Daily Archives: May 11, 2013

Prayers Needed over Abuse

I am almost done with the application process to get my Rx coverage and aid back. Whew! But until then I did have to utilize buying my Abilify through a cheaper route than my normal pharmacy. My new script for 2 months should be here in a week and until then I have samples.

But this is not why prayers are needed….

A friend of mine has a very abusive relationship with her husband. The emotional and verbal abuse are the worst and he has physically harmed her in the past and he is probably mentally ill because it runs in his family and to make matters worse he owns firearms. Worst of all ….they have two kids under the age of 12 caught in the mix. SO …. you can see why I am worried.

But there is more…

My best bud lives near my abused friend and in fact knew her first. After a few times hanging out with her I realized this relationship was going to end up with someone hurt badly and in turn that will hurt the kids. So all three of us came to the conclusion that a change HAD to happen. She bravely left him and filed a protective contact order against him. He went nuts and filed a bogus protective order against her to prevent her from seeing their children. Unfortunately the first court date went in his favor because he already had an attorney (friend of the family) and she had nothing but her word. So she has a nasty fight ahead of her. Until then she is staying with my friend and with me while she saves money for her attorney she just hired two days ago. She has also applied for food stamps to help out with food cost since everything she makes at her job goes to getting her kids back.

But I also want to pray for him the abuser so he might see the light and put what is best for his kids above what is going on in his not so stable mind. I pray he stops abusing drugs, I pray he gets a grip on his life, I pray he becomes a better man and stops with his insane jealousy issues on his next relationship.

For her I pray that she gains back custody when God knows she is ready, I pray she flourishes in life as do her kids, I pray they find every bit of happiness that living a stable life can give you.

For her kids I pray they are able to bounce back from this divorce and in turn find peace in life, I pray they excel at school and have a strong inner spirit. I pray they never become abusers or victims of abuse. I pray they become happy.

Bounce

As predicted…I arose from the ashes of last night’s unexplained mood of absolute anger…and feel mellow today. Not angry. Not happy. Not depressed. Not particularly anxious. I just am. Other than my kid driving me insane not listening and hounding me to go outside, of course. That is never not gonna be annoying. It’s a kid and mom thing.

But even though today has thus far been calm on the mood front…I can’t help but wonder what triggers these mood swings. I keep thinking if I can pinpoint and identify what triggers them, I can get a grip on them sans meds or therapy. So many people keep saying there’s no such thing as imbalanced chemicals and it’s all behavioral…If so, why can’t I fix it myself? Or is this the distorted mental state of bipolar in which a good mood = cured. Been there, done that, over and over.

I am very tired of being confused.

I am very tired of not knowing what made me so angry last night or at any time. I understood during pregnancy when the hormones were surging uncontrollably. This, it makes no sense. There has to be something causing it. If not imbalanced brain chemicals, then what? This is not normal. And while I am insecure enough that doubt can seep in, in my gut I know this isn’t simply behavioral. I have a disorder, I have always had a disorder. Back then it was called teenage syndrome. Then it was being moody. Then it was simply being a bitch. To have found a doctor who could put a name to it was a wonderful thing. Bipolar disorder. Though the way it wreaks havoc on every aspect of my life, I think of it more as  a disease. Chronic disease.

But predictably, my mood did bounce back from near rage proportion anger and today I am…calm.

I don’t think anyone outside of fellow bipolars gets just how great a toll the ups and downs take on one’s mind and body. It is draining, demoralizing, confusing, disruptive, and basically, miserable no matter how rah-rah-rah cheerleader pom poms megaphone your attitude is. Scumbag brain is…well, a scumbag.

I see the shrink Wednesday. I am telling her about the mood swings. They weren’t happening prior to the Cymbalta and I am wondering if maybe it’s standard issue anti depressant making bipolar worse instead of better. It’s a fine line when you have bipolar two and hover between hypomania and depression. Most docs don’t like to give anti depressants to bipolar patients because it can incite manic episodes. But I don’t want to go back to being depressed. I don’t want to face a whole new series of side effects by changing meds.

It should not have to be a trade off like this.

But then again, no one should have to have a mental disorder. Proof that God, or Mother Nature, or evolution, or whatever theory you subscribe to, does indeed make mistakes. Not everything is sunshine and puppies and rainbows.

For today, for this block of time, anyway, I am mellow and calm and the storm seems to have subsided. I’m just gonna go with it. I don’t have much choice except to get the shovel out of my shed and start bashing in skulls as stress relief. And honestly, I don’t relish the idea of going to prison or getting messy.

I’m too much of a wuss to be a serial killer.

Maybe I can aspire to black widow and just kill husbands. End of on ID Channel’s show about deadly women.

Gotta have a goal, right? ;)


Odds and Sods, Bits and Bobs

Firstly, I wanted to take a moment to thank the half dozen or so people responsible for yesterday’s post. Before I even thought about turning it into a post, I’d been talking to several friends, which then in turn helped me organize my thoughts in a way that pleased me and expunged any minor ire I might have had. But it’s certainly part of why I love having a wide circle of acquaintanceship/friendship — much like putting a stone in a rock tumbler, other people are the grit that give an idea-rock a bright finish. I think most of y’all have already taken your bows here and there, so hooray for that.

I’m lucky to know so many awesome and intelligent people, and that also goes for any of you guys who made comments and expressed opinions to the post itself. You all helped me prove a good point whether or not you know it — Miss Brosh’s experiences are a great starting point for discussion, rather than the film finish happy ending. So it made me rather happy that the most verbose comments were folks who supported what she had to say, because it was an honoring of the things she had to say by turning it into a discussion. I agree with them — she had a lot of good to say, and I will definitely make use of the dead fish metaphor in the future. But certainly, the corn moment isn’t  the end-all point for everyone, no matter how identifiable-with it is for some! :D


My appointment with the psychiatrist went well yesterday, in my opinion. We’re upping my dose of Seroquel by another 50mg to 400mg, and adding in 50mg of sertraline (Zoloft). The addition of an antidepressant is something we’ve been holding back on, especially with my history of rapid cycling. The Seroquel has pretty much obliterated that, but there’s still enough episodes of depression and that mixed episode and whatnot that it’s worth tossing it on the pile. I’m hopeful — Zoloft is indicated for anxiety, depression, and OCD amongst various things, and those are the main things that I need a little boost-up on. I know it’ll take a couple of weeks for it to kick in in any meaningful way, so we’ll see. I just want to not feel terrible all the time. No matter how cheerful and cogent I might come off as, I feel like hell and it’s hard to think.

Oh, and I have to get another blood test done for the stupidest reason. My results came back with no issues with prolactin (so the Seroquel isn’t screwing up my menstrual cycle, I guess), but with a glucose result through the roof. Nobody freaking told me they’d be testing glucose. I was there drinking a damned soda when the test card was being written out. So I have to go in some morning next week to re-take it and show that my glucose levels are nearly normal. But oi doctors, why do they NEVER tell me about the glucose testing (which requires fasting)? Ah well, it’s only a minor annoyance in the scheme of things.

For the moment, I’m just sort of woozy and dopey. There’s an edge of ennui trying to wedge itself in a bit, but I’m doing my best to fight it off//resist the urge to go back to bed and sleep forever. I’ll hopefully figure something out to occupy my brain. :)

<3

The post Odds and Sods, Bits and Bobs appeared first on The Scarlet B.

Swing

Attempted to be civilized and go to R’s house so my kid could play with his granddaughter. It took about eighty minutes for my mood to crash into a fiery inferno of being pissed off for no apparent reason. Everything just started to annoy me and piss me off, especially his wife chastising my kid for not using the potty. I am trying here, do people not understand that? My kid is fucking stubborn and every time someone shames her that way, it makes it much worse. But no because people are “well meaning” then I have to bite my tongue and just be the one who pays the price for them upsetting the delicate spawn balance.

Fuck this.

I swear the anger is like a damned infection. It’s coming over me and there is no stopping it and I just hate everyone and everything and want to snap the necks of voodoo dolls. But no, I won’t, because I am so well programmed socially, that I will dismiss it all as my own failure and beat myself up and bottle it all up inside to eat me alive like a flesh eating bacteria, only this is anger devouring my soul,,or what little is left of  it. Right now I don’t even want to see a fucking kitten and I fucking love kittens. This is not my personality, this is some sort of mood swing or hormonal swing or some shit.

But it’s intoxicating, like a fever running so high, you babble non sensically and don’t care because it is what it is and it feels right.

I am sick of anger.

I demand apathy.

I want my emotional novacaine back.

Unfortunately, I am too much of a wuss to handle the Lithium side effects.

So this is what I am stuck with.

And it sucks, because right now, more than I hate everything else, more than the anger boiling up inside of me for no apparent reason…I hate me. My fault or not, it’s all me, and I suck, and maybe I deserve to be dead. Maybe the world would be a better place without me in it because I apparently can’t get anything right no matter how hard I try.

Call the wahhhmbulance?

Good idea, tell them to bring that stylish white coat with all the buckles and straps on it.

Fuck.

What makes me even madder (and sadder) is an hour from now, I likely won’t even still feel this way.

What is the point of bipolar? What is the point to a bipolar existence?

How can I ever expect someone else to live with these mood swings when even I am angry and resentful about it?

I need to go to bed. Take a Trazadone and reboot, because this mind frame is evil and it is devouring me in the most unhealthy way and I just need to rest my brain and if patterns hold true, I will feel different come morning. Maybe not better, just different.

I will take what I can get.

 

 


friday night lites

grrrreetings!

(that’s me, practicing my rolling r’s, because i’m going to mexico in a week)

sorry i haven’t been around for a while.  my abandoning hope about learning anything new about my bipolar diagnosis for a very, very long time has unfortunately been accompanied by my abandoning this blog.

that, and a lot of work.  ’cause you know, i’m actually productive these days.  which is a blessing and a curse, because i’m productive, but i also feel this crazy anxiety that depression could creep up on me at any moment and take all my success away.

anyway, this isn’t why i’m posting.  i’ll try to post a more meaningful, mental health related post after work settles down.  sometime in july…

the reason i’m posting is because a friend just texted me about the new blog entry at Hyperbole and a Half…part 2 to the infamous depression post, and it made me think of you.  :)

here is the link to the post, in all its shining glory: http://www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

enjoy!