for awhile. I watched her spank a 15 month old baby three swats hard on the butt. Sure, the baby slapped someone in the face and it was wrong, but I just cannot abide spanking such a young child. But then, Ursula was spanking the kid at 8 months. I will never understand some people.

My kid acted up and Mrs. R “punished” her by denying her a drink. I couldn’t really argue because it wasn’t my house and I forgot to bring Spook a drink.

I really felt like I was in hell with those people. I don’t fit in. And now knowing how little respect R truly has for  our alleged friendship, I am not convinced I will be endeavoring on any more outings.

Then I hear my noisey car spewing exhaust and know I have to suck it up and be tortured awhile longer because I can’t raise the money to fix the damn thing.

And right back to the OCD thoughts. I feel crappy on a daily basis going there, and now him having informed me what a detriment I am to him personally, I want to go even less. I mean, he’s fucking toxic to my mental well being. It would seem parting ways would be best for both of us. But he’s just too lazy to do the minion work at the shop and by his own words- I get shit done so it *almost* makes up for all the grief I cause him.

Yeah, the brain isn’t letting go of that any time soon and it does hold fucking grudges.

At least I haven’t had any severe mood or anxiety issues yet today. I can only juggle so many disorders at a time, ya know. I guess today’s special is ocd mental torture.

 


And the Poet Lifts His/((Her)) Pen…

A random vaguely applicable line from the lyrics of Thick as a Brick, the epic song//EP by Jethro Tull:

I’m very fond of this song — my mother and I used to listen to it most days on the way to school my Freshman and Sophomore years. I was already a fan of the Tull, and this song is so epic that it did me no harm hearing it that often. Heck, I even made a point to play it once in a grand while when I was still DJing, ’cause yanno… awesome.

Anyways, the line is apt because my brain is mulling on the possibility of organizing another work of fiction for NaNoWriMo. I’ve had a loose idea for an original piece in my head for years, but until I worn NaNo last year and finished my story this past week, I wasn’t sure I had a full work of fiction in me. Okay, it only came out to 201 print pages, but that was still pretty freaking awesome result for having a starting point of one sentence — ‘Raeyn leaves the White Tower, the end’.

Now, the nice thing is I’ve got until November to flesh out things if I so choose to. I have four and a half months to think, and then I have the end of October to see if my brain will randomly decide to cooperate for another year; it was seriously a surprise patch of functionality that I paid for dearly in the following month (I flourish in the winter months normally!). So that’s also a consideration — can I do it without harming myself overly? Not that I knew it would ricochet into depression then, but I can surmise it would do that were I to do the same.

I guess, for now, I will think about it, and maybe do a little bit at a time if I think it’s not going to send my brain into an overworked spin; as much as I like the concept of writing, it’s very stressful for my poor brain. But it’s also something that I think I am good at and can get better at, so it’s a balancing act like all things. *smiles*

For now though, I am going to kick back and enjoy some Simming, ’cause it’s a weekend and I should relax. I hope you guys are having an enjoyable time!

<3

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