Yeah, I couldn’t come up with a better title. I went back to do that router set up today, only to find out he bought the thing a year ago and it required a firmware upgrade which the tech I spoke to told me “could fix the problem or destroy the router, it’s a delicate process.” I advise him to either buy a new modem (BELKIN) or find someone more adept with Linksys. (You suck, Linksys, talk about convoluted set up and lack of support!) All that time wasted over Firmware. Over something they don’t even have adequate support for or otherwise a simple firmware install would not be rocket science that could corrupt the whole router.
He got the Belkin. I went back. I got the wifi up. My netbook connected just fine, desktop was on line.
NOT his laptop.
Fuck you, Vista, you piece of crap. More homework for me and another trip tomorrow all because R had to have faith in me. Fuck him, too.
My mom called as I was going to do the housecall. Which sans Vista would have taken fifteen minutes. Since the guy wanted it fixed NOW (can’t say I blame him) I was over 70 minutes getting my kid, and my mom did not veil her anger. I may not get paid, but damn it, if you need me to leave early, ahead of time is kind of mandatory as I can’t drop everything at that precise moment unless I want to be labeled a flake again, which I am trying NOT to do. Cripes.
The car kept dying on me, no reason why.
Almost got hit by some jackhole yapping on a cell phone.
I didn’t take a xanax before I left this morning and by the time I remembered, I found out I had NONE in my pillcase in my purse.
So I was in total freak out mode.
And while immediate freak out has subsided now that I am home and meds are on board, I am still feeling like a jackass with the iq of pocket lint thanks to R volunteering my services. This makes me look incompetent, when in fact, I am merely ignorant. It’s easy to work with computer systems you are familiar with. Since I don’t (would NEVER) own Vista, and took back my Linksys the same day I bought it due to it being a pain in the ass (my Belkin was set up in 15 minutes), this is unfamiliar territory on all fronts. Because believe it or not, all these little differences in computer settings and OS and router installation and security settings and internet access type- it all makes a huge difference. I have already found three pages of Vista-wifi connectivity problems and I’ve been home 20 minutes. FFS, how can I anticipate this shit and perform properly when I don’t have the information to begin with? Throw in some panic attacks and an impatient client…
Yeah, this worked out well.
Fuck it all.
I am trying to view it as a learning experience and gathering intel, but it has had me feeling like shit for two straight days and I am fed up. I got the damn wifi working, why can’t people deal with their own fucking OS issues? Well, I would have more sympathy if it were anything but Vista. And thus far the two people R has volunteered me to “help” with their pcs…have Vista. It’s like a fuck you from the computer universe. Last time I felt this clusterfucked I was running Windows ME. Migraine Edition.
And what does any of this have to do with mental illness?
The anxiety involved has taken a toll. On my mental state, on my nerves, on my self esteem, on my motivation. I am trying so hard to keep an open positive outlook, to try very hard to get it right, to not hold grudges or let my anxiety cripple me…
But after I get this done, R and I are having a little chat. If he’s just going to continue to do shit like this, then I am out of there. It’s not like I’m losing a paycheck or benefits, or well, anything. It sounds petty, but honestly, if something controls your consciousness to this extent and stresses you out this much, it’s not a healthy thing. Just because someone was a paramedic you don’t ask them to perform brain surgery. Well, just because I can do some computer stuff doesn’t mean I can do it all.
At the end of it all though…
I have my kid. She makes me laugh. Her new thing is “You’re going to jail!” Unless thinking bad things is a crime now, I don’t think so, pumpkin. I hate when the bad thoughts take over. Usually happens when I am on stress overload. It’s hard to find one positive thing when everything currently going on is freaking you out and making you feel (and think) you should just kill yourself because you’re a total failure.
But I’m not a failure as a mom. I suck at discipline (imagine that, I make grown men cry and destroy their psyches!) but I have done pretty well with her. As tough as juggling it all gets, I would not trade her for anything, even if at least once a week I hear “How could you have fallen for all his (her dad’s) lies, are you stupid?”)
Yes, apparently, loving someone makes you stupid.
But to regret him would be to regret Spooky and I simply don’t.
Time to feed my kid.
And ponder some more about my own complete ineptitude.