Daily Archives: February 6, 2013
Clay captures the feeling of enormous weight that one afflicted with depression schleps around, longing to somehow be rid of it....
I’m getting to the point where my brain starts freaking out and thinking that I’ve been dropped from mental health care. I have yet to receive notification of my next appointment, and while I knew it would be a few months out from the last one… I still figured I would have heard something by now! Having said that, the card seems to show up within a day or two of me reaching this point, so yanno… fingers crossed?
Past that, I feel a growing hankering to consider doing some crochet for spending money one way or the other. I’ve not heard back in weeks from the lady who was interested in hiring me to make some blankets, but I still sort of have this pent up ‘Whee, let’s make!’ going on in the back of my head. I’m working on a big project right now, but there’s a build-up of wool and desire past it. I don’t know what I’d make though, not quite yet. Should I opt to try my hand at design, or just find patterns I like and hork that? Or maybe it’s just me getting caught up in a bit of excitement from doing my best to promote my other crafty friends in their for-profit endeavours. It’s something to think about, at the very least. And as I’ve potentially opened a wool floodgate in acknowledging my mother-in-law’s desire to pick up wool with me in mind… *rubs hands*
For now though… back to le working grind and trying to head off a headache!
Yay. No depression today. Just sick. And tired because I slept horribly last night, because I’m sick. Definitely going to stay away from the Elavil.
Birdwatchers: DeeDee and I wouldn’t ordinarily let you read our correspondence, but we agreed that this letter offers insight into …
A view such as this on a cool winter’s day may not be special to all the same way it is to me. for where I live, not often to [...]
The anger of three straight days has given way to a depressed exhaustion. I am trying to muddle through it and not let it block my writing, but I am losing steam fast.
I was ok.
Then I wasn’t.
But anger is still more of a sign of life than depression.
Now I am not ok.
I see the shrink tomorrow. I get to tell her one more medicine didn’t work and I am so depressed I am basically biding my time til I can just die already. Because I am in a world where I don’t fit in, surrounded by a plethora of people who would treat me better if I had leprosy as opposed to bipolar.What has a stranglehold on me now in the anger aftermath is a sadness because…
I have no one close to me to confide in.
R’s friendship seems to hinge on me being entertaining and not mentioning anything ugly about my life.
It’s become so stifling and it really stings and I don’t want to be at the shop or around him anymore. He can talk about himself ad nauseum and I have to listen and make appropriate noises.
If he asks what’s wrong with me and I actually tell him…Again, he barely acknowledges that I have spoken and keeps talking about himself. I know I have to be tolerant of people and their quirks and flaws but this friendship feels pretty one sided. I almost feel like a hostage at times, expected to be there to do all the stuff he doesn’t want to be bothered with, there to amuse and entertain him and keep him on track. I understand he has been good to me, and if I needed anything for my kid or myself he would give us the shirt off his back. That’s very cool and all.
But right now I am kinda emotionally drowning and having to go it all alone and pretend all is well for his comfort is making it very difficult to hold onto the good things. I have needs that extend beyond needing a pack of smokes or a car repair. He was always like this, the man would hand you a thousand bucks cash no questions asked, but if you had an emotional need…forget it.
I can’t forget it. I’d rather be alone than feel like this every bloody day.
But then…Do I really feel this way? Or is this just one more over reaction to the mood cycles?
I am miserable. Impatient, snappish, grumpy, completely unfocused, completely unmotivated…
I am clinically depressed and none of their stupid anti depressants do a damn thing to help me.
Why would’t I be depressed?
In addition to that, now as the clock ticks nearing my appointment in the morning, my anxiety is increasing because the last time I told a doctor another medicine wasn’t working he berated me about having a bad attitude and not wanting the medicine to work. That one scarred me for fucking life, he was the reason I quit taking my meds until I could find a different doctor.
After 16 months and 6 anti depressants failing, I am half afraid if I go in tomorrow and be honest, she’s going to want to lock me up. I should be getting better and I’m not, I am decompensating, and since everyone else responds to all the wonder drugs, it must just be me, right?
It’s starting all over again.
Just like every other time in the past. I maintain for awhile, but then everything starts coming apart. Slowly at first. Then in a blink, I am facedown in the gutter, and wondering what the hell happened.
I was once told by a person who didn’t like me that I should just kill myself.
There are occasional days so dark, I look back and wonder if they hadn’t been right.
It’s not self pity.
And after the crash, crash…
I am burning.
I took an Elavil last night, because I wanted to SLEEP…. And now, I have been depressed all fucking day. I have to get rid of those. I got my new pills today Trazadone. Those are really big pills for a sleeping pill. Ok, really it’s just ANOTHER antidepressant. But it is a big pill. I’m used to take small ones anymore. Off to bed. Hopefully the depression will go away.