Daily Archives: March 29, 2013

Good Timing

First off, hello to people coming by for the first time, or perhaps the first time in a long time due to the revamp. I’ve been well chuffed with the positive feedback I’ve received, and not only ’cause it validated a bathroom epiphany. It’s mainly good because I feel that it better explains this blog, and my desire to share my life with bipolar to those who choose to come by and read (and perhaps, if I’m lucky, you’ll go and tell friends and share the sharing or something).

The reason the timing is so fortuitous is because, as irony demands, I’m starting this four-day weekend as sick as can be. My husband is the passing-on-the-germs culprit, but I don’t hold it against him. I would rather not be able to empathise with his illness of the past week and a half, but I guess I’m going to have to. It’s pretty bad; I’ve got the urge to crawl back into bed. That is not a common thing for me; me sick resembles me hale in that I’ll still pull myself up to my desk and pootle around online. Beds are only for sleeping for me (well, and that one other thing), so it takes a ridiculous level of puny to make me want to spend awake-ish time there.

I also started my slightly elevated dose of Seroquel last night. I laughed when I opened my bag from the pharmacy, as the three different values I needed were all different brands. I don’t really care as long as it’s the right medicine in the right dose in the right sort of releasing, but it amused me nonetheless. I can’t say at this juncture whether or not it’s particularly useful. The head cold, for one, and the newness of the mild increase for another. I’m still going to try to subscribe to optimism about it all, because it sure beats self-flagellation (as much as bipolar loves doing that, I’m busting my ass to pwn such reactions to things).

I think I will go try to find a beverage now, and see if I can get the room to stop spinning a bit.


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Stress purge

I went. I struggled. I conquered. I got that dude’s wifi set up and it only took three days. Yay me. I felt pretty good about it  but I told R to never ever do that to me again. ASK first and I will tell you what is within my skill base. Though it was nice when the client said he liked my persistence and R was being my cheerleader. Ok, it was also uncomfortable since I handle put downs better than praise, but that’s a whole other post on how screwed up I am in the head.

Had a panic attack at the convenience store while getting R a pack of smokes. Two girls came in-you know, the skinny well dressed chatty girls- and they said something about pants…and I immediately felt my heart skyrocket in my chest, and looked at my pants, programmed for a long time to think everyone is talking about me and insulting me. (Yeah, bullying is harmless, it leaves no marks on a person’s psyche. My ass!)

My mood was stable.

My nerves were not. The traffic thing has gotten pretty bad. I am so scared of having an accident I am going to have one, I swear. But when my senses get overloaded with too much activity going on simultaneously and my brain can’t process it all adequately…It leads to an anxiety attack from hell. Which is not good while driving.

The shop was pretty busy today. Oddly, the ringing phone bothered me more than the customers coming in. I just don’t like phones, they make me nervous. Though I kept waiting for wifi guy to call and tell me something went wrong…That is how little faith I have in myself and things working out for the best.

Came home. Immediately dumped a pitcher of tea on the kitchen floor. My kid was screeching at me over not being able to find her Dora phone. The cats wanted fed. My phone was ringing. And that’[s when it hit me. THIS is the price I pay for daring to have a decent day and feeling good and hopeful. Karma bites me on the ass.

I dealt.

One problem at a time.

Now…she is asleep, everything other laundry folding is done, and I can breathe. After this week, I am not sure I remember how to breathe.

Tomorrow I see sunshine spewer. I have had two good sessions in a row with her, so I am girding my loins for the inevitable off day when her mood clashes with mine and I walk out feeling shittier and more pissed off than when I went in. Maybe I will be surprised. It’s something to hope for, me being wrong. It’s also not a bad thing to anticipate the worst rather than get kicked in the face with it.

Easter weekend. Ugh. Family thing Sunday. With my mom and my sister’s assortment of friends who invade every family get together so that it’s not family at all. I’d love to skip it. I’[m doing the eggs and basket thing for my kid, but otherwise, I just don’t care. I have few days to destress and having to spend part of one of them with my mom stressing me out kind of pisses me off.

In all honesty…I am not having fits of rage or tears or paranoia (much) now.

My mood seems to be creeping up and staying stable.

There’s room for hope.

Cautious optimism, as my old counselor called it.

I’ll take what I can get after the week from hell.