Over the past couple of days I went back and read my posts during 2008 and 2009. This was when my bipolar disorder was at its worst and MY pdoc had not yet discovered what medications worked for me. I still struggle with it on a daily basis, but rarely close to the way it use to be. For the most part, with some limitations, I am a functioning member of society.
As I said yesterday, I am grateful that I still have a full life ahead of me. 1 out of every 5 people diagnosed with bipolar disorder successfully commits suicide. I should have been one of those. I almost was. Thankfully it didn’t happen. I am grateful to have my daughter in my life, I’m grateful to have a wonderful man in my life who loves me unconditionally. I am grateful for so many things.
In addition to reflecting on my growth over the past few years, the bombs in Boston also put me in this frame of mind. As we say in A.A., I have an attitude of gratitude. I have so many wonderful gifts in my life. I love days like today when I can remember them.
Life is good.
Posted in Read Along
I remembered to bring work to work like a good girl today. My husband forgot to bring me the program I need to do it – d’oh! Ah well. It’s not like I’m in the best of shape for anything right now anyways. I’m really dizzy and tired and trying to not think too much about world events. With my anxiety being so spiky, I have to be ‘selfish’ and cordon myself off so I don’t risk triggering panic attacks (which, of course, I’m hypervigilant for after fending off that one the other day).
I just sort of hope that hitting this level of exhaustion means that my body quits trying to be super-freaked-out-anxious and that I can try to recover. It probably won’t, ’cause that would be too kindly. I’m still dragging myself along, though I’m not sure how much longer I can do that either. I’m still keeping positive and in good spirits, because damnit if it doesn’t help me fight myself for myself. Maybe it makes people think I’m doing better than I am, but then, if they think that, hopefully they won’t try to muck in and ‘help’, thereby robbing me of precious spoons.
How about you guys — how do you deal with the mixed episodes, or the really bad spiky anxiety, or the balance being thrown off in a bad way in general? I admit I’ve been spoiled that (to recent date) my meds have done a bang-up job of keeping me smoothed down enough that I’ve not had to deal with this crap. And, being naive and hopeful that I’d never have to deal with it again, I guess my brain has forgotten any coping strategies… though having said that, I probably didn’t actually have any before either. Hrm.
Anyways, I hope everyone is braining and feeling well. I’ll just be this goo puddle in the corner, and hopefully for less time than not.
The post Whups (Exhaustion) appeared first on The Scarlet B.