I zigged instead of zagging today. I took my full 90 mg Cymbalta dose at one time instead of spreading it out thru the day. Why? Shake things up. Maybe it will make a difference, maybe not. Maybe it will prove to be a stupid idea. But the monotony of feeling the way I have every single night for so long is wearing me down to desperation. I am like sooo close to Beavis and Butthead territory here. Ya know, licking hallucinogenic toads for some sort of feeling that isn’t sucky.
I checked my email this morning and this is a prime example of how imbalanced I am: I saw that I picked up another “follower”. Well, this season thanks to my sister mentioning it, I began watching the Fox tv show The Following. Now I can’t see the word “follower” without it conjuring up images of psychotic “I will die and kill for you” cult members. Am I now on some FBI watch list for having followers?
Okay, it was just a funny thought, not a paranoid delusion, but it made me smirk.
I have long joked about starting “The Church of the Godless Heathen”. (My mom used to call me a godless heathen when I was growing up.) Unfortunately, I suck at commitment and with my attention deficit, I would confuse people more than lead them in some psychotic uprising or spiritual uplifting. I can’t even be a cult leader because of my mental wonkiness, ffs. Maybe that position for evil underlord is still open…
Now…a topic that is a loaded gun. I usually avoid out of respect for others’ beliefs, but today…I just need to write this one down to see if seems as asinine in front of my eyes as it sounded to my ears. Religion. No disrespect, just trying to connect some dots.
I asked R one day why he goes to church. He smokes, he drinks, he swears, he lies. He used to be the town’s biggest man whore prior to his current wife mentally beating him into a husk. But every Sunday he goes to church.
He said, “Why do you go to your psychiatrist?”
I said, “Because I have been told there is something wrong with me and I am trying to correct it.”
“That’s why I go to church, because I am a sinner.” He said.
And I took a moment and said, “Yeah, but you don’t change the behavior so it’s akin to me going to the doctor but not taking the meds prescribed.”
That blew his mind. He stammered and made excuses because he had no logical answer. I get people needing to have faith, to feel better, to purge their wrong doings and seek forgiveness and peace of mind. I get it, and I respect it.
At the same time, R also said to me, “My church welcomes everyone, including gays. They figure gays need church as much as anyone since they are sinners according to the Bible.”
Some of his friends are gay and yet he still views their sexual orientation as a sin when scientific evidence says homosexuality is not a choice. Pardon me, but I am NOT setting foot near anything that basically says my existence is a blasphemy and needs cured by some deity. I am not setting foot near a group of people who would even have that mentality. “Love thy neighbor, unless they are gay.” I don’t think so. THIS is my problem with religion.
People make the choice to smoke, drink, swear, screw around, et al.od
Who you are attracted to is a baser instinct. It’s not conscious. Most people figure it out before they’re even 14 years old.
How can being born a certain way be a sin you need to atone for yet making bad choices is a forgivable sin?
IF I were religious, MY GOD would love everyone who tries to do better and is true to themselves. A being more perfect than mere man would have the wisdom and heart to do this. A God would not condemn and judge and be full of contradictions and hypocrisies.
This may lose some followers for me, but I am tired of focusing on my bipolar while letting my personal beliefs lay dormant. Those around me sure don’t care who they offend with their views. And besides, it’s not like I am asking anyone to agree with me. This is what I believe. Me. No one else. It is not to detract from what others truly believe, I respect that. In a fair mindset, my views would be respected as well. But having seen so many “My god can kick your god’s ass” arguments amongst people of differing religions…I doubt the mutual respect thing for each other’s beliefs will ever happen for the masses.
And that is all I am gonna say on that subject.
I promised myself I would make a top 5 of things I am grateful for, since it seems all I do is rant and whine about all that sucks. Here goes.
1.) My kid. She is trying at times (she’s a child, duh, that is their job) but yesterday she said, “Mommy your tummy’s rumbling.” So I went Llamas with Hats on her and said, “I have a rumble in my tummy only hands can satisfy.” That made her laugh and she offered me her hands and said, “Eat my hands, Mommy.” We also play zombie shark. My mom finds this sort of thing inappropriate and says it may scar my kid. Um, this from a woman who bought me Fangoria magazine when I was 7 and let me watch Friday the 13th and My Bloody Valentine at the same age? Yeah, that judgment is going to be dismissed. The real monsters don’t wear hockey masks and carry machetes.
2.) Cats, cats, cats…The kittens are driving me nuts with their climbing antics but they are so adorable. Just little balls of anti depressants. They look at me with the sweet faces, their purring motors running, and it’s like…Angry psycho chick melts into marshmallow man.
3.) Shelter, power, food, transportation. People take these things for granted but not a day passes I am not grateful to have them. It makes me wealthier than a rather large percentage of people.
4.) Books. When things get truly bad, I know if I find the right book, I can at least for awhile forget my problems and focus on a story about someone else’s problems that will be resolved by the last page. Life should be so tidy.
5.) Xanax. Last night when I started to spin and feel paranoid and panicky…I took my final two pills and while I didn’t just zonk out or immediately feel light and goofy…My head did stop spinning, logic overruled the paranoia, and eventually I slept. I kept waking up but at least my thoughts were coherent and not a juxtaposition of “the new neighbors are gonna break in and murder us in our sleep” and “god I need to go do housework but I am so panicky…” yay, xanax.