Was “sick” today. Technically, I still have that chest thing so 20 minute coughing phlegm-a-paloozas don’t exactly scream that I feel great. But okay, maybe today was more a mental sickness day. Not that R cared, he had his shop ape Kenny there and didn’t text or call once all day, not even to inquire how I was doing. Proof that he just wants a fucking servant around all the time to listen to him and fetch stuff for him. It was the same last week, I said I wasn’t coming in, Kenny was there, my absence was unnoticed. Then came the next day, Kenny wasn’t there, I was still sick, but R guilted me and phone stalked me until I came in just to get him off my back.
The man is a piece of work. Manipulative, self absorbed, self centered, insensitive, cold, detached, work obsessed. Are these mere personality traits or a full blown disorder? I wish I knew how to tell. At this point, I have been labeled so much, I guess I have come to despise the term “personality disorder”. Think about it. EVERYONE DRAWING BREATH will have a personality disorder simply by having a unique personality.
But then, like alcoholism or drug use, is it a social thing, or is it the status quo? Is this man really that much of a jerk?
Oh, on the surface he is such a nice easy going generous man. Funny, personable, intelligent, talented at fixing things, decent guitarist, awesome song writer. If you were to only spend a couple of hours a week with him, well, he’d be prince fucking charming.
Spending hours and hours with him daily for this long, I am just bombarded with all his baggage and how crappy it makes me feel. This is a man who dumped me because I needed to change. Yeah, I will get right on that pill that cures mental illness, cos we’re all malingerers who have mood swings and depressions for your inconvenience.
I have changed drastically.
He has not changed at all, except now he’s the submissive partner in his relationship.
I don’t know why I thought it would be a good idea to go walking down this particular memory lane. Maybe I overestimated my own strength and ability to forgive and compartmentalize. Maybe if he had changed an iota I’d feel differently. But being reminded every day I had to overhaul everything about myself while he gets to remain exactly the same fucked up mess he always was…Tis hard to compartmentalize.
But it doesn’t bother him, it only bothers me. And trying to talk to him results in the guilt evoking “since you’re making such a big deal out of it…” I think it’s time to figure out my next move.
The last four days without him or his stupid busted stuff obsession have been so calm, so content for me. I haven’t had a bout of bad depression or anxiety. I haven’t questioned or doubted myself or felt shitty for simply being who I am, even though I am not “rising above it.” I have just enjoyed being a mom, reading, watching the cats play….
I don’t really know what I want.
I am glad I get to see sunshine spewer tomorrow. Though she almost never helps me, she just lets me prattle on until I can spin things into some form of logic for myself. That’s worth the money. NOT. But I need someone objective, because I am not. I can never ever be sure that what I am feeling is the real deal or some mood issue. The fact I have been feeling this way for so long kind of indicates it’s really a problem for me. I just don’t know what to do about it. Even though I know in the big picture, he won’t give a damn anyway because I failed to “rise above it” and do what he wants. So why I am concerned with conducting myself with professionalism and logic is beyond me.
But I think I’ve done enough time in atonement prison for this guy. I give and give and never receive.
Of course, then I wonder, am I being a spoiled brat and not being fair to him?
I honestly don’t think so. I have needs too. If we are friends as he claims, then am I not within my rights to expect at least a fraction of my needs be met? I wasn’t put on this planet simply to serve him. Nor him me. But quid pro quo isn’t such a bad thing.
Bottom line is, R is not going to change and I guess I have no right to expect him to. Fine, spifferdoodle. But it doesn’t mean I have to remain in the vortex of suck that is him devouring every vestige of joy and sanity from my life. I’m willing to plead weakness, I don’t have a strong enough psyche to handle it. Whatever.
It wouldn’t be such a “flee from the scene” feeling if he would just listen to me and let me come in three days a week. But noo, everything has to be his way even if most of the time I sit around looking at Reddit cos there’s nothing for me to do then he complains that all I care about is reading Reddit.
My stomach is already churning, because I honestly don’t want to go back, don’t even want to speak to him. Least not yet. I need to sort through the powderkeg in my head so I don’t spontaneously blow up on someone who doesn’t have it coming. But his lack of communication and willingness to listen have put me in a corner, and fight or flight is kicking in. And it’s my own fault, I let myself get yanked into the vortex of suck. Honestly our “friendship” is based on nothing broken electronics and alcohol. And I am tired of both.
But am I tired/tired, or am I just having the bipolar burn out that comes from stressing out for too long without a breather?
God, if I could just not be self aware, just be like everyone else and not give a damn who I hurt.
But then…I wouldn’t be me, and while it’s not fun being me, it is authentic. This is me. I care. View it as weakness.
I’m strong enough to take it.