Daily Archives: March 19, 2013

Just Breathe (It’s Merely Bipolar)

Yesterday went well enough, which is what was to be expected. I’m still really wiped out and a bit dizzy, but I guess it helps to keep the mind mainly quiet of intrusive thought. The doc is happy with the general progress on stabilizing out my mood, and we’re opting to top up my dose of Seroquel to 350mg from 300mg. He didn’t want me to try any other meds; his initial recommendation of trying an anti-depressant was put aside because I’m not rapid cycling like I used to be, or lacking in basic functionality. So that’s good. He did order a blood test to be done to see if perhaps the Seroquel is the culprit behind my banjaxed menstrual cycle. I’ll find out the results of that next week, as well as picking up the prescription for my third Seroquel pill. Since I’m taking a 200, a 100, and now a 50. Add in the 25mgs that are still floating around the house, and I might as well open my own pharmacy, ha ha (not really!).

But the long and the short if it was that yes, there is bipolar, and we’ll keep focusing on that until he’s satisfied it’s mainly tamed… and then look at the comorbid things. I was relieved that he didn’t seem to be behind shooting down the ADHD diagnosis referral; I had worked myself up into believing he was going to be mad at me for making that even happen in the first place. And while I might complain about my level of functionality, I have to concede that the now isn’t horrible. I’m not threatening people due to uncontrollable janky emotions. I’m still doing fine with work (not that work was ever likely to be a big problem, considering that I am me), and I do have a minimal social life locally. I don’t think it’s wrong of me to desire more, but never think that I am ungrateful for the now. The now is pretty decent.

With that, I’m going to get my butt back to working, and enjoying a junky beverage treat. *pets can of just-delivered Orange Relentless*


The post Just Breathe (It’s Merely Bipolar) appeared first on The Scarlet B.

I want a new drug

I can’t stand Huey Lewis and The News’ music but the song title seemed to fit what this post is about.

While going through an angry lethargic spell followed by a “let me crawl under the covers and die” mood swing, during which I pretended to be functional while basically growling at R for five hours, I did some research on medications in anticipation of my shrink appt Wednesday.

I am not looking to be difficult. BUT something has got to give here, and I honestly don’t think an extended stay in a psych facility because I am losing it is a valid expense of insurance money. So there has to be a way to fix this, to fix me, that the doctor and I can both live with.

I have, for panic and anxiety, tried:

Xanax, Ativan, Buspar, Paxil, Zoloft, Seroquel, Prozac, Elavil,Luvox, klonopin.

NONE if them have worked except Xanax. This doctor does not prescribe xanax, does not like having patients on it.

Fine. My counselor suggested Vistaril, which I have never heard of. I read up on it and it’s another crap shoot with the side effects and whether it would work. One plus I could see in it, though, is that it also acts as an anti histamine and with my nervous hives and summer allergies, that would be a big plusl

Other than what I have already tried, that seems to be the one thing left. Oh, I have never been on Valium, but frankly, I don’t need to try to, if I want to be loopy and semi comatose I can take Trazadone or go back on Seroquel.

My entire point here is to have something that keeps me aware and lucid.

I got to thinking, maybe it’s the Cymbalta. BUT my depression symptoms have alleviated so much with it. My energy level is not affected, it does not make me lethargic. That much seems to be working.

So if the lamictal and cymbalta are working…That means the klonopin isn’t.

How do I express myself to this woman on the tv screen during my allotted nine minutes to make her understand that I am coming undone here from a panic/anxiety disorder point of view?

It is NOT normal behavior to be paranoid and threaten to use people’s intestines as jump rope just because they looked at you wrong. This was not happening six weeks ago. It didn’t happen the first time I was on Cymbalta.

The difference is, she took away the one med that worked and replaced it with another that does not work.

I am willing to try Vistaril. I am willing to take a chance on something that could be even better than Xanax. But if I just keep getting these meds my brain doesn’t respond to and my functionality continues to spiral downward, am I not right in being angry?

I got super paranoid today because I went to the pharmacy and after ten days, they still hadn’t called in a refill on my scripts. Now if I took the klonopin, as prescribed, I would have been out on the 6th. Fact is, I still about ten pills left. Which proves I take what I need and I do not overuse. Why can’t this be something a doctor acknowledges and takes into account?

But the fact that the doctor’s office knew by canceling my appointment twice that I would run out of meds and they couldn’t get them called in…Does that not speak volumes as to the importance of me as a patient? Especially when I and the pharmacy both reminded them numerous times.

I am beginning to feel like I need to start shrink shopping. I fear this one is giving up on me or simply doesn’t see my issues as all that dire. Which if she would just look at my collegiate dictionary thick file for the last 20 years, she’d see this is not something that just happened when I began seeing her two years ago. This is a long running saga, this is my life, and no part of my life is spared the bad affects of my disorders. I need a doctor with the inclination and time to give a damn. I have only had two of those in my entire life. It makes me sad and hopeless.

I deserve better than nine minutes and the whole “throwing the hands up in the air” attitude these psychiatrists give me. It’s not my fault my body doesn’t respond to most of these meds. I could have done without all the side effects, for fuck’s sake.

Damn, I was trying to keep it concise and swear word free and  I failed.

Oh,well. I need to stop reading other people’s blogs, it just reminds me what a clusterfuck mine is and how I am incapable of writing short posts that make sense.

Although in the grand scheme of things, my blog posts are representative of the chaos in my mind, which explains exactly why I have so much trouble functioning in polite society.

Speaking of functioning in polite society…

It is taking every ounce of willpower I have not to just break down and tell R I cannot do this anymore, I cannot be his helper monkey and keep him company 5 days a week for free. I am not mentally able. He sees my downward spiral and it reminds him of how I used to be, and to be looked at that way once again…Just makes me hate him for being so fucking weak as to think this is somehow my fault when I am busting my ass trying to get well and get on my feet and do right by my kid. And it makes me angrier because the majority of society views me the same as he does, like I am just too weak to “get over it”.

I went in later today and ducked out early because I just can’t stand being around him, or anyone, anymore. And I know it’s not them, for the most part, because six weeks ago, people irritated me but I was coping. Now my thoughts are so far askew, and my paranoia of their judgment and imminent betrayal so strong, that it’s all I can do not to scream FUCK OFF and flee the scene.

I have to talk to the counselor tomorrow, get her advice on how to express myself to the doctor in a way that will make me seem not like a crazy person but like someone who has had a major setback and needs major help right now. Hopefully the counselor is in a decent mood. It seems when she is in one of her bad moods where she just sits back and glares at me is when I cop the attitude and hate on her. Two moody people together. Ha, that’s funny. Not really. It’s actually sad. But ya know when she is up and in the mood to be a counselor, she’s not half bad.

Really, though. I want a new drug. One that doesn’t make me sick, doesn’t zonk me out, one that WORKS and makes me feel human again. Because this angry ball of irritation I have become is less than human and I don’t like it one bit. I want to get back to living life instead of suffering through it. I am doing everything I can cognitively.

I need some medicinal assistance. I mean, these are the professionals who told me I have something wrong in my brain that needs corrected by medication.

So let’s find the medication and correct it already.

Though when you have as many disorders going on as I do, it’s just not that easy.

I really hope my doctor isn’t giving up on me.