For the most part, I have spent 20 years medicated. There have, however, been times when I went off the meds, usually because I either couldn’t afford them or some idiot convinced me there’s nothing wrong with me except a bad personality the meds wouldn’t fix.Oh, and the doctors who think xanax is a invalid medication.
I have been taken off of Xanax about six times.
The outcome every single time, no matter what alleged anti anxiety medication is used (SSRI, MAO,other benzos, atypical anti psychotics) is that I wind up right back where I started. Paranoid, jumpy, panic ridden, and damn near agoraphobic.
I am right back there again, revisiting the past.
It looks like we’re getting a new neighbor. I don’t know the person but I am pretty convinced they will reign hell fire down upon me like the one last summer did. I hope I am wrong. I doubt it. This place pretty much to rents to anyone, druggies, pedophiles, murderers, you name it. Which in my case four years ago with a string of bad references (for having a cat, not for failing to pay rent) was a good thing. Now that these dregs are my neighbors, though…A little selectivity wouldn’t hurt.
I want to let things unfold, rather than make sweeping assumptions. Scumbag Paranoid brain is allowing none of this logic.
We went to the store for groceries earlier. The entire time we were out I was looking around like a freak, feeling like I was under watch. My kid ran through the store like a banshee and my attempts to corral her resulted only in “You’re hurting me” shrieks. I have practically given up. At this rate, I’m rubber room material anyway, not IF, just a case of when.
I don’t want to be around people. I don’t want to read or write or listen to music. I don’t want to watch tv. I want to chainsmoke and that’s about it because my brain is sending so many wrong messages I can’t trust any of them.
To add to the strain, I returned home yesterday to find the neighborhood kids had been in the yard on my kid’s swing set, left trash in the yard, oh and stolen her princess ride on car. Then a neighbor informed me these kids were also siccing a pit bull on the stray cats under my trailer.
Think that helps the paranoia and terror?
I am a wreck. Afraid to leave now, lest the little feral brats set the place on fire. They’ve already spray painted every shed (but mine) and pretty much destroyed all the empty trailers by putting boards through windows and ripping off siding and doors. They don’t mess with shit when I am home but when I am gone, it’s a free for all. I don’t know what to do with it, I cant bring a swingset inside and I don’t see why my kid should not be allowed to have something without others destroying it. These are kids who run till 11pm, 12 am during the summer, they have no parental supervision. Kids 6,7,8 years old. It’s disgusting. For all my kid’s tantrums, she doesn’t act as bad as some of these kids.
So…I was starting to lose the paranoia and anxiety, the panic was getting under control, and now I am becoming the same neurotic trainwreck I was before I went back on Xanax.
Ringing endorsement for my treatment plan.
I don’t care if the literature says Klonopin is the same thing as Xanax. I swear it’s actually making me more aggressive. Which the doctors deny and yet I found six different message boards today of people who say it did the same thing to them.
What are you supposed to do when the people you count on to help you seem to go out of their way to do the opposite?
I am trying to retrain my brain and learn to be more optimistic but when your brain keeps sending you all these altered perceptions…How the fuck does that even work?
My mood crashed after the outing.
I don’t want to even breathe right now but my kid is awake so I have to keep functioning.
Which I will continue to do…Right up until I don’t.
I think a twenty thousand dollar hospital bill that solves nothing is totally more sensical than just giving back my xanax.
God, this system is so fucked up, it’s not funny.