Daily Archives: April 20, 2013

Waiting (Depression Rising?)

The international sign of depression... or something.

The international sign of depression… or something.

I hit the point last night that, I suspect, many of us will mental disorders dread — boredom of the ennui level. Yes, that point where all the things that one enjoys doing day in and day out suddenly pall. I don’t mind the rut phase of existing, mind, but hitting that point is always very worrisome for me. It is usually the precursor to depression of some stripe or another (but probably of the major episode kind).

I don’t want another major depressive episode, obviously — who of us actually does? With this mixed state, at least I’ve been able to nudge myself along and get some things done. And, I sincerely do think, I have done a good job managing it this time and not pushing myself too hard. I can sort of take perverse pleasure in the fact the episode has lasted nearly a month, rather than ultradian super-duper rapid cycling — it is progress of a sort. It doesn’t make much easier though. I might be able to do a better job of hunkering down when it’s more one way or the other rather than super-both, but it’s still brutal to get through.

I’m curious though — when y’all out there get to this point of knowing, do you feel like you’re pretty much predestined to screw up something and dive right into the bad? I’m clinging on, but little dinks like well-meaning folks who don’t understand bipolar/depression offering cheerful advice always seem to congregate around this point on the progression. Which, of course, is insanely draining because they mean well, but they don’t know why what they’re saying isn’t the best things to be saying, and you don’t want to come off crazy or ungrateful, etc (and of course, always worrying about actually expressing this point, ’cause of potential repercussions of well-meaning person reading it and getting upset, or getting overly apologetic, and… it cycles around and around and down). That’s always seems to be ‘the one’ that gets me. Or conversing with a friend and no matter what I say or type, it all comes out cack-handed and starts the spiral downward.

*makes self stop to take a deep breath*

So yeah, fun. Not! I think I’ll be trying to hide out in a book today to see if I can stave things off. I hope everyone else is doing alright, and that nobody or nothing is triggering anything bad for any of y’all out there.

<3

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