Daily Archives: March 27, 2013

Hate is a bad thing, but I have a LOT of it right now

Yeah, I couldn’t come up with a better title. I went back to do that router set up today, only to find out he bought the thing a year ago and it required a firmware upgrade which the tech I spoke to told me “could fix the problem or destroy the router, it’s a delicate process.” I advise him to either buy a new modem (BELKIN) or find someone more adept with Linksys. (You suck, Linksys, talk about convoluted set up and lack of support!) All that time wasted over Firmware. Over something they  don’t even have adequate support for or otherwise a simple firmware install would not be rocket science that could corrupt the whole router.

He got the Belkin. I went back. I got the wifi up. My netbook connected just fine, desktop was on line.

NOT his laptop.

Fuck you, Vista, you piece of crap. More homework for me and another trip tomorrow all because R had to have faith in me. Fuck him, too.

My mom called as I was going to do the housecall. Which sans Vista would have taken fifteen minutes. Since the guy wanted it fixed NOW (can’t say I blame him) I was over 70 minutes getting my kid, and my mom did not veil her anger. I may not get paid, but damn it, if you need me to leave early, ahead of time is kind of mandatory as I can’t drop everything at that precise moment unless I want to be labeled a flake again, which I am trying NOT to do. Cripes.

The car kept dying on me, no reason why.

Almost got hit by some jackhole yapping on a cell phone.

I didn’t take a xanax before I left this morning and by the time I remembered, I found out I had NONE in my pillcase in my purse.

So I was in total freak out mode.

And while immediate freak out has subsided now that I am home and meds are on board, I am still feeling like a jackass with the iq of pocket lint thanks to R volunteering my services. This makes me look incompetent, when in fact, I am merely ignorant. It’s easy to work with computer systems you are familiar with. Since I don’t (would NEVER) own Vista, and took back my Linksys the same day I bought it due to it being a pain in the ass (my Belkin was set up in 15 minutes), this is unfamiliar territory on all fronts. Because believe it or not, all these little differences in computer settings and OS and router installation and security settings and internet access type- it all makes a huge difference. I have already found three pages of Vista-wifi connectivity problems and I’ve been home 20 minutes. FFS, how can I anticipate this shit and perform properly when I don’t have the information to begin with? Throw in some panic attacks and an impatient client…

Yeah, this worked out well.

Fuck it all.

I am trying to view it as a learning experience and gathering intel, but it has had me feeling like shit for two straight days and I am fed up. I got the damn wifi working, why can’t people deal with their own fucking OS issues? Well, I would have more sympathy if it were anything but Vista. And thus far the two people R has volunteered me to “help” with their pcs…have Vista. It’s like a fuck you from the computer universe. Last time I felt this clusterfucked I was running Windows ME. Migraine Edition.

And what does any of this have to do with mental illness?

The anxiety involved has taken a toll. On my mental state, on my nerves, on my self esteem, on my motivation. I am trying so hard to keep an open positive outlook, to try very hard to get it right, to not hold grudges or let my anxiety cripple me…

But after I get this done, R and I are having a little chat. If he’s just going to continue to do shit like this, then I am out of there. It’s not like I’m losing a paycheck or benefits, or well, anything. It sounds petty, but honestly, if something controls your consciousness to this extent and stresses you out this much, it’s not a healthy thing. Just because someone was a paramedic you don’t ask them to perform brain surgery. Well, just because I can do some computer stuff doesn’t mean I can do it all.

At the end of it all though…

I have my kid. She makes me laugh. Her new thing is “You’re going to jail!” Unless thinking bad things is a crime now, I don’t think so, pumpkin. I hate when the bad thoughts take over. Usually happens when I am on stress overload. It’s hard to find one positive thing when everything currently going on is freaking you out and making you feel (and think) you should just kill yourself because you’re a total failure.

But I’m not a failure as a mom. I suck at discipline (imagine that, I make grown men cry and destroy their psyches!) but I have done pretty well with her. As tough as juggling it all gets, I would not trade her for anything, even if at least once a week I hear “How could you have fallen for all his (her dad’s) lies, are you stupid?”)

Yes, apparently, loving someone makes you stupid.

But to regret him would be to regret Spooky and I simply don’t.


Time to feed my kid.

And ponder some more about my own complete ineptitude.


Like a M*&^*$!*&in’…

When I moved here and found out I’d have easy employ in a family business, I was pleased. I don’t get on with normal office paradigms, especially the insistence that there will be unavoidable drama. That was the main selling point people tried to use on me as to why I should stay in the Air Force — that such was unavoidable. In that regard, I won.

And yet, here I am, sitting in a real office again. It is delightfully quiet, as our space is down in the basement (though above ground enough to have a normal sized window beaming wan light inward). I find that I am somewhat pleased about this step in our business journey, especially knowing the only other thing down here is storage and the break room and that I won’t have to deal with many people from my delightful corner. It’s nice to know that my mother-in-law will get her house back. It’s sort of nice to be back in ‘real’ quarters… or hell, my first time ever in a proper office. One cannot call a warehouse full of half-partitions a proper office, I maintain.

I do wonder if I’m trying to make an overly positive spin though. And if I am, I don’t blame myself; I need to believe that this will be good for the sake of my bipolar and mental health as a whole. I have to believe I will have the relative isolation I require to maintain sanity. I have to believe that I will not be forced to socialize with people unless I desire to. I don’t mind having friends amongst co-workers, mind, but I don’t subscribe to the theorem that I have to be ‘yay team office buddies bffs’! That’s much too extroverted for me, yanno?

For now though, I do still feel optimistic. We’ll see how it goes when we’re actually in here permanently.


The post Like a M*&^*$!*&in’… appeared first on The Scarlet B.

The big bucket of neurotic fail that is me

I failed at getting that wifi set up for that dude.

Big surprise, huh? Self fulfilling prophecy? I don’t think so.

I did everything by the book, but still, the network was up but not connecting. After two and a half hours and the guy and his roommate sitting there watching me and asking me questions and making conversation, I just said I would defer to R.

Who totally threw me under the bus and basically told me to figure it out myself.

Yeah, because that’s going to help with the panic.

I took a double dose of Xanax this morning. I was in decent, if not mind blowing anxiety, spirits. I was determined. I did everything by the book.

And still, I failed and spent the day on the edge of a psychotic nervous breakdown, jumping at every phone call, jumping every time R’s cell rang because I could just envision this guy calling to rail about my ineptitude.

Oddly, R wasn’t all that upset. He is doing the same “sink or swim” thing his father did to him and he did to his daughters. Which with me, is not going to be a successful tactic. He has no clue how much worse he is making it and I told him and I may as well talk to the wall.

I survived the day. Wifi guy did call back. I told him I would do research and come back and figure it out one way or another, even if I have to call fucking Linksys.

My experience has been with Belkins, so maybe I am out of my league here.

Maybe their slave computer is too old or his firmware is out of date.

It gave me a pounding headache that made me wish for decapitation. The panic was damn near crippling. I spent the day at the shop on line, looking for solutions, driving myself insane. Not that R noticed or cared. One of the main reasons I am thankful not to be his wife. The man is oblivious and has been all his life. For all his intelligence, when it comes to people skills beyond the superficial ha ha funny stuff, he is as inept as I am with everything else. Difference between us is, I care and he doesn’t. I want to be better, do better.

At least he wasn’t too mad at me, although if I can’t figure this out and it reflects badly on the business and him, I have a feeling I will feel his wrath. And honestly, it’s his own fault because he didn’t ask me to do this, he TOLD me I was going to do it in spite of me expressing that I am not comfortable with this arrangement. Maybe it’s me shirking responsibility, but I still say it’s mostly his fault for volunteering me when I told him I am not ready to do this shit.

I may never be, because with the panic attacks and an audience, I can’t think straight, let alone be competent. I couldn’t even set up my home wifi with my husband present because being watched makes me completely freak out.

I picked my kid up at my mom’s. She kept kicking me and running off when I tried to put her shoes on her. And I don’t dare correct her with my mom present lest I get my spleen ripped out. I am becoming more and more convinced my mother is just plain evil. She tells me to get my kid under control, but when I try, she rants about how mean I am. Because, yeah, threatening to take away the kid’s TV for the night is absolutely abusive. All children will die without television. The world according to my mother.


Came home to a mess, one of the cats is sick. Probably because I changed their food to fit the needs of the nursing mommy cats.

At least the anxiety and self disgust fueled me, I kicked ass cleaning up, did dishes, swept the floor, ran a load of laundry, and bathed the sick cat. Which was actually easier than bathing my kid. My kid is apparently channeling Satan 90% of the time. I wonder sometimes if I am so inept as a mom that she hates me or if my mom is simply putting a wedge there by having zero rules for her so of course, coming home to me and rules like “no strangling the cat” pisses her off.


I am not looking forward to tomorrow. I need answers, I have none. I feel like such a big loser, and while one reader suggested I bring Jesus into my heart, with all due respect, He isn’t going to tell me how to set up that router and get myself off the inept person list. With all due respect, because I am grateful for each and every reader, I am not big on religion and do not consider it the least bit helpful. I believe in some sort of higher power, but I also believe in being mentally ill and outside my skill set. There is NOTHING wrong with admitting your limitations. There is EVERYTHING wrong when someone who is an overachiever cannot and will not accept that you have limitations.

No more sighs. I am to the point of primal screams now.

I am so sick of failing, of letting people down, of letting myself down. I am sick of my mother, I am sick of my kid not minding me, I am sick of the medi go round. I am sick of being me.

Even though sometimes, I think me is kind of okay.

Mostly, though, when I have to apply the general societal rules to myself, though…I fall short, and I loathe myself, and it is not a healthy thing. Especially when panic attacks are so bad, you downward spiral into an endless cycle of self hatred. WANTING to “get over it” and actually being able to “get over it” are two very different things.

Kind of like unicorns.

It would be wondermous if they were real.