Daily Archives: March 21, 2013

If Your Aren’t Dead, You Must be Stronger; Mid-Afternoon Mental Moment

That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. We have all heard it a million or more times, used it in times where we felt overwhelmed or over burdened, believed [...]

Back to Square One

I have been realizing that I am starting to decline in my mental health as of late. I’ve been having the grand ideas, not thinking before I speak, of course the insomnia (ironically, that will never go away, not only is it a trait of Bipolar, but also of Fibromyalgia), wanting to spend money, so much so, that I am actually looking for a job so I can buy stuff.

I haven’t said anything to my husband, because he isn’t really very supportive. Not because he is a dick, but because like so many of our family and friends, they don’t know HOW to be supportive or help.

My BFF took me out to dinner last Saturday. We went to a Mexican restaurant. The waiter was totally hitting on my BFF, I mean, you could catch the drool with a cup…. It was just really sleazy and unprofessional. The medicated me would have just felt embarrassed for the guy, suffer the uncomfortable feeling everytime he would come check on us, and then just never go there again because of the experience. But no… I’m not medicated, and I don’t care what my mouth says when it opens. I start talking to the guy in Spanish, telling him I’m not stupid. Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean I am stupid! In retrospect, I have no idea what that had to do with anything. I think I was just really insulted that he was flirting with my friend, and I wanted him to know that we were on to his game. And then the rest of the night I was just a sarcastic bitch to this guy. (Of course all AFTER he brought us our food) My friend pointed out to me that I was being mean to this guy…. She was kind of laughing about it because this is out of character for me.

Now that it has been almost a week now, I’m starting to feel like an ass. I WAS mean to that guy. I appreciate he had the hots for my friend, everyone does, she is beautiful! But for some reason I was just feeling salty about it. I’m not going back to that place. I didn’t like the food and certainly not the service. But this was a major red flag for me. I also had to cigarettes that night (I quit a couple years ago, so it’s not unlikely, but… it’s one of those things that waves a red flag).

So, that is where I am right now… Not sure which move to make next….

And Yet, Still

I’m still worn out. I’m still feeling dizzy. I’m still not amused by it. It’s not overly messing up things in my life, but that doesn’t mean I’m accepting of it either. Add in today’s complete lack of focus, and yeah… staring off into the æther. So it goes sometimes, right?


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My mood was seriously up today. Like happy nice to people up. Not my norm, ever. And sure, there’s the “of course you’re happy, you got your way and got the xanax back” factor.

Except I actually started out in a good frame of mind,  in spite of all my trepidation and panic.

An old counselor always made a note that it seemed my mood swings never occurred at the right time because I would inevitably never be manic or severely depressed when I saw the doctor, so the doctor wasn’t seeing the reality of my disorder. How can a doctor, though, if they see you once a month for ten minutes max?

I wish I could stay in this uppish state forever.

Unfortunately, I know the reality all too well and there’s  a good chance my mood will crash tomorrow or the next day. I am bipolar 2, so I have way more lows than highs. And with the cyclothymia in play, I never get to enjoy ANY mood for too long. This is a state of hypomania, I’m a little too happy, ya know? Not spending money or behaving impulsively, but feeling giddy and giggly and just…UP.

But I am also freezing cold and I need a shower and I am trying to burn a dvd which isn’t taking for some reason and I am getting rather irate. R has enlisted me to go help Nancy with her computer tomorrow morning because “Niki does software”. It’s VISTA, the best thing I could do for the woman is set it on fire. Then he wants me to find information on some TV model that I have been looking for for weeks now and he just won’t accept that the info isn’t out there. That’s very stressful for me when he expects me to produce that which doesn’t exist. It’s not my fault no one else has had this exact same problem with the same TV model and posted on line about it. Geesh.

Oh, yay, I am getting hives thinking about it. Yeah, it stresses me out that much.

But at least I am not paranoid, though there was a brief moment earlier when I saw some well dressed woman with a clipboard going into the new neighbor’s place. For some reason all I could think was “social services”. I don’t know why. But then I forgot all about it because my brain is firing on all 8 cylinders now and it only took stopping the tic tac o pin and taking 1 mg of xanax. Which is lower than the klonopin was. So everyone can cook up their theories and accusations and “I’ve never heard of that before” bullshit. I’m not arguing with what works. Anyone who does is an idget.

One highlight of the entire day, though.

I played with my newbie kittens. All six of them. They are walking now and very adorable and I loved on each of them. Best damn therapy on the planet. Kittens. Instant anti depressant.

They told me when I was six I would end up the crazy old cat lady.

And ya know, I am fine with that. Cats are better company than people anyway.

Crazy cat lady sounds a little better than “crazy lady in the clocktower with the high powered rifle.”